Mixed Messages: A Surefire way to Doom a Young Relationship
As we all know, trust is one of the most important aspects of any relationship. So when you are building the foundation of a new romance, one of your top priorities should be to establish a strong sense that you two can really count on each other, and trust what you say to each other.
One of the best ways to establish this kind of trust is to prioritize direct communication when it comes to how you relate to each other. And by the same token, one of the ways you can undermine the trust in your relationship is to send each other mixed messages.
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Mixed Messages about the Future
One way we lower the trust level in a new relationship is when we send mixed messages about where the relationship itself is headed. For example, there’s nothing at all wrong with saying, “I think we’ve got something really good going here.” But if you follow that up with actions that imply that you aren’t ready to make more of a commitment to the relationship, then it’s going to be hard for your significant other to believe other statements you make. So make sure that when you discuss the future, you say what you really mean, and then that your actions are consistent with what you’ve said. A clear and direct “Let’s take things slowly until we both figure out what we want” is infinitely better than an enthusiastic promise that you’re not sure you want to live up to.
Physical Mixed Messages
Your words aren’t the only way you can make promises. How you physically interact with your new partner sends all kinds of messages as well. This can of course apply to sexual intimacy—for many people, sleeping together is a sign that the relationship has moved to a certain level of seriousness. But there are also plenty of non-sexual physical gestures that send messages as well. Holding hands or kissing in public, for example, often signals that you two are a couple. There are plenty of exceptions to this, but the point is to make sure that you aren’t sending signals that communicate messages that aren’t consistent with how you honestly feel.
Silent Mixed Messages
Just as you can send mixed messages with what you say and what you do, you can also create all kinds of confusion—and thus damage the trust in your relationship—by saying nothing at all. For instance, when your partner asks, “What’s wrong?” and you answer, “Nothing,” that’s not necessarily a problem. But if something really is wrong and your partner knows it, then the fact that you are refusing to discuss it, or even to acknowledge it, can erode his or her ability to trust what you say. So if you don’t want to talk about a subject, be direct and say, “I don’t want to talk about this right now.” That way you’re being honest and direct, rather than sending signals that have to be interpreted and can damage the foundations of your relationship.
Mixed Messages about your Preferences
Watch out for ways you may send mixed signals with what you say you like or don’t like. For example, if your significant other invites you to a concert you won’t like, and you accept the invitation with a lot of enthusiasm in order to keep from hurting his or her feelings, then you shouldn’t sit through the show as if you’re bored out of your mind. The issue, once again, is trust. Honesty and direct communication build strength and intimacy into a relationship, whereas mixed messages and little white lies can erode that healthy groundwork you’re trying to lay together. (Plus, you may have to keep going to those awful concerts!) So when your partner asks your opinion on a topic, or wants to know how you feel about a certain subject, tell the truth. Even if it’s not what he or she wants to hear at the moment, your honest and direct answer will score major points in terms of deepening and strengthening the connection you two are building together, and allow the other person to know you in deeper ways.
Mixed Messages About “the Ex”
When you are building a new relationship with someone, a former boyfriend or girlfriend is one subject where you absolutely cannot allow any ambiguities. This applies, first of all, to what you say. Any time the ex’s name comes up, you need to be perfectly clear regarding the fact that things are definitely over between you, and that you have moved on without a doubt. And more than that, this point applies to what you do. There is virtually no way that you can build a new relationship with a new person unless your actions back up your words on this subject. If you have told your new partner that the old relationship is over, but you continually take calls and exchange emails from your ex, then your new significant other is going to have a hard time taking you at your word—on this and lots of other points.
Want a surefire way to doom your young relationship? Send mixed messages. It will set up damaging patterns that will be difficult to overcome as you and your partner move forward.
But if you want to build a solid connection and fortify your relationship so that it can be as strong as possible, then prioritize clear, direct communication from the beginning. The more you both say what you mean, and mean what you say, the better chance you’ll have of going the distance together.
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19 Comments View this thread in our community
CHello
March 16,2009 at 09:36 amHi, I'm looking for some help. I met someone on eharrmony. The date went great. For two weeks we planned how he was coming back to Chicago to visit. He asked me when I wanted to see him, I told him as much as we can since I knew he had to return to Iowa Monday.
Friday night he showed up I made dinner we talked and hung around with my children home. He left about 10:30 I called him to make sure he knew how to get to the Hotel ok. I asked him what were we going to do tomorrow. He told me maybe I could come downtown, but he had to meet with his friend at 6 p.m that just lost his job and his leg and he couldn't disappoint him. I finally heard from him @ 4p.m Sun night he was already back in IOWA. He knew I was going in for surgery on Monday. From Sun to Tue. of last week I received 4 phone calls. "Hi, I hope you have a nice sat and sun....."
