Help! Our Sex Life is Dead Boring
Have you and your partner been together so long that you’re finding it difficult to keep things passionate? Do you feel like sometimes the only reason you two actually are intimate is because you both know that you’re supposed to make sure that this part of your relationship stays active? And even then, do you sometimes feel that you’re simply going through the motions?
The good news is that you are not alone. In fact, you two are completely normal. Practically any couple who has been together for any real length of time will eventually struggle with this same issue. And you are right to think seriously about this aspect of your relationship, since it is one of the most basic ways that we relate to and connect with the person we love. Even better news is that you don’t have to let this part of your romantic life wither and die.
Here are several steps you can take to breathe new life into the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Be Realistic in your Expectations
Look, in real life, sex isn’t usually going to be like what you see on TV and in the movies. It’s not realistic to expect that you will both be in the mood as often as you were when you first got together. The simple fact is that the sexual aspect of any relationship will go through exciting times and mellower times. If you are expecting things to be earth-shattering and passionate every time you two look at each other, then you are setting yourself up for consistent disappointment.
Be realistic when you think about what you want to get out of your physical relationship. If you two are having sex fairly consistently, and generally enjoying the times that you are intimate, then you’re doing really well.
Set the Mood all day Long
Lots of times we think that sex begins once we head towards the bedroom. If we set the mood at all (and let’s face it—in a long term relationship we take the time to do this less and less frequently), we might light a candle or turn on a CD.
But we can set the mood for sex much sooner than that, and in more powerful ways. In fact, one of the best ways to turn up the heat in your relationship is to set the stage all day long. You can begin to prepare for a passionate encounter with your significant other early in the morning.
For example, simply by “making an appointment” with each other for later that evening, you’ll make sure that your “meeting” stays on your minds throughout the day. Then, you can offer little gestures to help you both stay focused on your rendezvous. Maybe you send an email or text message that drops hints about what you plan to do for your partner later that night. Or you might just leave a thoughtful or loving note where they will find it. However you do it is up to you. But the idea is that you find ways, throughout the day, to make sure that you are both anticipating your meet later on.
Improve your Pillow Talk
As is the case in so many areas of your relationship, one of the best things you can do to improve your sex life is to communicate well with your partner. This might mean, for example, taking the time to discuss whatever misgivings you have about the lack of excitement in your relationship.
But it also means talking about what you want and enjoy when you two are intimate. This isn’t always an easy conversation to initiate. Even though it’s sometimes uncomfortable to talk about what you really want —even with the person you feel closest to—that’s the quickest and most effective way of making sure that both of you feel fulfilled.
If it scares you a little to think of being really forthcoming, you’re not alone. Many people worry that their sexual desires will be perceived as odd, selfish, or simply beyond their partner’s comfort zone. One way to do this in a way that feels safer for both of you is to play the “What’s something crazy you once thought about?” game. By doing it this way, neither of you has to commit to following through on the idea, and it’s safe because it’s (allegedly) something that merely crossed your mind in the past.
Add some Spice
When the air has gotten a bit stale in the physical intimacy department, you have to step outside of your comfort zone. Maybe you have sex at some time other than a weekend evening. Or maybe you switch roles, so that the one who’s usually the initiator becomes more passive, and vice versa.
Often, this is simply about effort. Go the extra mile to find ways to add variety to your sex life and keep it from becoming dull. Imagine that you are on a first date, and that you are both extremely forward people who begin to participate in increasingly daring sex talk as the evening progresses. Whatever you do, try to release your inhibitions. Keep in mind that as long as you both feel respected and comfortable with what you’re doing, you can relax, let yourselves go, and enjoy the variety.
And that’s really what a healthy sex life is all about: enjoying yourselves, and each other in a way that allows you to express your love to each other in a meaningful way. Some couples put too much pressure on themselves to make sure that the earth moves every time they make love, which can often lead to disappointment.
So the next time you’re in bed together, make a concerted effort to relax and just enjoy yourselves. Laugh. Take pleasure in the set up and the buildup, not just the final pay-off. In other words, be fully engaged in the whole process, finding pleasure in everything from the beginning to the end. If you can do this, your sex life will no longer be dead boring.
