Use Your Anger To Bring Him Closer in 3 Steps
If you're feeling angry or frustrated with a man, you might think you need to hide these feelings...or you'll lose him. But how you share these difficult emotions can actually be a great way to draw a man closer to you and create an even deeper connection with him. Here's how.
When we feel angry or sad or frustrated with a man, our instinct is to try to hide those emotions and "play nice" so we don't push him away or rock the boat. But trying to cover up or ignore these emotions can actually create distance in your relationship and prevent you from truly connecting with a man.
There's a way to talk to a man that will not only get him to listen, it will inspire the right man for you to feel even more devoted to you. The key is to express your feelings in a non-judging, non-blaming way that gives him the chance to express his thoughts. Here's how: you express what you feel, then you say what you don't want, and then you ask him what he thinks. Let me break it down.
STEP 1: "I FEEL..."
If you've ever encountered resistance from a man when you share your feelings, think about whether you were actually sharing your feeling or whether you were making a judgement about his behavior or the situation.
Say he's making a habit of being late. If you tell him, "Why aren't you ever on time? It's so unfair of you to make me wait," he'll just shut down. He can't hear you past this because he feels blamed, criticized, and wrong.
Instead, focus on the actual feeling you are experiencing:
"I feel really weird talking about this, and I don't like feeling angry about such a small thing as "time", but I feel crummy when I'm waiting for someone."
Notice how you're not directly making him responsible for your feelings. You are letting him know exactly what's going on with you without blaming him. He won't feel the need to get defensive, and he'll be able to listen to what you want to say next...
STEP 2: "I DON'T WANT"
When we're angry or upset with a man, it's natural to want to tell him what we want him to do about it. But doing this causes a man to resist since he doesn't want to be told what to do or how to do it! Instead, give him a chance to be part of the issue and to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
So, once you've expressed your feelings, tell him what you don't want. In the case of him being late, you would simply say, "I don't want to miss the show" or simply "I don't want to be kept waiting."
This is much more effective than asking him to call you if he's running late or telling him that he needs to be on time, because you're giving him a chance to rectify the situation by coming up with a solution.
STEP 3: "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"
Asking a man what he thinks and giving him a chance to be part of a solution is music to his ears. He'll appreciate that you're giving him a chance to respond, and it will show him that you value his input.
So, once you express your feeling and tell him what you don't want, throw the ball in his court by asking him what he thinks should be done:
"What do you think would be the best way to work out our differences on this one?"
Saying these words is one of the most powerful things you can do to encourage a man to listen to you and inspire him to want to come closer. Using this three-step script is a simple yet effective way to connect with a man while staying true to you.
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Rori teaches women how to effortlessly attract the right man and create the secure, connected relationship they long for. To learn specific ways to relate to a man - from the early stages of dating all the way through commitment - subscribe to Rori's free e-newsletter. You'll learn word-for-word scripts that will help you connect with a man and inspire his devotion, even during difficult moments.
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15 Comments View this thread in our community
dude1980ish
July 31,2011 at 04:47 amI was in a relationship for 5 years and she would never give me her opion on anything or talk about what was really in her heart.I was always afraid that after I married her she would go ballistic if we had a disagreement.It's healthy for a relationship to see what level of anger you max out at.My x wife used to throw things at me.A guy either starts swinging or cover up.I always covered up.I felt my grievances were never considered.It was all about her
jimmyh452
July 27,2011 at 04:40 pmI see these three steps as general communication advice more than gender specific advice. I'd venture a guess that most women would appreciate it if their men approached them in this manner as opposed to yelling and making accusations and criticizing.
lilloveless
July 27,2011 at 07:37 amwell i think its easy to get mad at him but to continue to be mad at him only make the matter worse especially when he know that it was him that mad you mad any way but the way you handle that problem as a woman or a man make the problem better
Huh
July 14,2011 at 02:00 pmWell... I'm pretty good at keeping it about myself but I must admit I just sent an "I'm confused" e-mail to someone that is obviously laden with frustration a.k.a. anger. Did good except for the "What do you think?" part. I said it in a round about way but not directly using those words. Oh well, when it comes to communicating and growing healthy relationships I am a work in progress. I'll see how it goes and am sure I'll learn something.
A funny thing is, if he asks me why I've still been active on E-Harmony I can honestly say it's been to read the articles. :)
Raybork
July 7,2011 at 01:10 amRori's 3 step script is actually a very good plan in removing blame and criticizing a man when a woman is feeling angry and frustrated.
Us men do get very defensive,we just hate being told off!
My wife is aware of how I reacte when criticized,and understands the best way to approach me similar to Rori's 3 steps. But when she's really angry, sometimes tact and diplomacy just doesn't come into it. This is when arguments even for the most of trivial reasons happen. That's life, if we all just thought about stepping back and taking a deep breath when angry, then confrontation might just turn into discussion.
i'm not sure Rori's point that connecting with your man using the 3 step plan would draw him closer to you. The trick is to think about how he connects with his friends, what engages him and makes him laugh.
Showing genuine interest in what he is passionate about, sports or a particular hobby would be one way of connecting with him. If you find that impossible, invite him out for a beer and shoot some pool.
HelenDanger
June 22,2011 at 09:03 pmI hear you. It gets very confusing. Do lists and don't lists and why this man won't date you lists and get his love that way lists. Feels like nothing is actually safe or right or natural to do. It makes you shut down, when all you really want to do is connect.
Maybe post a question of your own and people will try to help you figure it out? Welcome, by the way. I'm pretty new here too. :)
Calkat
June 22,2011 at 06:51 pmI am sooo confused. After being single for 8.5 years, I read so many conflicting advices on how to be in a relationship with men. Communicate, don't communicate. I've become completely hushed about my feelings when dating, including what I want in a relationship. Really at this point all I want is a fun time at first. I'm easy going & fun and am not sure what I'm doing wrong with men. I'm about to give up.
Trixie1968
June 19,2011 at 01:08 pmAt what point do you use the naughty step? Hmm?
dowahsippydo
June 15,2011 at 03:23 amThis article describes my way of handling these situations. I would so LOVE to be with a woman who rolls like this .
schm1539
June 14,2011 at 11:59 pmIf someone said that to me instead of tellig me that's what they want, and almost make a demand, I'd be more inclined to make that purchase. Plus #3 offers something better,,,, bartering something so you get the diamond studs in return. Yelling at a guy just gets you ignored more often than not.
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