Why do people do things like this or am I just over sensitive. I closed the match yesterday. In my head I'm just not interested in the games.
What do you think? I would really appreciate the input
agape3
March 9,2009 at 01:45 amThat's unfortunate that someone would say and feel that children are baggage.
Kids are beautiful gifts to all of us around the world.
I hope you find someone that respects you as a caring committed father and has a heart for your kids and supports your relationship.
That's not too much to ask for.
lifeandsoul
February 5,2009 at 03:42 amWOW this is right on the money... As an 40 year old, I've found that life has thrown a few more curve balls at us oldess. We all have been hert one way or another, but if we don't let go of the fear of it happening again we will miss out on so much, as the next could be the one.. We all young and old need to let go of the hert(not forget), before we try to move on to the next, how ever long that takes... trust yourself and don't let them, that have hert you win any more then they think they have aready. Free your heart and soul of the pain and hert and you will find happieness when you lest expect it... You get what you give and if you don't then it's not right and so move on.. Lifes to short to be unhappy..
michigancutie75
February 3,2009 at 04:13 pmI think if your in a healthy relationship you should be able to talk about anything and everything. That person should respect your feelings and want to listen to your needs and love you for who you are. If your keeping secrets no good can come from it. In the end they always find out and your stuck with egg on your face.
pinake
February 3,2009 at 10:45 ameharmony is right about mixed massages.specially when the relationship is in building position. when partner knows each other very well it does'nt effect that much as it effects in young stage.
Lion
February 3,2009 at 07:33 amabsolutely on the money! my wife still emails, callsand MSN chats with her ex boyfiend every day. I like yiou got smothered by the 2 of them and he (the ex) damaged my marrige beyond repair constantly interefering and giving his opinion of how I should deal with the situation and she stood by and let it happen! without defending me!
Naturally I divorced her. AS far as I know now she is back with him - the ex!
Lion
February 3,2009 at 07:28 amMargaret - ex's are ex's for a good reason. Perhaps you are too insecure about yourself to really let go of an ex and move on.
cheekyoziechick
February 3,2009 at 02:04 ameHarmony is right on the money. I just want to comment about sending mixed messages about the ex. There cannot be three in a relationship. If your partner is on the phone to his ex and meeting up for coffee or having drinks at the club, then the relationship is still not over. My ex still has his ex in his life but says she is just a friend. It got clostraphobic..so I got out! My advice to men...when the relationship is over then make sure it is over or your new partner will always be in doubt and it will eventually harm the new relationship.
SimonBM
February 3,2009 at 12:57 amHave to say that I am not a fan of ex's playing a big role in a partners life. Also not a fan of FB's hanging around. An ex of mine had a recent fb who just wouldnt disappear... and she did nothing to discourage it. Once I found out that they were emailing, meeting for breakfast (arranged around times I had my son), then the relationship was in peril... despite her later assurances that there was nothing going on. I said .. if he is just a friend... then I'm happy to be introduced to him. Of course that never happened.
I think the 'Introduce me to them' is a good acid test to confirm if indeed they are just platonic. If they can't do that... then they are hiding the extent of the relationship and I wouldn't even waste my time on them, because they aren't treating you with respect.
As for 1 on 1 dinners... wouldn't a partner rather do that with the man she is seeing? Making dinner dates at nice restaurants with an ex... either she is completely insensitive or completely stupid... either characteristic is hardly one I would want in a partner.
As for me, I do have a partner that I love and trust. She does have an ex who occasionally emails and calls. She does tell me when this happens. As much as it would be utopia, I don't pretend that she hasn't had a past, but they are ex's for a reason, and I have had to learn to park my insecurities.Trust until given a reason not to.
sessy1111
February 2,2009 at 08:54 pmI did sumthing super stupid with my new relationship. We'd been having a bad patch cause he had been an ass one week and it scared me off and so I think because I got scared I told him i only saw him as a friend and that I was still in love with my ex. but now thinking about it Im not in love with my ex. I think its just that my new relationship was headed into the same really great place of luv and stuff and then he was this ass and so I think it was more a longing for what I had had. and I didn't see him as my friend simply was scared of thinking of him more because of how he had treated me. does that makes sense. my new relationship still wants to give it ago but I feel so bad for what I said to him.
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