Betrayal: 5 Steps to Help You Move Forward
If you’ve recently suffered the sting of betrayal, you probably feel like your life is spinning out of control right now. Between your mind filling with madness and your emotions flipping from outrage to sadness, it’s natural to keep asking, “How could this happen to me?”
You may also be beating yourself up, wondering how a smart, savvy, somewhat idiot-proof individual like you could have gotten so blindsided by someone you trusted and loved. Between the tears, humiliation, and confusion, you may wonder how you’ll ever survive. What follows are five crucial steps to successfully move forward and beat the bite of betrayal. When implemented, you will rise above the pain, and ultimately achieve peace of mind and forgiveness.
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Step #1: Practice Forgiveness
If your partner’s betrayal has you trapped in a prison of pain, blame, and resentment, it’s time to forgive yourself so that you can be free from the pain, confusion and anger. Yes, your life has been turned upside down, and yes, betrayal is unconscionably bad behavior. But until you can forgive yourself and at least consider forgiving your partner, your heart, soul, and body will become a toxic receptacle, holding onto all negativity like a sponge. Do yourself a favor, spare yourself months of self-loathing and blame by instead giving yourself the gift of forgiveness. Bear in mind forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. You are not letting the other person off the hook for hurting you, but you are lessening the grip betrayal has over you and allowing greater focus on the many positive points in your life that can help you move forward. Ultimately, practicing forgiveness is the pathway to healing.
Step #2: Self-Worth vs. Blame
Instead of blaming yourself for your partners’ betrayal, appreciate your worth, know you are enough just as you are, and recognize the infidelity or other betrayal had nothing to do with you. On the flip side, if you’re stuck in a cycle of intense anger and blame towards your partner, you need to decide if you can start to let go and rebuild your relationship, or if it’s time to walk away and move on. To help you decide whether to stay or go, you first need to understand the origins of betrayal. Most people who cheat and/or betray in some other way suffer from low self-esteem. They also have a high need for acceptance and approval. If your partner fits this description, you need to decide if you can deal and heal or give your partner the heave ho in order to recover. Either way, it’s essential to stop taking the betrayal personally. Instead, free yourself from the blame game, live in the present, and move forward with productive, positive thoughts. Bask in the knowing that you are not to blame.
Step # 3: Permission to Heal
Instead of punishing yourself and hanging on to the “story” of your betrayal, give yourself permission to heal, starting right this minute. Sound impossible? It’s not. Start by turning down those obsessive thoughts about the past and what can’t be erased. Next, practice self-love, reminding yourself that you are a loving and caring individual who didn’t deserve to be betrayed. Next, start thinking about what you can learn from this agonizing experience. What lessons can you now apply to create a rock solid relationship in the future? Will you listen to your gut, question red flags, and pay attention to warning signs along the way? Will you love yourself enough to only allow in that happy, healthy, and loving relationship you deserve? If betrayal is part of your journey (and like it or not, it is), what enlightening insights can help you heal in the months to come (and hopefully avoid any future betrayals)?
Step #4: Rebuild Trust
While it’s easy to fall into the betrayal trap of massive mistrust towards your partner moving forward, be aware that projecting your fears will not help you heal. If you plan to stay with your partner, you’ll need to focus on rebuilding trust. If you can’t forgive, then don’t waste time staying in the relationship and trying to make your partner pay for their past transgressions. Instead, give yourself the opportunity to pick up the pieces and start again. Start by learning to trust yourself and your life choices. Instead of focusing on your ex and the betrayal (not to mention past relationship disappointments that may be adding up to a mistrust in yourself right about now), think about all the amazing people in your life who you can trust, including yourself. Make a list of ten fantastic choices and decisions you’ve made in the last few years. Reflect on the people who have kept your confidences, honored their word, and stuck by your side. Soon, you’ll be slaying the beast of betrayal and going from victim to victor. Plus, by slowly and steadily rebuilding trust with your partner (or simply with yourself if you leave the relationship), you’re better able to let go of fear, doubt, and insecurity.
