We're a Couple. How do we Handle Friendships with the Opposite Sex?
Now that we’re a couple, how do we handle friendships with the opposite sex? It’s a common question, especially when the relationship has begun to move toward the serious stage. Here are some guidelines to help you handle your outside friendships in a way that supports and encourages your romantic relationship, as opposed to weakening it or even tearing it down.
Communicate your Expectations and Desires
As in so many other aspects of a relationship, it’s crucial that you communicate well about friendships with the opposite sex. Talk openly about your expectations and desires, and about how you’d each like to address these issues. Think about your various friendships, and discuss together what roles you want them to continue to play in your lives.
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Keep in mind, too, that some people tend to be more possessive or jealous and are uncomfortable with their partner spending time with someone of the opposite sex; whereas for others, that isn’t an issue at all as long as there is a strong trust between you. If the person you’re dating feels threatened by your friendships and wants to control you and claim your full and exclusive attention, watch out. As always, it’s important that you maintain your own sense of autonomy, even as you learn to join with this person you care about. These are all issues you’ll want to discuss openly with each other.
Be Protective of your Relationship
Spending time with friends is one thing, but if there are elements of those friendships that threaten your relationship, then you probably need to change some of the patterns in those friendships. Or you may need to end certain relationships entirely. If you are really serious about making things work in your dating relationship, then you might need to make some hard decisions regarding some outside friendships.
This especially applies when you find yourself wanting to be less than honest with your partner. If you feel compelled to hide or shade the truth, then be careful—you could be headed for a danger area. For example, you might find yourself saying, “I had lunch with some friends from work,” when really you had lunch with only this one person. That’s a dangerous trend to see creeping up in your relationship, so take steps to address it as soon as you notice it. That way you can protect your connection, build trust, and increase the odds that your relationship will develop into something strong and deep.
Find a Healthy Balance
You don’t have to choose between your commitment to your relationship and your commitment to your other friends. The key is balance. As we said before, a friendship that is likely to torpedo your relationship is a danger you should deal with right away. And that goes for any friendship, whether it’s with a man or a woman. But as a general rule, outside friendships are good for you and even important, since it’s not healthy to depend on one person to meet all your needs. Friendships can feed and nurture you, making you a better individual as well as a better partner who can bring even more to your relationship.
Set Ground Rules
We can’t tell you exactly what boundaries you should set regarding this area of your relationship. But it’s a good idea to establish basic principles that guide your interactions with outside people. That way you can maintain your external friendships, but do so in a way that doesn’t threaten what you have with each other. Here are some examples to get you started thinking about these ground rules:
• Prioritize respect in your relationship. This is key to a good relationship in so many ways, but especially in this area. Promise that you’ll treat each other respectfully, whether you’re together or apart.
• Don’t be overly critical of your partner to someone who might take it the wrong way. Criticism of a partner can open a door that leads to danger, since your friend might interpret your complaint as an invitation for them to fill a more significant role in your life. The same goes for sharing struggles or problems you’re having in your relationship. Of course it’s important that you find healthy ways to talk about and process your emotions and troubles. But choose your listeners carefully, so a friend doesn’t take what you’re saying as a signal that you’re looking for more than a friendship.
• Agree to a general attitude of honesty within your relationship. This ground rule can cover a lot of bases. For instance, you two might agree that you won’t share something with an outside friend that you wouldn’t share with each other. Or maybe you establish a rule that you won’t keep secrets from each other regarding what you’re doing with—or how you’re feeling about—another friend.
Be Flexible and Willing to change as the Relationship Progresses
Again, all of the above are merely guidelines to help you think through how you want to handle this important area of your relationship. So don’t be rigid about these or any other “rules” you set up. Instead, recognize how important it is to be able to adapt to changing situations and relational dynamics. Over time, as your level of commitment progresses, you may want to periodically revisit your conversations regarding the roles others have in your lives. That way, your relationship can be guided by certain principles about how to interact with people of the opposite sex while allowing you to adjust as you grow together and as your relationship evolves.
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Ingytravel
January 29,2011 at 06:00 pmWhile I respect your view and I'm sure you can find a woman who doesn't have any male friends...just wanted to state that most divorces have nothing to do with someone's friends...male or female...people who have affairs...will find anyone to do this with...a co-worker..stranger..someone they meet on the train each day...
My guy friends are men from previous long term relationships...and my one ex husband...the men I date also have women friends...for me...I am a secure enough in my relationship and have complete trust...If they want to leave me for someone else, I can't stop them...that means they don't love me...or not the man for me..to worry about it because they talk to the opposite sex is pointless...
I've never had it become a problem in any of my past relationships...I cherish my friends both male and female over the years and we have been through marriages, divorce, death, cancer, kids, etc. together...I love them dearly...
As you point out..not everyone can handle this...that's ok...I just don't see the correlation of divorce because of friends..
