5 Reasons People Stay in Bad Relationships
As a general rule, we know when we’re done. A constant depression coupled with no communication, no joy, no laughter, no physical contact, no love…no need to really explain further, right? But despite the telltale signs, many of us continue to stay in relationships that have clearly run their course.
Those couples suffering may spend all of their time together bickering and arguing, and the rest of it avoiding and withdrawing, but something still stops them from pulling the plug. From the outside it may seem like a complete mystery why, but here are just five reasons people stay in bad relationships…
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1. The Devil You Know ...
Bad relationships can be habit forming: it may not be good, but you know what to expect. For some these familiar patterns bring a kind of comfort, and induce an almost irrevocable inertia. Coupled with a fear of change, this can be decidedly lethal, and potentially lead to many years of unhappiness. In this scenario, it’s important to understand that ‘familiar’ doesn’t necessarily mean ‘good’. Try and look beyond what you have to what could be, and find the strength to make a change. Imagine the relationship you want, and don’t stand still until you’ve got it.
2. The Practicalities
For many, the everyday practicalities of day-to-day living get in the way of making the right kind of life-changing decisions. Perhaps it’s a financial situation – how on earth can you rent or buy a place on just your income? What will you do for health insurance? Who’s going to do all those jobs around the house? Maybe you’re simply too embarrassed to tell your friends? Here it’s important to know that for every problem, there is some kind of solution. Sometimes it means taking baby steps to get to a new place that will ultimately be better for everyone. Just because your new life is more than a stretch away, it doesn’t mean you can’t get there.
3. For The Children
Clearly this is one of the most complex and serious reasons why people in bad relationships stay together. It’s also perhaps the most pressing reason to make every effort to work as hard on it as possible before giving up. Having said that, if your relationship is abusive or horribly dysfunctional, it could still be better for all concerned to leave it while you still can. It’s neither good for you or your children to be exposed to the worst type of human behavior.
4. Who Else Would Want Me?
Low self-esteem is a huge hurdle to overcome when it comes to getting out of a bad relationship. Often, it’s actually being in the relationship that’s caused you to feel bad about yourself in the first place. Or if not, that’s how you got yourself there – ‘they’re not right, but who else would want to go out with me?’ There are no quick fixes to improving your self-image, and in many cases it can require one-on-one therapy to help turn how you feel around. But remember that what may seem like the worst alternative – being on your own – may not be such a horrible one. Which brings us, finally, to…
5. Fear of Being Alone
Sometimes we have a completely irrational fear of being on our own, which in turn can keep us in a relationship well beyond its sell-by. But when you really stop to think about it, what’s so horrible about spending some quality time with the one person we know we can at least agree with? In fact, some extended alone time can be really good for you. It’s an opportunity to catch up on those things we’ve been not-so-secretly dying to do: maybe it’s a night class, maybe some redecoration… it could simply be giving yourself the time to see those movies you missed. Best of all, though, it’s a chance to really get to know and understand yourself, and give you the chance to discover what it is you need and want from a relationship next time around.
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44 Comments View this thread in our community
epee03
February 5,2011 at 08:51 amNo. 4 struck me a bit. i didn't stay because i didn't think anyone else would like me but more about how and where i would be able to find someone else that i could develop the same type of relationship with. we had something potentially really good and i can't believe i was actually willing to stay in longer despite the emotional abuse we both seemed to inflict on each other. it really is a bad sign when both of you bring out the worse in each other.
ShesGettingSmarter
February 4,2011 at 12:33 pmAdd getting a divorce for a second time to the list, and being afraid to make a mistake again for the third time. My second husband was cheating on me, and I begged him to stop, but he refused and then he divorced me on my birthday. I have been alone now for over 6 years. I not only have spent entire weekends alone, but I have spent Christmas and other holidays alone. My parents are both deceased, my sister lives out of town, and my daughters father (husband #1) lives out of town so she spends some holidays with him.