Step #5: Don’t Punish Future Partners
Another travesty of betrayal may not present itself until your next relationship. Still, now’s the time to ask yourself if you plan on punishing future partners for your ex’s sins, or if you’ll be strong enough to give them the trust they deserve. For example, if a future date says or does something that triggers a memory of betrayal, instead of treating them unfairly, accusing them of lying, and then pulling away without explanation, why not calmly and courageously express your fears and concerns? If you cop to your insecurities and give your date a chance to hear you out, you’ll maximize your chances of building an open, honest, and successful relationship.
Truth be told, every relationship has its rough patches, but if you proceed with clarity, you’re guaranteed a smoother ride. After a betrayal, it’s all too easy to fall into a funk of doubt, anger, and uncertainty about the future. By working the five steps above, you’re more likely to beat those betrayal blues, and ultimately build a more stable and satisfying future. When in doubt, stay focused, practice patience, and persevere!
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Anonymous
December 24,2011 at 01:10 pmI am going through my first Christmas without my wife. I found out that she has been cheating on me with a married man. He is a marine who has been married for 20 years and has 3 kids. His wife also knows and somehow called me and told me about the affair. His wife is devastated and going through counseling to put her marriage back together. Unfortunately the emails and phone conversations show that He is in love with my wife and my wife thinks he is her soul mate. We have been together for 6 years and during this time I managed to push all my friends and family away to be able to spend all my time with her. Today is Christmas Eve and I am sitting here alone in an empty house.
I try to find a moment in the day to stop thinking about all the content in the emails that were discovered. The guy is a high ranking marine and he is the lead marine for the SF Fleet week. I am looking through the time line of the emails and phone calls and it looks like all he was doing while he was here to chase my wife and did not spend any time doing his job. I want to send all the emails to his commanding officer, but I feel bad for his wife and kids because this might end his career. I always thought the marines lived by a code of honor and took care of country, family and kids.
I have not slept for the last 9 nights and I feel like I am going crazy. I am noticing little things in life are hard for me to remember. I feel numb and tired all day. I have an important job and it helps me support myself and my Mom who has depression and diabetes and is 68 years old.
I just want to feel ok and move on with my life, any advice would be great right now.
Aimee08
December 16,2009 at 11:42 pmdelete
Ladiva43
October 10,2009 at 11:06 ammarried for 17yrs, found out march this year 19yr old is pregnant with husband's child, throw him out..they lived 5minutes drive away from my home, he is taking her to my family doctor...took him to court for child support....etc..I took our two sons away for holiday came back and he is acting like nothing happened...he told the boys he lives alone and these are a few proposals that came my way from him would u like to go lunch? want ot go for a ride? do u want to go to burger king with the kids and I?...Is this guy for real?...we were separated for 8yrs because of his drinking and abusiveness and just started living back since last July, keep me in your prayers cause I'm moving on with no looking back, this was the closure that was needed...he will never change!
vjkjv
September 22,2009 at 06:00 pmI've read a lot of forgiveness articles, but all seem to apply to the situation where you get to walk away from the individual and never see them again. The part about not being consumed with resentment for the rest of your life makes perfect sense, but...
-How exactly do you get over the anger when you have to see the person every week (because you have kids together)?
-How exactly do you get over anger from *double* betrayal (when your partner/spouse AND your best friend/sibling run off together) and you have to see these people all the time?
Whoever's gotten past these things successfully - Please ADVISE HOW YOU DID IT! Thanks
Mariannie
March 5,2009 at 09:05 pmOf all the steps....step 5 has got to be the hardest. If you've ever been cheated on you know how hard it is to trust anyone again.You seem to always be looking for "the signs" when your with someone new. You can't help yourself. You do it even if you don't meanto. Thats why its important to tell any future partners about your past.Don't blame yourself for way things were. And carry on.
mynia
March 4,2009 at 10:30 pmI have recntly divorced,due to betrayal and not one affair but three. I had been married for 22years and all of the affairshave occured in these last 9 years. This last one has also a child involed, and being sued. It is hard to even think that you can forgive someone that continues to disrespect you as a women. My ex still says that he loves me but I can't trust nor do I belive him. I read your story I guess I am still to angry to think that forgiving myself will make things better. Pls advi.
bOnJovIfAn
February 25,2009 at 06:51 pmHi I too have been betrayed by my so called 'friends,' my husband of 10 years slept with that many of my 'friends' over the years and I didn't find out til it was too late.
