Should You Date a Former Cheater?
Whether or not you should date a former cheater is a complicated question that depends on lots of factors: how long ago the person cheated, what the circumstances were, exactly how you define cheating, and so on. It’s true that infidelity is common in almost every culture, whether a person has a history of cheating or not. But the short answer to the question at hand is a simple one: If you’re considering dating a person who cheated on someone in the past, then you should be careful.
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Of course, there’s no guarantee that someone who’s never cheated will remain faithful. But keep in mind that it may be more likely for a person who has cheated before to cheat again. That’s not an ironclad rule, but it holds up often enough. And regardless of what the circumstances were in the person’s earlier relationship, you will always know that the deception took place. That knowledge may be tough to keep out of your mind…and out of your relationship.
If, however, you decide to consider dating someone who has a history of cheating, then at the very least make sure that you ask these important questions.
Does the Person accept Responsibility for his or her Actions?
This is a great place to start. If the person you are interested in has made mistakes in past relationships and admits to them, and also acknowledges that these poor choices hurt the people he or she cared about, then that is a good beginning. Assuming that you believe that this person is sincere, this acceptance of responsibility demonstrates a certain amount of self-awareness and is also evidence of a working ethical system.
If, on the other hand, the person makes excuses for his or her actions, blaming others and denying any fault in what took place, then that is a major red flag. Sometimes there may—and we stress the word “may”—be extenuating circumstances when it comes to infidelity. But even in those cases, the person who cheated still made a decision not to remain loyal to the person with whom he or she was involved. And that fact needs to be acknowledged and addressed in a meaningful way.
Has the Person Learned and Grown from the Experience?
This question focuses not only on accepting responsibility but also on overall maturation. In order to trust this new person in your life and enter into a romantic relationship with him or her, you need to feel confident that this person has taken steps toward relational maturity. Accepting responsibility for what happened before is certainly part of this. But in addition, the person also needs to be able to explain to you how he or she will be different in your relationship, and what changes he or she has made to be loyal and remain true as you two build something new together.
Has the Person Experienced some sort of Transformation?
Once again, we want to urge you to be cautious as you consider dating a former cheater. But keep in mind that transformative experiences do occur in people’s lives. These often allow them to become whole new people who interact with the world and treat other people in completely different ways.
Have you become convinced that this person has experienced some sort of genuine transformation—perhaps as a result of a spiritual awakening, a significant life event, or some sort of therapy? If so, then you might be more open to the possibility of a relationship. Again, you need to see convincing evidence that the person is sincere when he or she tells you about this transformation, but assuming that you do see that evidence, you might decide to lower your guard a bit and ultimately trust that person.
Are you the Kind of Person who is going to Worry About Being Cheated On?
The earlier questions focused on the other person. But what about you? Are you the type of person who can just forget about a past scenario, putting all current doubts out of your mind? Or will you always wonder whether your new partner is being true? That kind of insecurity can eat away at the foundation of a relationship, creating obstacles to genuine intimacy between you. If you are worried every time the other person is a few minutes late, or if you find yourself wanting to check his or her cell phone numbers or read his or her emails, then this might not be the best relationship for you at this point.
What do your Instincts Say?
When you listen to the voice inside you, do you feel that this new person is trustworthy? Do you sense that even though there have been past indiscretions, the person is true and reliable? Or does something within you say that you would be making a big mistake by trusting this person? This is one of the most important signs to pay attention to as you make your decision.
If you answer the questions above and find yourself believing that this former cheater will be honest and honorable in a relationship with you, then you may decide to give it a shot. But if you think over all that you know about the person, and little (or big) doubts continue to nag at you, then trust your instincts and move on.
Regardless of which direction you go, make sure that you take care of yourself. Guard your heart, and find someone to love who will love you back and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
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217 Comments View this thread in our community
cats1
March 16,2010 at 09:20 pmI would not date someone who cheated in a marriage. If they cheated while in a relationship but were not married then there is a slim chance I might consider it on a case by case basis. I would rather be single for the rest of my life (and have test tube babies) than be in a relationship with someone where I think he might do to me as he did to others- I am sure I am not that much more special than the other women that he would "change for me".
matured
March 13,2010 at 09:00 pmwould I date a former cheater If I was looking for a mate and expect dedication and loyalty from them? Yes.