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not_getting_any_lol
January 30,2012 at 05:49 pmIm to the point where im gunna explode. We go long periods of time with none now that the honeymoons over n its been a little over two weeks since the last time n it seemed as though she had fun (We had fun) n wanted more but now she says she wants something different. quote "Its the same thing every time." So i guess its up to me to find a different approach. I tried everything i could think of to get her hot last night n it just wasnt working. I've been online looking for different ways to turn her on n i found that most of it i do on a regular basis. im thinking she just got use to everything n just wants more like always lol but a few tips from some real women wouldnt hurt. PLEASE HELP ME!!!!lol
MZDEEVINE
February 23,2012 at 05:44 amChange things up... Different location in the home and even away from the home... Begin four play through out the day.... Visit a novelty shop together. Play games together... Too much so soon is always a bad thing bc now u are left trying to think of new things by urself .. OBV its not u its her... Something could be going on with her...
Taken
June 2,2011 at 08:51 pmSpice it up, make it fun, interesting, and fantastic. Find another woman to join in for a three way. That'll do it!
bethany94609
May 7,2011 at 09:26 amSome people believe that humans are born with all of the instincts to know how to please someone in bed. Sometimes people of different intelligence levels cannot communicate in bed. Some people are not as clean as they think they are. Some people have a difficult time trusting other people and it gets worse when they are pressed for unfamiliar things in bed. Some people, somehow, become paralyzed within their sexual thoughts, there is a disconnect between their physical reactions to feelings and stimuli and actually registering that they are turned on.
The results of all of the above: turn offs, oddly. Worse than no sex. Many people to whom these things happen to have no idea that it's happening.
aussie7
May 6,2011 at 10:23 pmIMHO boring sex is WORSE than none at all.
PEPE_USMC
May 5,2011 at 09:55 pmI was married for 10 years before I became a widower (Cancer, I didn't have anything to do with it). We just changed things up, a lot! Sex was about give and take. Communication was key. Each week we wrote a letter of what our most imposing desires were and what we wanted to do. The letter needed to be given to the other prior to the Wednesday of the week. We would then find ways to try to make the fantasy come true. The hard part was always finding the time. But, we swore to find the time, and we did. We had a lot of costumes, dates, trips and imagination. Unfortunately, I have to get back into the dating scene. A lot of things I was accustomed to then will be hard to unlearn and then relearn with another woman. I just hope that I can find somebody that I can be me with, again.
statuesquechica
June 23,2009 at 10:52 pmI think when overtures are made for sex, then you should take the initiative and do it....complaints about being tired, not in the mood, headache, and on and on are should be avoided at all costs. I have always found that even if I wasn't "in the mood" at the time, my mood quickly changed once I relaxed and started responding to my partner. As I see it, you shouldn't turn down a gift...and having sex is a fantastic gift!
gadgetere
April 8,2009 at 05:17 pmwow sounds very similar to my current situation - thanks for ur words of wisdom, they have helped me think things through - any suggestions on how I can fix things b4 they get so bad there is no way but out.
Counseling. The dynamics on a relationship often preclude "working things out together"; things like "familiarity breeds contempt" apply.
And the type of counseling matters; a non-Christian comes from a Humanist view, that "man is inherently good, given opportunity can achieve greatness"; a Christian understands that we are corrupt, and that a marriage relationship must be founded on Jesus --- it's truly a relationship of three, not two. Of course I recommend this.
Whatever course, a frank non-threatening heart to heart talk must be the beginning. Do you love him? Tell him so blatantly. Tell him you wish the marriage to heal, and that the time you've invested with him matters to you. Tell him you're willing to admit wrongdoing, to place him above yourself. If he is willing to meet you at the same place (don't ask him that), then there is hope.
Here is the value of a third party (counselor) --- an "impartial observer" can moderate differences, and head off "I blame you, you blame me" conflict.
If he isn't willing to go to the counselor, then there's not much you can do.
...except...
If you continue living with him, win his heart with kindness. DEMONSTRATE that you are committed to changing the future of your marriage. Love him, unconditionally. As long as you reside together, there is great hope.
Most important, bare yourself before Christ, and ask Him and the Spirit to change you, into whatever He wants you to be for your life to be victorious, and your marriage to flourish.
This is the basic truth --- you can only change ONE person, yourself. That is the limit of your control. Pray for spiritual maturity, for the ability to forgive (even as Christ forgave His murderers as He hung there dying ; impossible for you or me, but FULLY possible for Him-in-us). Forgive your husband for wrongdoings, and forgive yourself for mistakes. Accept your fallibility, and your Humanity. If you do not forgive yourself, then you reject His forgiveness; you have not that right.
That's the best advice I can give. And I will pray my heart out for you, and for your marriage.
:hug:
pray2pac
February 24,2009 at 04:03 pmwow sounds very similar to my current situation - thanks for ur words of wisdom, they have helped me think things through - any suggestions on how I can fix things b4 they get so bad there is no way but out.
sabete2002
February 21,2009 at 01:13 pmPossibly her partner is somewhat lacking
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