We're now divorced...
I then get into a semi relationship with a guy, unbeknown to me it's certainly not exclusive and monogamous. I took my niece and one of her 16 year old friends around to his place with me one night, (he was 27 at this stage) and I find out a while later he screwed this 16 year old girl I took to his place.... aswell as anything else with legs and a @#%$&.
I confront him about it and do you know what he says to try and get himself out of trouble...? I didn't know she was 16 and one of your niece's friends... I THOUGHT SHE WAS YOUR FRIEND!!!
Lol that makes it all better eh???
Needless to say I trust no one but myself and my two beautiful children theses days...
Xfiredadof1
February 20,2009 at 03:19 pmI wish I would have seen this 3 years ago when I caught the mother of my year old child in bed with a "friend" from high school. I wouldnt have gone back for 3 years of cheating and hell that I did, also wouldnt be in trouble with the law.This time she was planing to leave me for someone at work who is a bigger cheat and player then her thats married.You cant make someone stay loyal who is thinking of being with someone else when your with them. The two of them can have eachother, shes cheating on him now asI type this.I just wish they would leave my child with her with me.
missb
February 20,2009 at 01:33 pmHi. I was recently engaged to a wonderful man loving caring all the things that you wanted.We were engaged on Nov 15, 08. We were happy. till the middle of dec he started pushing me away and not being very attentive to me. We went on vacation around christmas time and nothing had change., still pushing me away and i was worry. I aksed him if we were ok and he said yes and if not he would let me know. By Jan as him we need to talk about whatever was bothering him. So Tues we was surpose to talk, but insteadhe caught a phone call and left the house. Well he didn't come home at all, so i call him all night long. He never responded, so i was worried and call his work to see if he went in. I got a rude message from him and that we would talk when he get home . He call of the engagement and blame it on my son. a week an half later a young lady and a family friend came to tell he he was having an affair with her mother a coworker at work and i had a right to know what he was doing. It has been going on for sometime they told me. Boy was i shocked and hurt.
He kept tell me it wasn't true and the woman is divorcing her husband the same time he was breaking up with me. We can be friends and i care about you is what he told me and kick me out of our bed.I finallly confront him but he is sticking to the story he gave me. The is bragging on myspace. they both are a bunch of cowards, i was also told that he does this alot. I am glad we did not get married. As they say what goes around comes around.
It stills hurt but i am taking it one day at a time.
dreamaon
February 18,2009 at 02:29 pmHi I just joined,
After seven year with my boyfiend, I discover he was cheating. I noticed a change in his behavor about 6 months ago and I asked him if evething was ok. He told me I was starting trouble and that eveything was fine.
I started my own investigation and discover a phone number that kept showing up on his caller id. Two or three time a week. With the help of the internet I found out who this number belonged to. It was a female. I then found outwere she lived. I did a drive by one night and my boyfriend car was at her house. I left my business card on his windsheild and drove home in tears. He called, we made up, when on vacation and I forgave him.Two months later I catch him again at the same house.This time I wait until he leaves and confont him. I'm calm and kool, don't want to make a scene. Can't afford the drama. Again we make up and make a New Years resolution to be honest and communicate our feelings to each other.
He contined to take phone calls from this lady and she was even at his house. I've found boxes of condoms, cards and gifts. Hewanted me to believe he had stopped all communication with this lady, and that things between us were just fine;but I knew different.On valentines day I presented him with a "Dear John" letter, and left.The sad thing isthat I love this man, and miss him already; but I can no longer trust him. I keep asking myself what did I do wrong. Why do I always get the cheaters. My ex-husband of 12 yearswas a cheater too. DoI have some type ofsign onmy back that says "Cheaters please apply" 12 years with one man, another seven years with this one. I'm 43, I can't afford to keep hooking-up with men who can't be faithful to me.
Betrayal sucks, especially after being in two long term relationships. I am determined tosurvive this incident. Whycan't men just be honest? Give a women the choice to stay or go, instead of cheating......
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