What Deserves a Second Chance?
Research shows that the act of forgiving can actually be good for us. “If we can forgive, evidence suggests that this can lead to better mental and physical outcomes, like decreased depression and stress,” says eHarmony scientist Erina Lee. But forgiveness should only be granted in a marriage if it has been earned and establishing whether this is the case can be hard. Here are some guidelines to help you decide where to draw the line.
A second chance may be justified when:
You have reason to continue to trust them. If you have serious doubts about your relationship’s credibility and your partner’s sincerity, then it’s probably time to move on. But if they have previously shown a commitment to you and your relationship time and again, then you may be able to forgive a momentary lapse.
Change is likely. You must be able to genuinely believe that they can change. Do you think they will gain insight from this painful experience and work hard to renew your trust?
Their mistake can be justifiably explained. Be wary of the typical “It wasn’t my fault” excuse. But do analyse the cause of their actions carefully and try to put yourself in their place. Intense pressures, for example, can lead to uncharacteristic behaviour. “Chronic stress may lower people’s ability to communicate well and cause problems in a relationship,” says Erina. Sometimes there really are extenuating circumstances. So consider this possibility.
Your relationship is too rewarding not to work through the problem. All marriages and relationships have their share of problems. You have to decide whether the good outweighs the bad. Remember, you should never stay in a relationship if you’re being repeatedly mistreated.
A second chance is NOT justified when:
You don’t think they will change. Be honest with yourself and don’t be swayed by fear of being alone. If you can’t see that they will mend their ways, move on and be firm in your decision.
This incident isn’t a one-off. “Forgiving is about understanding the people in our lives and not condoning, but letting go of hurtful incidents,” says Erina Lee. But to forgive a repeated incident, however, does sway towards condoning. Remember, second chances are an entirely different matter to third and fourth chances. Don’t allow a pattern to emerge.
Friends and family tell you to walk away. Any decision should be your own but if the people that know you best tell you to get on with your life without this person, then they are probably saying so for good reason. Analyse this carefully.
When the person can’t help them self and won’t get help from others. One of the most agonising predicaments is coming to terms with the fact that the person you love is suffering from an addiction. If your partner is attempting to deal with this positively and seek help, then you may be able to stick by them and offer support. But if they refuse to accept their problem and change it, then it is probably safest for you to walk away. In doing so, you may even force that person to confront their addiction and the hurt they are causing others.
The overriding principle is to take care of yourself. It could be that that means forgiving and working hard to salvage a marriage or relationship. But it may also mean confronting the fact that a relationship must come to end. Making that decision won’t be easy, but your future will be full of all sorts of exciting new possibilities.
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vewis41
August 14,2009 at 03:45 pmI was married for almost 25 years and he cheated on me I got out of there so fast your head would spend. Maybe it was because I thought more of myself ( I don't really believe that but I tell myself that) a friend of mine went through the same thing only he walked in on them I'm glad that wasn't me. Now for you no don't go back, there are no guarantees in life I know so what happens if he is tempted again. It is your decision but ask yourself one question, can I trust him? With what you are already going thru I don't think you can. Good Luck I hope everything works out for you and you find Mr Right.
Girl_in_the_Green_Scarf
August 13,2009 at 09:58 amIts simple when you put it in terms of percentages. He had 80% with you. He had love, laughter, stability, etc. but that wasn't enought for him. He wanted 100%, he wanted it all and since no one is perfect, he went looking for the remaining 20% and found it in your co-worker. Now this is nothing to say bad about you, he's just greedy. So now he realizes what he has, and that's next to nothing, 0%, and wants the 80% back. In terms of not indulging greed or stupidity, do not give this man a second chance.
1) It will not be the same, you know that; 2) because you will always associate him with cheating, even if you put demands on him, you will always be wondering. That'll drive you both nuts, and it will end anyways.
Do what other are suggesting...go out with friends and fill your time with things that you enjoy (that maybe you had to "give up" when you were with him). Trust me, been there done that. Don't repeat my mistake.:cool:
Angelwing
August 13,2009 at 07:26 amI personally would not put up with that. I have given second chances with cheating before because I truly did love the man that cheated BUT it has been my experience that if they do it once....the WILL do it again. I had to come to the place where I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I deserved better than that. For me and where I am at in my own life and journey, there are a few things that are deal breakers for me..... cheating is a deal breaker and not something that I will even discuss. If I am in a relationship and my partner is unfaithful, I am done....period...no disussion...no excuses.....just done. No one can tell you how to handle the situation in your own life. I would take a good look at how you feel about what has transpired and ask yourself if this is something that you can deal with. Knowing that it WILL likely happen again, move forward in whatever way you feel is right for you but know that the chances of it happening again are pretty high. ....hope this helps.;)
--AngelWing
ashleys1
August 9,2009 at 10:02 pmPossibly being late for a date or forgetting if an emergency arrives, no one can help that.
