Let's Talk: Breaking Down Barriers and Developing Better Communication
Since communication is really just a matter of talking and listening, it should be simple and straightforward. Yes, it should be. But, of course, genuine communication involves two people with tender feelings and strong opinions. The process becomes complicated when a person’s emotions are on the line. Many of us are liable to put up barriers due to insecurities, or avoid participating in a balanced conversation for one reason or another. It’s frustrating, right?
Let’s look at six common obstacles couples encounter in their quest for productive communication:
1. Too much talking and not enough listening.
Some people consider themselves skilled communicators because they can talk nonstop. But the ability to speak is only one part of the equation—and not the most important part. Communication requires talking and listening, and most people find it easier to do the first than the second. Great communicators are first and foremost great listeners.
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2. The need to “fix” every problem.
Rather than listening with empathy, many men and women try to remedy every wrong by offering lots of advice. When you reveal your feelings to a chronic problem-solver, his focus on fixing can undermine the real goal of gaining greater understanding. Sure, there’s a time for problem-solving and practical thinking. However, it might be beneficial to wait until your partner asks, “What do you think I should do about this?”
3. The dumping dilemma.
Some people view conversation as an opportunity to purge. They don’t know how much is too much, and they confuse gratuitous venting with genuine disclosure. We imagine you’ve been around folks like this, and after a while you start to feel trapped and tricked, for there’s no give-and-take. People like this want a sounding board not a soul mate.
4. The expectation to read minds.
“If you really understood me, I wouldn’t have to explain everything to you.” Every heard something like that? Although mind-reading earns big ratings on sensational TV shows, it has little to offer within the context of real relationships. Partners understand each other not by “picking up vibes,” but by dialoging in a clear and direct manner. If you want to be known by your partner, it will happen because you share your thoughts and feelings.
5. Hogging the spotlight.
When it comes to conversation, some people are the equivalent of the scene-stealer in the school play. They keep elbowing others out of the way so they can steal the spotlight. Great communication starts with genuine interest. You have to sincerely want to know what’s going on inside your partner, and vice versa.
6. Keeping everything superficial.
Many people want to keep conversation light and surface-level. What these folks often struggle with is not the willingness to communicate their feelings, but the inability to access those feelings. They want to talk; they just don’t know what to talk about. That’s why we encourage everyone who wants to excel at communication to become aware of what’s going on inside.
If you want a soul connection with your partner, begin by breaking down barriers that hinder a deeper level of conversation.
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23 Comments View this thread in our community
AnthonyTh
November 18,2009 at 09:33 pmgood post....! kudos... i think this is the most fundamental of all relationship issues... It's all about Mutual Aid not competition if you want your relationship to survive
lifewatcher
November 15,2009 at 09:33 pmWow, most relationships that fail blame either money or irreconcilable differences. Well, then they say that if the other person would just have COMMUNICATED to them; suppose that maybe both people would just communicate to each other the relationship would work. We tend to forget that we are created with two ears & only one mouth. Hello, I like to listen to my partner talk about their fears & their goals & where they want me or them to be. We are so imperfect that it is a hard thing to do. If we will do what we learned in 1st grade we would be better people with better relationships. Say please & thankyou, ask questions 1st & then ask for permission. Let the girls go 1st & always say yes Sir & yes Ma'am. Always be polite & now that we know how to be HUMBLE we should be humble. Lets be servants to each other & we will be amazed at how much our lives change. (For the better)
Allie_gator
October 6,2009 at 04:14 pm/Nods in agreement
jayjay
October 5,2009 at 04:39 pmI think communication is necessary.... but certainly not sufficient to make a good relationship. Oftentimes I've read people on this forum advising others to 'just communicate' with someone they're dating, as if this will solve all problems. The fact is, there are many people who are selfish, untruthful, or just plain want their own way regardless of what you have to say. So many people get defensive as soon as any small type of conflict arises... that it becomes very difficult to work through the issue with communication.
I've even seen this type of thing enacted here on this forum. People who talk a good talk about being committed to communication and openness....but as soon as someone says something that doesn't agree with what they have to say they turn defensive and then proceed to attack the other person.
NeedHelp2009
October 5,2009 at 04:14 pmnodding here.
NeedHelp2009
October 5,2009 at 04:11 pmIf communication is that simple, there won't a science named "communication skills". ;)
Allie_gator
October 5,2009 at 07:09 amVery intelligently thought out.
It seems like a lot of people like to generalize. Men/Women....Not all Men and Not all Women are sensitive to open communication.
Honesty doesn't mean you need to be brutal either. And my philosophy is if you don't want an honest answer, then don't ask the question.
bizarrebliss
June 20,2009 at 12:21 pmWell put.
elsidesnita
May 19,2009 at 10:33 amsometimes we have to pay for an expensive honesty
CreolePrincess
May 15,2009 at 05:55 amMany times when men tell the truth, women verbally nail us. Men have learned many times it's better to be quiet than volunteer information.
Not to nail you, but everything must be delivered with style/class. Sometimes, women ask to be heard and not necessarily a reply. But the rule of thumb is for me, never to ask a question that I don't want answered.
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