Courage to Know When a Relationship is Not Right For You

I feel like you reached into my head to write this article. I feel a lot like what you described in the beginning... but it's difficult. You can't really look to society or people in general for advice, even if they seem happily married, because half of all marriages end in divorce. Usually I look to my grandparents, because I figure the older generation, if they're still content, must know something about succeeding at life. But the fact is, they grew up in a different world than we live in now, so finding the right relationship is different than it was then. Add on top of that, that I'm gay, so me and my boyfriend have almost no role models to look to as far as how to successfully navigate a gay relationship... finding that white picket fence, 2.5 kids situation sure is harder than it sounds.

I just got out of one. The break up was messy. He didn't think anything was wrong. We had different relationship dynamics. He wanted to be with someone for the sake of it. I wanted to be with someone because they wanted me. So when I tryed to tell him how I felt he turned it around, and made me feel like I was just a crazy person, and my feelings were irrational. No one should feel that way. So I left. I also left because I got tired of always being the one going out of my way for him, but he would never give back. He even admitted that he believes relationships arent 50/50 that one person gives more. That giving more was me. and When we broke up he just was like I dont know what to u want. And I told him. He just didnt want to do it. We were only together for 6 months. We also never had sex because he never was in the mood. He also was an alcoholic, and addicted to weed. I didnt want someone like that.

If you've managed to build a relationship with a man, then there will always be someone else willing to love you. There are too many other men in the world looking for someone lovable for that not to be the case. When people tell you it's better to be alone than in an unsatisfying relationship, they are right. You're going to have to believe that hard enough to walk away or you'll eventually lose the parts of you that made you lovable in the first place.

There is no good reason to stay with someone who tells you otherwise, because saying that is abusive in itself. Staying with an abuser is destructive.

If that feeling is coming from inside you then you need to ask yourself what you're really getting from him, because there is something besides the thought that he loves you. Maybe you need a provider, or children, or your family respects you more when you're in a relationship. Those things are not tied to him unless you love him back. You can find someone else to help you get them.

findtheone:

I still do not want to be in the relationship but I am terrified that nobody else would ever want me. I do not want to end up alone. I am so scared that he is the only man who will ever love me and my only chance.

stop this. you act like.. you SOUND like you actually *believe* his abusive statements that were made with the intention of controlling you. dump this baggage now. you can do it.

suzyque: I am afraid at times that he is the best I will ever get and no one will love me like he does. I know that sounds horribly insecure but does anyone else ever feel that way? I guess this is where the courage kicks in. Courage to take a leap into the unknown. I'm still praying for the answers.

Yes that is insecure.
Yes people do feel that way.
I feel that way.

I have been in a relationship for 2yrs 7mo. I have been wanting to end it now for 8 months. I felt bad at first because I did not tell him what was bothering me so how could he fix it? I felt it was unfair. So I told him. Fast forward 8 months I haven't seen as much of his temper as I once did. However, nothing else changed. He still feels that if I wrong him, I should be wronged in return. I never did anything horrible. I get in my word 'punished' for accidentally talking over him or pointing out the obvious. I got walked out on, given the silent treatment, yelled and cursed at. He even told me, how else would I know not to do it again.

Long story short. I finally did end it one night. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt so good some days; empowered. I felt happy for the first time in a long time. Then there were days I could not get out of bed or that I would just cry. It was not that I missed him but that I was lonely. I was in a relationship that was emotionally abusive and I was made to feel that nobody else would ever put up with me. He always said things like "no other guy would put up with...." or "most guys aren't willing to work it out." Unfortunately we still talked and texted. I knew I did not want to be in a relationship with him anymore yet I agreed to work on it. I do not want to string him along and he asked me not to, but then he will send me a text asking for me to give it once last chance.

I still do not want to be in the relationship but I am terrified that nobody else would ever want me. I do not want to end up alone. I am so scared that he is the only man who will ever love me and my only chance. If I end it and I end up alone, I will regret it. If I stay I might regret the chance I had to get out. I am a coward. I honestly do not want to hurt him despite it all but I also do not want to hurt and be sad for the rest of my life.

So you are not alone by any means. There are many of us out there. I feel trapped. I wish the emotional and logical sides of my brain would agree for once. My heart says to go but my head is telling me I am going to end up alone. I do not know what to do.

I'm going through this right now. Wondering if my boyfriend is the one I want to marry eventually. It's so hard to know because sometimes things feel great and othertimes it just feels like so much work. Part of the problem is we are just both so busy and live 45 min apart.

I am afraid at times that he is the best I will ever get and no one will love me like he does. I know that sounds horribly insecure but does anyone else ever feel that way? I guess this is where the courage kicks in. Courage to take a leap into the unknown. I'm still praying for the answers.

I loved this article. Once I finally grew up and realized that those "gut feelings", those instincts that tell me that something is not quite right were real and I felt them for a reason - I started to listen to them. As hard as it may be, even when you really love the person and think that they're great, you have to listen to your instincts. They are there to protect you. Somtime we listen but don't act accordingly - that's the other side of it. It really does take courage to step back or even step completely away. I admire people who can do that-it's tough and it never gets easire.

Tune into your feelings often.
Develop a deep awareness of and appreciation of your own feedback mechanism to guide you through any situation and relationship.

SO true.

I had been in a very refreshing relationship for a year. We just celebrated our anniversary of our first date. The next day she told me to leave. I moved in with her 3 months into the relationship (I was looking for a place to live and she was wanting a room mate), It was too fast and we respected that when we made that decision. We are both in our 50's and experienced with these things.

I lost my job in December and was unemployed until recently. I had that inner voice initially nudging then screaming in my ear to pull out back in March but I felt compelled that I could "heal" it. My lack of action was fear based and I turned into being a pleaser. I went back to school and continued the hunt for a job. I did housework, grocery shopped and cooked. We were friendly and respectful toward each other, but the fire was gone. We turned into roommates and there hadn't been any intimacy since April. We talked about it many times and I asked if she wanted me to leave and the answer was, that we would work on it.

She told me Tuesday to leave. She wanted space (her mother moved in for an extended vacation a month ago...small apartment) to think about what love means to her. We've only spoke twice since then and it was about arranging for me to retrieve my belongings. The conversation is light and friendly. I know deep to my core that it is over, and if a friendship remains somewhere after all this, well that is not a bad thing. She is someone I really truly loved for a period in my life. She taught me about accepting that life needn't be black and white that grey is okay too. She showed me about living outside my comfort zone and creating myself. She is an amazing woman and was instrumental in my life during a difficult time. Like the saying..."People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime". For us, it was a reason. My father passed away in April and she journeyed with me to the funeral. Having lost her father some years ago, she was helpful with the emotions I was experiencing.

I'm looking forward for when the time may come to welcome this friend back into my life, but for now, I need to re-discover who I am and evaluate the relationship. I had some shortcomings and let this person down. It does take two to dance but I own my faults.