Probably lots of things are forgiven but much less is not forgiven. The no excuse things, one should just say, I can't make it or never will, or be gentle, saying, I'm sorry but this just isn't right for me. Ok, that happens.
lifelover
August 8,2009 at 03:09 pmHere is my 2 cents worth...there are many things in life which I may see as deserving a second chance ~ I thought that cheating would be one thing I would never consider a second chance, however I "gave" my ex a second chance after the discovery of her cheating-she agreed that she wanted the marriage to work and grow old together, so into counseling we went since we both wanted the relationship to work...or so I was led to believe.
It is my humble belief that we all take part in the dance of any relationship, any communication or interaction with another person and hence due to this belief there is mutual responsibility to outcomes of any interactions. All of this being said, I have to disagree with what has been said that a person cheats within a relationship due to unhappiness and behavioral therapy or cognitive restructuring will "fix" the issue or the person who cheats within a committed relationship.
The reasons a person decides, and it is a conscious decision, to cheat (either sexually or emotionally) within a committed relationship is grossly multifaceted. Therefore, it may benefit you to look at all the known issues, as well as, part of the dance you participated-however, don't blame yourself for the actions of another, if you do so, it will allow the person who cheated to use you as an excuse and not accept their own responsibility in making their decision. Ultimately it is a personal decision to provide a second chance, but only do so after looking within yourself to assess the level and impact to you that the cheating or other actions had upon your life, it the actions violated a deep and treasured value you hold.
I agree with saltndlight's response-there is no excuse to being unfaithful-however, being human means that mistakes will take place and only you can decide based on your values and beliefs if a second chance is warranted. I provided my ex with a second chance-obviously, she is my ex so it ultimately did not work (she cheated again) and as I found out lied during our therapy. It would have been less painful for me to have ended it earlier, however, I was in love- the bottom line from my point of view, you have to do what you believe is best for you and what ever decision you make, be okay with whatever the outcome may be.
nelsonmay
August 7,2009 at 10:37 pmYou Know,
You may have forgiven, but you can't forget. Sometimes that is a good trait to have. Trust your gut on this one, you body or brain, whatever you want to call your gut sometimes knows the situation in an unconscious level better than you do.
csearider
August 7,2009 at 10:08 amThe worst thing about a second chance is, well not taking it. If you can't live without him work through it, many people have, more will and then some won't bother. Find your bottom line, how does he feel about her? how does he feel about you? is the key
saltndlight
August 7,2009 at 03:45 amMy beliefs are these: there is no possible excuse to be unfaithful to your mate.If you are in a relationship you must respect your companion, and either you end the relationship or simply don't cheat.Relationships are not always Up,sometimes it gets Down,but that is part of the deal i guess...seems like human being is always looking for better and most of the times ends up in a worst situation and much more unhappy.
I say heal your past, bury your past, move on and you can always find Love in better circumstances with no re greats or fears!!God bless you.:p:);)
Andrewthecarrotman
August 3,2009 at 08:36 pmTo answer the OP's question NO!!! Dump him, get rid of him, point a shotgun at him and chase him off. No means no, and a cheater is saying no to you by cheating on you. No second chances, not on this. There is no way to truly recover from it
As to later posts concerning psychology. Why are you making or accepting excuses? How about a deep meaning or reason of "I can get away with it"?? When you excuse it they are getting away with it. Dissatisfaction is an excuse, but if the relationship is not healthy enough to where either partner can come to the other about major concerns, why are they in a relationship?? Yes, there are people who think the world is there to service them. Yes, there are people who go for it just "because it's there." I am sure that there are people who are dissatified and cheat for a number of motivations because of it. Cheating is a choice. Just because you are dissatisfied with the way things are going doesn't give you a right to cheat and get away with it. It is far easier to just break up in most cirucmstances, or talk through it.
Yes people can change, but generally they don't want to, so they don't
Andrewthecarrotman
August 3,2009 at 08:22 pmCheck your closed message. If his profile is no longer available it will route you to a page that says so.
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