When To Bring 'It' Up: Defining the Relationship

I'm sorry - I didn't realize this thread was so old. I thought it was a more recent topic!

Yeah, this issue has been discussed aplenty, but I do think it's an important conversation. These days, with online dating and even before that, the person you are seeing could absolutely be seeing others. If you want to just see each other, then yeah, bring up the subject - especially if you are sleeping together and such.

The question of when or how remains debatable - I think it depends on the couple. I do agree that it should just happen naturally. I also think people shouldn't be quick to judge others on this issue. I find that both sexes seem to think it screams insecurity, clinginess, or lack of confidence based on this or that. Or that only women or only men should bring it up.

If the relationship can't withstand a simple question like this, it's probably not going to work. I believe in knowing what your status is, if you need to know, you need to know - whenever that is - just don't make a huge deal or show of it. Assuming exclusivity seems risky these days.

It might seem like insecurity to some people - but I find that when someone is gung-ho for the other, they pretty much bring up the subject early on. Whether that works for the other person depends.

noseyparker: I would never mention it. If he has not broached the subect, it's because he's either not feeeling it, or not ready for something serious. He'll probably feel pressured and thing s will fall apart. If he does not seem inclined to 'get serious'. I would quietly start seeing other men. Simple.

:eek: ^

Gentlemen, NEVER EVER 'ask' a woman you are dating to be exclusive. Let her ask you .

In my experience there was never a planned relationship defining moment. For me that would have created far too much tension, possibly stumbling over my words, and making a hash of the situation.
It always seemed to happen naturally. Having a great time, enjoying each others company. One of us might then say "I think I'm falling for you," the other would then blurt out "me too" We would then take it from there. A perfectly natural moment, and virtually stress free.

A relationship develops, The first kiss, the first night together, shared finances, living together, marriage then children (or visa versa). I still remember telling my partner that I intended travelling overseas and if she came good, if not I was intending to stay for quite awhile and we should part if she did not want to join me. That was in 1981 and we travelled in 83/84, married in 85 had a boy in 86 and another in 89 (who had some serious physical challenges), moved to the island state in 91, retrenched in 94, moved to Hobart in 97/98 to gain extra qualifications, having the second borns needs increase as his health deteriorated, only being employed casually (even though at times more than full-time) and finally having the second born finally after a long illness in 08. We have been through so much (over half my life she has been the number one person in my life) that it is impossible to seperate and that is the key. Gradually develop the relationship and one day you will realise that there is no turning back. Share the good and the bad times, the happiness and the sadness, the joy and the tears, the pleasure and the pain. Holliwood is crap, take it slow but take it steady.

VB_Girl:

I had the talk not long ago and brought the subject up. Face it, everyone has a feeling on what the answers will be when the topic is broached and they are hoping the other party confirms it, but by avoiding the issue may result in confusing everyone.

Sooooo? What happened? How did it go?

VicBrett: Folks,
I often laugh at some of the eH advice columns and I’ll give a nod to WeDesignOurLives.
After three months of dating someone... we’d likely have 8-10 dates and maybe a hundred hours of phone and email time. We know each other’s work schedules, what activities we do, how often we weren’t available for dates, etc. From their availability, the obvious commitment they are putting into dating you, and/or how well it is going, I think one should have some idea if the other person wasn’t already exclusive or at least not seriously pursuing others.
However, as a practical matter of having “the talk”... I don’t think it is even necessary. It would appear there are obvious ways to both demonstrate your willingness for exclusivity and to ‘ask’ your partner if this is the case. For example, have her over for dinner and extend the offer to include her parents; ask if she would like to take a three month long cooking class together; ask if you can stop by her office with some flowers and take her to lunch; tell her that some of your friends have tickets to a concert and ask if she would like to come; ask if you can join her and her friends in their annual charity run; etc. Meeting friends, family, coworkers, etc. or committing to longer term activities should be enough to demonstrate exclusivity on both sides. Someone would have to be pretty low to sit down to dinner with their parents knowing they are dating others.
However, if you somehow feel the need to be explicit about it... close your eH account down, print off the confirmation screen, and leave it on the kitchen table with a rose when you invite her over to make cookies.

''However, if you somehow feel the need to be explicit about it... close your eH account down, print off the confirmation screen, and leave it on the kitchen table with a rose when you invite her over to make cookies.''
I LOVE THAT!!!!!

Normally WeDesign drives me batty but for darn sure the guy is spot on. I think that was the silliest of things to say that the man needs to bring it up. Really? I have been dating my boyfriend for five months and around three months I just casually had a conversation about how I felt about our time together and how I had independently made the decision months ago to not persue any other matches. At the time I was sure that he was also feeling the same way and I didn't feel like this conversation was going to make him feel any differently about me than he had before we just talked. And yes, if you have to have the conversation to actually know whether he's into you enough to be exclusive than you don't have much at the moment.

Girls, get out of the mentality of making the guy do all the work. Guys by nature aren't overly emotional creatures. Give them a break and bring the conversation up. The one time I would explicitly expect a man to put himself out there in terms of defining the relationship is at a marriage proposal. By God he better open that little box and ask me to be his wife and the mother of his future children. ;)

VicBrett: However, if you somehow feel the need to be explicit about it... close your eH account down, print off the confirmation screen, and leave it on the kitchen table with a rose when you invite her over to make cookies.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

(And there was another thread about this....'he says he's ready to be committed but hasn't shut down his eH account so I haven't either. It's stalemate what should I do?')

The need to have the talk is strong evidence you don't need to have the talk (because it shouldn't have gone that far).

And I feel the same about marriage as well. You don't get married to 'weld a bond' ... you get married to create a family. Two people who are really committed don't look to legal solutions to maintain that love any more than you would want a contract with your best friend to stay your best friend.

sophia1965:

Yes. I think you are being naive. There is such a thing as 'friends with benefits'. Some men are quite happy with that. The woman won't probably discover this until time has passed.

Ok, I just said "it seems to me that a 'realtionship' that lasts 2+ months is either just about sex..."

...and you corrected me by saying 'friends with benefits' which would seem to be only about sex which is exactly what I said.