5 Relationship Red Flags
Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. That’s what comes out of our mouths and into our minds after we break up with an especially toxic person. I could have been more guarded. I should have read the signs. I would have dumped him/her months ago had I known…
Well, don’t be too hard on yourself. You were in love. (Or thought you were.) With love’s rose-colored glasses on, oftentimes it’s difficult to recognize abnormal behavior. Next time around, if you aren’t sure if you should listen to that nagging feeling inside of you, maybe this list will come in handy.
Ex-ample #1 – The Ex Is Still in the Picture
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Some people keep in contact with their exes and some people don’t—you have little control over whether your significant other falls one way or the other. But if you find yourself in this situation, you need to ask yourself some serious questions: Why is this person still hanging around? To what degree are they hanging around? (Phone calls? Meetings? Pictures?) Does this other person fulfill some kind of need? Am I (meaning you) really that important?
It’s hard to come to grips with that last one. Truthfully, if your boyfriend/girlfriend is really that into you, they shouldn’t need attention from a former flame. Examine your situation carefully and go with your gut. Even if you don’t feel particularly threatened, an ex in the picture is not something to wave off. Further, if your new sweetie isn’t ready to move on to the bright future with you, the timing isn’t right.
You Catch Them in Lies (Even Small Ones)
Because we are human, we lie on occasion. Let’s be honest: adopting a “no lies, ever” policy only results in hurt feelings. So spare your friend with the bad haircut. She feels bad enough. In most cases, the “white lies” are intended to save someone’s feelings, not cover up shady behavior.
However, little lies such as the whereabouts of your beau or the identity of the mysterious caller on the cell phone should send off a warning bell inside your mind. These fabrications imply there is something to hide, if not now, someday. Even lies that have seemingly little to do with you or your relationship should make you suspicious. Lies about trivial matters are a warning that the big one is around the corner, so don’t play the fool.
Worse, if you are the recipient of any big lies (about previous marriages, children, habits) you should take the cue to run. Honesty really is the pillar of a successful relationship, so expect nothing less.
They Check Everyone Out
Let’s face it. There will always be other people in this world who are more attractive than your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, or wife. If your relationship is honest and strong, you can recognize the attractive mailman or the cute barista behind the counter without dreaming of greener grass. If your mate is ogling every hot pair of legs or stud muffin physique you pass, however, something is wrong, and it’s not you.
A confident person will expect their sweetheart to treat them as the only one in the room. You can still like the way other people look, but you shouldn’t find it necessary to disrespectfully compare them to your partner.
You Really Can’t Stand His/Her Friends
When your significant other is spending time with friends that aren’t exactly stimulating, you wonder what he or she sees in them. If his friends are annoying jerks who would rather play video games and cheat on their women, then it’s time to rethink your choice. Perhaps your steady has a gaggle of single gals who are drama-loving divas, love the club scene a little too much, or are snooty jealous friends. It should make you wonder what she really prioritizes in life.
It’s true that everyone has one or two friends that are “special” (read: weird) that you have to tolerate. However, if all of your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friends drive you nuts and these pals have been around since the sixth grade, odds are that the situation will not go away. If your new steady is surrounded by a village of idiots—guess what—your dearest is probably one too.
They Have Nothing Going On
Sometimes this may be regarded as romantic, but if your new mate is really into you (or too into you), it can be a sign that they don’t have much else happening. A healthy relationship is built from two stable people who have their own lives to live independent from the other. Although hard to see in the beginning since you want to spend every waking moment together, pay attention to the plans and dreams of your new sweetheart.
If your mate is waiting with bated breath for the entertainment you bring, sitting by the phone for your next call, or happy loafing around till noon, perhaps they aren’t a mover or a shaker. Most would agree that driven, determined people are the most attractive, and you want to be with someone who is committed to their future. Aspirations will tell quite a story about your intended, so see if your ambitions match up.
So, how will you know if your current love interest the right one for you? Trust your instincts and be receptive to the underlying signs that make you go “hmmm.” Moreover, you must be able to accept your potential partner the way they are, right now. No more time should be needed for maturing or healing—if your sweetheart is right for you, the timing will be right as well.
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108 Comments View this thread in our community
SnickerdoodleYum
November 22,2010 at 10:41 pmEvery single one of those describes my ex husband and I. Problem was, they didn't show up until after we were married for about two years. Go figure. He changed a lot for various reasons.
