Bad Match or Just a Rough Patch?

My boyfriend of three years is a few years older than i am and we started out our relationship saying that we both didn't want to get married. I think my feelings on the matter have changed but he has always maintained that he doesn't want to get married due to past bad relationship experiences. I even proposed to him once only to get turned down (really unusual for me since I dig chivalry alot :-) but I felt that I cared about him that much and wanted him to be a part of my life so I took the big leap. I've also talked to him several times about wanting him to be a part of my life. So I guess after getting turned down, i was pretty disappointed and it made me start to question whether I should stay in a relationship with someone that I really like but who isn't meeting my needs anymore. Here's the clincher: Last night he told me part of the reason that he doesn't want to commit is because he basically thinks I'm wishy-washy!!!??? I'm sitting there like you've got to be kidding me!? :-P Our relationship caused me to step out of my comfort zone and do something that I would never in a million years do, because I care about him that much, and then he said something like that. So needless to say, I'm really dissapointed and not having much fun at this point. I don't know if he just has commitment issues and is in denial about them, and putting the blame on me, or what. I'm just so let down, I really feel at a loss and I'm pretty sad about the whole thing. Thoughts?

OMG.....this is me! Ouch, I'm in the wrong relationship? I've been with him for a year. We fight a lot and I don't feel fulfilled in the relationship. When I'm not spending time with him and doing my daily tasks, I don't miss him. I just thought this was normal. More stressors come into my life when he and I spend too much time together.
I don't want to go back to the dating world in search of that mutually compatible person, crap...now what??

darnit1022: Boy, I guess I fit in this situation perfecly. I had been dating this wonderful woman for 7 months, I fell hard for her, harder than anyone else in my life. I am 47 and she 44. We were in love and around the holiday's I could sense a change. A friend of hers was dying, she had a huge exam to study for, a 16 year old son and a relationship with me and not to mention other daily stress. Well, she broke up with me the day before Valentines Day, OUCH !!! Two days later calls me and apologies went on for 3 hours on the phone not to mention her desire to give 100% to our relationship, wanted me to be her prince and grow old together. Less than 10 days later, the 'I love you's" stopped, the phone calls were infrequent and time together was none. I finally asked her, what did I say, do or is it something else? Her reply was she wanted to break up, be friends and because she wanted that feeling back like when we first dated and she wasn't. Since then, I have sent cards and emails, and I was instructed by her to not call, stop in at home or work. It's been three weeks now, it's getting better but I can't get her off my mind. I know I have to move on but those things she said, she doesn't sya what she means. I am so heartbroken, but I am eating, sleeping and being funny again. Come on, some pity for me????

I'm not sure if I can give you pity, but I can speak from recent experience. Sometimes, when people are dealing with a lot of stressors that are out of their control, they try and take away the things that are in their control, even if they are going well. It sounded like that's what she did there, changed her mind, then realized that she had done the relationship irreparable harm and ended it for good. I've been going through something similar with my girlfriend, but we both decided to deal with the stress by going in and talking to professionals to learn how to cope with the stress. We've also slowed things down some and not worried so much about "we should be here in the relationship". That's helped out a lot.

The other thing she said is that she wants the feeling back from when you guys first started dating. It's always tough when you move into that next phase of the relationship and it doesn't sound like she was ready to let go of the feelings from the first phase, where everything is new and wonderful. It's tough and it takes work from both sides. Lord knows that it's been stressful since we realized that we're in that phase, but we're working to get through it together. If she's not willing to work at it, and wants to cut you out of her life completely, that's her issue.

My advice is to stop chasing her and move on. If she decides to come back to you, then you can talk it through, but it's not worth stressing over.

It's a good article to wake everyone up from keep on stay in wrong relationship.
There's no point for you to keep staying at the same point while the other person is not there giving you support or ever work it out together. It's hard and cruel to face reality and truth, though you've throwing lots of efforts in it.
Wise friends, c'mon move on.  Good luck for those willing to work it out together.

All that is fine and dandy but the base for the whole thing comes down to this: if the work and pain is not worth the pleasure it is a waste of both your times and one of you has to be mature enought to end it to save both of you from a life time of pain.
If the work is hard going and stressful and is more than just occasional strife then it is too much. Such as a friend of mine said who just left a recent marriage. Everyday she felt like a salmon fight it's way up river and she was to tired to enjoy the relationship because it was like an never ending competition. She ended it --he was devastated and she is happy she is out of that stress.
Are you becomming a clone of the other person. Are you losing your identity. If you are and sturggling with that feeling and the other person is not listening to your cries of wanting to be your own person, then it is time to bail.

I'm going through a very difficult time right now.  My fiancee and I separted 3 1/2 weeks ago - we were together for seven years.  We were not getting along for awhile.  We fought constantly, mainly b/c of the distance between us, we live six hours apart.  He wanted to be together fulltime but I kept putting it off for one reason or another.  We had a huge fight a few days before July 4th and we didn't talk for 4 weeks. He sent me 2 emails asking for the ring back, when I called him, he told me he moved on and was seeing someone else. I was crushed. I have yet to accept that he has moved on and is with someone else. I never thought he and I would be in this sitution. He has stopped all communication with me. How do I move on and forget that he is with someone else now. 