1-I'm old enough to have changed my opinion about a distant relative.
2-I admit it myself. After seeing the pain I caused her I dedicated the rest of my life to serve her above me. I can never forgive myself. She forgave me and remained loyal too. I love her enough that If she was going to die, I'd be there even if I had to die too just to keep her company. I know she loves me more than that. I believe I've learned different responsibilities along the way helping others in need...I'll feel a hollow spot in my heart for the rest of my life for the hurt I caused my angel.
Nanette
December 1,2009 at 04:41 amIt would maybe depend on their answer to the question on why they cheated.
If they blame anything outside themselves, I wouldn't. If they blamed themselves and seemed baggage-y about it I wouldn't. You know, I think overall I would avoid someone that has cheated other than a casual friendship. The real problem is finding out if they have cheated. People generally aren't too open about something like that.
winn
December 1,2009 at 03:36 amI dated a former cheater a few times but realized pretty quickly that, as much as I would agree he deserved a second chance,if I were to marry him, I would be watching him like a hawk twenty-four/seven. After having been married to a man I could trust implicitly, there's no way I would live with distrust in a marriage. Way too tiring, if you ask me. Besides, i found that he didn't even trust himself. He couldn't even kiss me without looking over his shoulder, as if he was doing something wrong.
misswright
November 30,2009 at 09:56 pmshould you date a form cheater? now the key word is date nothing more. this to each own judgement but i say they deserve another try in some cases.
midnightcorridor
July 6,2009 at 04:27 pmI think the key word here is date. Yes, I would date a former cheater, but dating someone does not imply that I will remain committed to them if, during the course of my dating, I find out that the person is cheating again. This would give me some time to judge whether or not the person has truly changed.
6dle899
July 6,2009 at 04:03 pmThe same principle enunciated above applies to FEMALES also.
I am 100% sure you inadvertantly forgot that.
soawesome
July 6,2009 at 11:57 amMore power to ya sister! I agree wholeheartedly. I find it sad how many people are so ready to throw the baby out with the bath water! Pretty much of life is grey, but especially where divorce is concerned. I'm 43 and prefer to date men my age and older. Hello! Most of them are divorced - sometimes a couple of times over. Assumptions make an a$$ of you and me. People really need to chill out.....:eek:
Mokkesofie
July 6,2009 at 11:53 amWhen a man divorces his wife and marries his mistress, he leaves a vacancy.
vrcarrington
July 6,2009 at 11:38 amOnce when I was a teenager I shoplifted. Got caught. I've NEVER done it again. Once a shoplifter always a shoplifter? I don't think so. Would I steal food if my kids were starving and I had no money? Maybe. But I am not a thief. When I was a young adult I got drunk - many times. Did I get caught or in serious trouble? No. But I did get sick. Now I don't drink at all. Once a drunk, always a drunk? I don't think so.
Personal experience though, makes me frightened of those who see things so black and white (once a cheater, always a cheater). I dated a pathological, abusive man for a while. Note: We were never married. He accused me of cheating on a daily basis (my clothing was too revealing, I was too "nice" to the water). Cheater was the "printable" name he called me (w*****, s***, etc. were more common). I never cheated! I found that those who go on and on about "cheaters" likely have a "control" issue and a deep-seated insecurity (signs of an abusive individual). Did he cheat? Don't know, don't care. I do know he had no problem openly degrading, ridiculing and hurting me. I won't be in a relationship like that. If I would have been married I STILL would have left (and cheating would have never been the issue except in his warped mind).
People do change, learn and grow.
However you're in charge of only one person. YOU. Be moral, honest and trustworthy. That's your choice - it's who you want to be. But so many people sound like they use fidelity as a form of imprisonment/control over someone else (particularly those who aren't even married). I hope I never end up with a holier than thou "once a cheater/divorcee always a cheater/divorcee" type - if someone doesn't treat you with respect and honesty that says it all - you're better off without them.
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