Believe me, being alone on holidays is not fun and I was depressed the first time that it happened, but you can make the best of it by changing your attitude. If you look at it as a day off where you can do whatever you want, then it can be a fun day. You can concentrate on making yourself feel better, like work on improving your diet, exercising, cleaning out and organizing your closet, watching a movie, reading a book that you have not had time for, etc. And realizing that you are lucky in many ways, and realizing that no guy is worth getting upset over because if he wanted to be with you, well then he would be, and that is his decision, and that is beyond your control.
polly_anna
November 8,2009 at 08:42 pmAbout the Devil You Know... I was telling a friend that I broke up with my BF and she tried to tell me I was crazy, that there are a lot worse people out there, why would I give him up? Can't I compromise? So I guess she was espousing that theory. Until I told her it was because I caught him cheating... but she still wanted to know if I thought he could change.
polly_anna
November 8,2009 at 07:54 pmAbout the Devil You Know... I was telling a friend that I broke up with my BF and she tried to tell me I was crazy, that there are a lot worse people out there, why would I give him up? Can't I compromise? So I guess she was espousing that theory. Until I told her it was because I caught him cheating... but she still wanted to know if I thought he could change.
nightling
October 8,2009 at 08:22 pmI think biologically when you've bonded with someone it's hard to let go of them if the chemistry has been pretty good. You feel like you're losing that one "true" love you can never find again. It's a storybook idea and it's wrong. You can find passion and love with more than one person in a lifetime. But it's how we feel, and sometimes that keeps us in an unhappy situation, whether that is the wrong person, or being alone because a spouse died.
drafter72
October 8,2009 at 12:44 amWell as far as fear of being alone goes, that has got to be the worst. I so fear falling back into an alcohol and drug quandry if I should ever be single again. The last one was a terrible life changing (for the worse) experience that I probably could not venture through again.
And BTW someone will want you...someone wanted me!
ardel
July 9,2009 at 05:55 pmI've been married for 16 years and out of those 16 years, the only time I had peace was when he spent two years in prison. He choses alcohol over us and AA would only work if he wants it to work to help him resist and use the tools to combat his addiction. But regardless of what he does, it's way past the time for me to LIVE. And to live good! Ardel
trl62
May 3,2009 at 11:46 amI think you are looking at life through rose colored glasses if you think all relationships can be fixed or even should be. The relationship I was in I didn't just bail on when things got tough. I stuck it out for 25 years through unemployment, substance abuse, infidelity, illness and physical abuse. I tried family interventions, rehab, family counseling, etc..... NOTHING worked. And you are right, it takes two to make it work and only one to destroy it. If your partner isn't giving it 100% of their effort and keeps rehashing the same problems and tired excuses maybe you should cut your losses and give up the fight. And don't wait 25 years.... read the signs and realize some relationships just aren't worth trying to save. Life is not a fairy tale and EVERY story doesn't have a happily ever after ending. And people shouldn't feel be accused or judged it they couldn't make it work.
Cakespeare
May 3,2009 at 09:50 amSo, you as an expert are convinced that the termination of a relationship it the only solution left for a so called "bad relationship"? As a layman, I disagree.
Every relationship develops because of definitefactors in the character and personality of the two people. Some relationships thrive, while others either stagnate or degenerate due to other factors. I feel that you, as an expert, should be addressing the issues that help in the progress of relationships.
A relationship is nothing less than a Living Being, which has all the qualities of a human being, especially those of the two partners, and possibly also a little bit of other individuals in their respective worlds. That Living Being is a Spirit without a body, and needs every nourishment a human spirit needs for its health and growth. It has the very same phases of growth as a human being; from infancy to childhood to adulthood and a mature old adult However, the rate of growth may be much higher than in the case of a physical human being.
When the two individuals who started the relationship are want the it to contrinue and thrive, they each have the same assets in their personalities and characters that once mutually attracted them, so as to be able to provide it with the necessary care and nourishment, see it back to normal health.
Termination of a relationship is an option which some people already envisage while getting into relationships. At some turning points, especially just before the relationships enter a watershed, many individuals fail to accept the very rewarding challenge and turn their backs, only to enter into another one - and keep repeating the process.
A healthy and rewarding relationship requires two to establish and build, but unfortunately, it requires just one to break it up.
IN_dodah
April 26,2009 at 07:42 pmBecause people think they can change a person (rescue them from what you think are their shortcomings) by loving them. Can't. Doesn't work. It is the height of fat headedness to think you can. In a bag of apples, I have never seen the good ones make the rotten ones whole, fresh or healthy. It works the same way with people.
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