JLK
January 29,2011 at 05:09 pmRight off the bat, before even dating a woman, I ask about guy friends. If I get the feeling that there may be trouble I toss that fish back in the sea. There are plenty of ladies who don't have guy friends, just like I don't keep girl friends. Outside of work and family of course. Not to mention, the least attractive woman to be in a relationship for me is one who is friends with her ex. I don't care how old fashioned I sound, or what year this is. The divorce rate is out of control for a reason, and I don't intend to help it be more out of control.
Dugl
December 6,2009 at 07:44 amIf you're a couple, don't have sex (even Clinton sex) with anyone other than your partner. It's that simple. Just add "hits & passes" made by anyone to your ego arsenal to turn loose as passion on your partner. ;)
misswright
December 4,2009 at 06:50 pmI Find it best that when your a couple that you should be able to meet the friends. The key to a good health relationship is to talk openly about what you feel about dealing with the opposite sex friendship.keep in mind that you need to have friendship of the opposite sex but you must give respect to any concern party feelings now that you are a couple when issues arise address them.Once you build the trust open commucation.
liquidKi
December 31,2008 at 08:27 amThis is a good observation jay. Guys more than girls will almost never be friends with a girl they don't find attractive in some way. That doesn't mean we want to sleep with all our girl friends though some guys certainly would. My guy friends and I like to point out the "hawks" that hang around girls in our friend group waiting for their current relationship to end. But all girls aren't as naive as they seem and I believe many girls know on some level that these guys like them; they are just ok with it because it feeds their ego.
I would consider hanging out with a friend who you know likes you / would like to sleep with you / would like to date you as an affront to the relationship. If none of these apply though, guys and girls can be great friends. I have a couple that are like sisters to me. We tease and joke and ridicule and laugh and it's all good. But if I were in a relationship and realized I wanted more with any of them I'd not be being true to myself and thus to the relationship.
jayjay
December 31,2008 at 07:36 amA related observation is that I am continually surprised at the naivete of women I know regarding men's interest in them. So many times I've seen women who swore male friends of theirs were only interested in friendship....and then were shocked when they found out this wasn't the case. None of these women have been married so it wasn't a major issue. Still, what surprises me is how I see women over and over again mistake a man's true interest. This isn't to say that there aren't men who only want to be friends with women...it's just that oftentimes there is some hidden romantic or sexual interest and many women don't seem to be able to discern this.
pinz
December 31,2008 at 05:47 am.... and I would add, it runs the other way too. I have many long standing male friends who I've know for decades. A FEW have gone by the wayside cuz, for whatever reason, they are 'uncomfotable' ALLOWING a 'female' single FRIEND into their lives ....What has 'hurt' in these instances is the lack of respect, to TALK about what's going on, WITH ME ... My follow-up response has generally been to not bug them, cuz I RESPECT their marriages and other committed relationships, but geesh, it's INSIGHTFUL behaviour from my p.o.v, and likely why I've never married any of them !!! .... make sense??
travelfairy
December 30,2008 at 10:28 pmThere have been a lot of smart posts on this thread.
I think the problem is that not all of the friendships are the "healthy clean friendships" that NewOlivia was referring to. Whilst it's good to have opposite sex friendships, if those friends don't respect the relationship, then they need to go.
I have OS friends I've known and loved for years, and whilst they are welcome to disagree with my choice of partner, if they try and overstep any boundaries and pose a risk to my relationship, or if my spouse is deeply uncomfortable with one of them, then it's my responsibility to cut things off.
Jeopardising my relationship isnot worth the ego boost of having somebody being unnecessarily flirtatious or behaving inappropriately.
NewOlivia
December 30,2008 at 05:48 pmAnyone who eliminates friends from your life.. HAS MAJOR ISSUES! This type of person usually is very insecure and very controlling. They try to get rid of any "competition" and don't understand how to be a friend. You can never have too many healthy clean friendships. Male or female, you always need friends. They help you see a more balance picture of life. Now I would volunteer to get rid of ex-boyfriends or girlfriends, or anyone who temps you to stray.
tbesq
December 30,2008 at 02:33 pmI will be as honest as I can on this topic. Many of my close friends are females. I find many of them to be attractive, I would be open to dating most of them, but I think the emotional pangs of a relationship might ruin the friendship. My closest female friend is a woman I initially dated for a little over a year while in school. We broke up but agreed to remain civil to each other becauase we ran in the same circles and were in many classes together. But over the years a deep friendship has developed. I could not see myself entering into another relationship with her because the compatibility necessary for a passionate relationship is not there.
I think it's best to just let life sort these things out. When I was in undergrad, I was good friends with a woman for almost a year before we decided to date. It ultimately did not work out, but to this day I think had more compatibility with her than with any woman, including my ex-wife.Maintaining the friendship is what is most important.
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