SunshineSara
November 20,2010 at 08:39 pmI agree with going with your instinct. You "gut" feeling is ALWAYS right. I always go with my intuition...if it doesnt feel right with someone, I dont continue. Life is too short to be trying to work on a relationship with the wrong person. And I think if we are honest with ourselves, we just "know" when the right one comes along. If we are true to ourselves, we will trust, honor and act on how we feel about someone, and our intuition will always guide us in the right direction.
Uncle Apple
April 15,2010 at 10:35 pmI think that, in some ways, I'm just on the shelf. And that in some ways, I was, maybe more, social in my teen years. But that's neither here nor there, as the saying goes. regardless of what an eharmoney advice article says, it's in accurate, if it only talks about either us men, or about women. Both are the same in some ways, especially when it comes to going poof.
Ravenous
April 15,2010 at 07:31 pmI'm not a fan of the people saying to avoid those with very little if any social life/friends.
I have dealt with social anxiety since grade school (had a rough childhood, which affected myself for many years). I have spent the last 3 years of my life working on my anxiety naturally (no prozac here), and I'm finally starting to live a life, but I'm still in the process of making friends and actually having a social life. Does that mean woman should not bother with me? That's a pretty harsh thing to say to a person who is working hard to improve themselves. I'm no Brad Pitt, but as in the movie "Meet Joe Black," I'm just starting to experience life.
nemolovich
April 14,2010 at 01:18 amI liked the last one, and then the gut feeling part. That one is tough to distinguish, but I think it is important. If you find that the chemistry isn't all there and your asking yourself "hmmmm?" a few times, then you are definitely on a slippery slope! I also agree, you can't change somebody down the road, you both have to be in the right place, right now, when you meet. It's hard to consider this when there is alot of good things though, definitely important...
bobbo56
March 26,2010 at 09:12 pmAnother red flag for you women is if you go into a relationship with a nest egg of your own, don't be too generous with it. A guy I had a relationship with was separated legally (not divorced, said he didn't want to pay for it) & I was divorced. I had some money from the sale of my house, and moved in with him. I later found out that he owed the world money, & was going to lose his house if he didn't pay up. No wonder he sugar coated everything in the beginning! I did help him some, but invested the bulk of my money in MY name. He treated me like crap after that. Beware of guys that say they are financially okay, but are OVER extremely happy that you are too! He also tried to tell me if I left, I would get nothing, and would be living in a ditch. Boy, was he wrong!! Save ALL your proof of payment, girls!! It pays off in the end.
mrflyer
March 26,2010 at 01:53 pmI don't know, either. Why don't you ask them?
Cherami
March 26,2010 at 12:47 pmThere is another red flag that I tell all my guy friends to look out after. That is, if the woman you are dating doesn't have a lot of women friends, and doesn't get along well with other women, run like heck. The truth is that normal woman really enjoy the company of other women. We enjoy their point of view and enjoy discussing everything from the state of the union to how to deal with children and grandchildren. This has been the case since the stone age. If a woman doesn't mix well with other women she, quite likely, will get along and mix well with your men friends and other women's men friends. This type of woman usually looks at other women as threats, looking at them as competition, even if it's the other woman's husband who is the subject of her attention. She doesn't play fair and feels that any many is fair game....she is unlikely to be faithful, she will merely wait for someone better looking and/or more wealthy to come along..........so beware!
XWoman
March 21,2010 at 02:15 pmQuestions:
After a divorce I did some causual dating, later my friend found the girl he wanted to maintain an exclusive relationship with just short of marriage. We still chat from time to time. The three of us crossed paths at an event he knew I would be at and he was very cordial as I introduced him to the friends that were joining me for this event, but he never tried to introduce the two of us. My justification was that maybe he was ashame to say we had a relationship at one time in life.
But later my ex-husband did the same thing to me. I know he loves me is very proud of me. Normally, introduces me to all his female friends, but once he realized we were not going to get back together and moved on he finally found a new love interest ( I guess he sees her as a love interest). We run into each other he greets me, hugs me, gives little kisses on the cheek, in or out of her presence, but never once has he tried to introduce us.
I am trully baffled and want to know why do guys do this?:confused:
mylifesabeach
March 16,2010 at 07:21 pmWell it depends on what is more importatn to him, your relationship or the dog. Maybe if you stick around long enough you will win out. But, the reality is when the ex is still around they are the "we" and you two are the "we" so which of the "we's" is the one that matters?
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