I have been with my husband since I was 16--21 years. Going through a terrible patch right now and argue all the time. Have four young kids and they are suffering two. What are the signs that it is over? I have never been alone in my life and feel that he has controlled me from day 1. I supoprted him and encouraged him as his family abandoned him--now I feel that I was the one who lost out on my dreams and promise for the security of a family. How can a single Mom of four make it in today's economy? With family squabbles daily it just doesn't seem worthwhile anymore!

junio59: My guy has been divorced for 3 years and has two kids; the youngest is 12. I understand his concern for his kids and them being a priority for him and I don't have a problem with that. However, he has a lot of contact with his ex , she calls him frequently and almost every time he is with me. He says he has to answer the phone because she may be calling about the kids or it may bethe kids. Hehas even cancelled plans with me because he had to get together with his ex to discussthe kids. I have started to feel like his ex's feelings are more important than mine and it does not feel good.

We have been going out for over 6 months and I am in love with him, he says he loves me too, but I have this horrible feeling that his ex will always be a big cloud over us especially because he allows it. I have also been divorced 3 years, but contact with my ex is limited because I prefer it that way.

Are we a bad match? is this relationship doomed? am I being a fool? or can we make it?My head tells me to get out before I get hurt, but my heart tells me to stay and so far I have not listened to my head.

An update on my story.............. After almost one and a half years, the guy decided to break up with me because he felt we were on different emotional pages and there was emotional distance on his part. All this after the week before he had been telling me he loved me, go figure!!
A lot of times we ignore our gut feeling, follow our heart and end up getting hurt.

Boy, I guess I fit in this situation perfecly. I had been dating this wonderful woman for 7 months, I fell hard for her, harder than anyone else in my life. I am 47 and she 44. We were in love and around the holiday's I could sense a change. A friend of hers was dying, she had a huge exam to study for, a 16 year old son and a relationship with me and not to mention other daily stress. Well, she broke up with me the day before Valentines Day, OUCH !!! Two days later calls me and apologies went on for 3 hours on the phone not to mention her desire to give 100% to our relationship, wanted me to be her prince and grow old together. Less than 10 days later, the 'I love you's" stopped, the phone calls were infrequent and time together was none. I finally asked her, what did I say, do or is it something else? Her reply was she wanted to break up, be friends and because she wanted that feeling back like when we first dated and she wasn't. Since then, I have sent cards and emails, and I was instructed by her to not call, stop in at home or work. It's been three weeks now, it's getting better but I can't get her off my mind. I know I have to move on but those things she said, she doesn't sya what she means. I am so heartbroken, but I am eating, sleeping and being funny again. Come on, some pity for me????

harleybabe1:

I am in (or was in) a relationship for the past 6 years. He is 14 years older, which isnt a problem. He was married 2 times and went thru 2 nasty divorces. We have a lot in common, professionally and socially. We both ride harleys etc. He has been breaking up every few months for the last 6 years, then we would work things out and it would be ok again - until the next time he decided he didnt want to be in a relationship. He doesnt deal well with stress, and usually when he would break up - there would be something going on with his elderly mother etc, that would trigger his stress and then take it out on me. I love this man with my whole heart. I don't want to give up on him because I know he will be back. He calls me and talkes to me all the time, and still see him at least oce a week or so. I know he is gun shy about getting married, we were engaged for the last 3 yers, but I don't need to be married to him. I told him there isnt a rush. Everyone tells me he is bipolar because he acts hot and cold at work also. I dont know what to do - well i know what i should do - walk away, but i just cant do it. I have been miserable for the last 2 months without him. I could go out but i just think of him and dont even have fun. I know i should run -fast - and find someone that really cares but i don't want to give up on him and I love him too much to let go. Any advice.

Hi there. I just read your story and am living the same. We have been together for almost 4 years, off and on. He asked me to marry him June 08, and it took me quite a long time to answer him. In the end, I said yes as I couldnt imagine my life without him. Here's the kicker though. When he proposed to me, it was on the steps of the courthouse after my day in front of the judge caused by him and his 19 y/o daughter. If there's one thing I've learned through this relationship, it's that the kids will always come first. I just left my job and apt.2 months ago and moved out of state with him (been a dream of ours for 2 years) thinking things would be better, and they're not. The economy has made starting over very difficult, and were both stressed out, but just last week I was going to accept a job offer, and he told me he cant make it here and he's moving back to previous state and he thinks its best if we go our separate ways. what the ....! My head is spinning bigtime. First of all,i don't have the financial resources to just pick up and leave, and second of all, all I keep thinking is his proposal was a ......joke! I hope things have settled down for you and was wondering if you can offer up any advice.