How long should I wait for chemistry?
Dear Dr. Warren,
I recently went out with an eHarmony match. He was a nice guy and we had a pleasant time. I'm sure lots of women would be pretty happy with him. He is tall enough for me. He has a good job, and objectively he is even handsome. We talked and laughed and he seems like a good, kind soul. I could go on and on listing his great traits, but I never felt a sense of chemistry. We had a simple kiss at the end of the night and I thought maybe that would jump-start the fireworks. No. It was a pleasant kiss that left me very confused.This man obviously likes me, and has called for a second date. I don't know what to do. During our first evening together, I didn't feel any chemistry with him, but will that come later? We're compatible. We laughed together. Should the fact that I don't feel a strong sexual pull toward him on the first date mean anything?
--Mandy - Tulsa, OK
Your wonderful letter has gotten right to the heart of a common problem. Many eHarmony members have expressed the same question about chemistry, and I have some strong ideas for you to consider. I'm a big proponent of physical chemistry in a relationship. I think couples who don't share strong chemistry may have additional problems during the ups and downs of a life together. After 35 years of counseling couples, it has become clear to me that a strong physical bond helps two people want to fight through the problems between them. It gives the relationship passion and drive in a way nothing else can.
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Often chemistry is instantaneous. A particular person may not act on it immediately, but he or she feels the attraction within. This is so common that people have come to believe that chemistry is either there or it isn't, and that you know within seconds. My professional experience tells me that this isn't always true. I have talked with many couples - many successful eHarmony couples - who had to nurture their chemistry a bit. In some cases I've been told, "He isn't my usual type, and it took a couple of dates before I really felt comfortable with him." These are couples who have been married five, six or seven years and enjoy strong chemistry now, but it didn't present itself at the first date. As you know, a first date can be a high-pressure situation. People may be nervous or act in an awkward manner. This can significantly alter the energy that flows between them. Sometimes one of you has travelled a significant distance in order to meet. This can also add to the sense of pressure and awkwardness.
Here's my best advice for you given this situation:
1. Promise yourself never to go forward with a relationship unless you share strong chemistry.
The passion is going to have to carry you forward for years and years. This means that you need to feel it AND your partner needs to feel it before you start to build an ongoing relationship. If you've been on several dates with someone and you don't feel that he or she shares a sense of physical chemistry with you, you need to address the issue.
2. Be prepared to give it some time - a short amount of time.
As I mentioned, for various reasons you may not feel passionately the first time you see each other. That's okay. But if by the second or third date you don't feel a strong inclination to kiss the other person, be near him, or hold his hand, you're probably never going to feel it. I've seen couples who didn't have immediate chemistry build it over time, but you don't want to go too far into a relationship on the hope that you can create chemistry where none currently exists.
3. Don't mistake "attractiveness" for chemistry.
As you point out in your letter, Mandy, chemistry is different from attractiveness. You're able to objectively determine that this man is handsome, yet you don't feel a strong physical pull toward him. This is one of the reasons that photos are often misleading when it comes to chemistry. The perfect person isn't perfect for you if you don't feel a deep sense of chemistry with him. The fact that you share great conversation and he has a good job, looks nice and is funny will likely not overcome the negative effects of low passion on your relationship through the years.
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101 Comments View this thread in our community
scarlet13
September 30,2010 at 04:12 amone of the pitfalls of online dating is that chemistry is not usually built through emails. you might think that there is something there, but until you meet in person, it's just words on a screen.
my suggestion would be to not email for weeks- and meet more quickly to avoid the "build up" that happens so often online.
starryeyed247
September 30,2010 at 03:53 am..
Uncarved_Block
June 7,2010 at 11:20 pmI'm leaning toward alchemy again. You know, the art (or myth) of turning lead into gold. Maybe it's just me. I know when it's chemistry. Reactions are visceral and palpable. I wanna kiss her. I wanna feel her kiss me back. You can probably measure temperature and pulse and stuff and record and document it. Makes me think yet again of Annie Lennox and 'Love is a stranger' (that's THREE times today!)
That's Chemistry. Like Baking (another good allegory or direct evidence of good or bad chemistry) you know when it comes out of the oven. It's what you wanted or it's another fallen souffle. If you need yet another example, see how the protagonist of "Breaking Bad" feels about his product, disgusting as it is. But he gets that you have to respect the chemistry.
Keep it real. Keep it new. The reaction will continue if it's right.
tad_70
June 7,2010 at 03:51 pmI would like to say that yes Dr. Warren is totally right. Chemistry is a definite most that will draw 2 people together and it can definitly connect 2 people who might not be a great match. As a guy I have been out with some eharmony matches that look great on paper and I have waited 3 dates for the chemistry to arrive and it never does. I did match with one woman and the chemistry & attractiveness was there and very strong, but unlike what Dr. Warren said, it still did not keep us together when we went through a rough patch. So, I agree with him and I disagree with him. Strong Chemistry will not keep your relationship together. It could help, but patience & understanding are what is key to making a relationship work in my opinion.
misswright
May 24,2010 at 07:02 amtoonice26
May 1,2010 at 10:47 amBingo bella! I am going through the same thing right now! Was in a great relationship and everything seemed to be going wonderfully. However things had gotten very comfortable, routine, and I guess rather boring. Next thing you know the relationship is ending because he doesn't feel that "feeling" anymore. Why don't they get that that "feeling" changes and adapts as your relationship grows and it isn't going to feel the exact same as it did when you were first dating? Why don't they get that you just need to sit down and discuss your relationship and decide to make an effort to make your relationship closer again? They just give up and run!
bella7251978
April 30,2010 at 12:26 pmwhat happens when you have a definite chemistry and attraction to someone but then after a couple of months things settle down and reality sets in - I think people sometimes confuse losing the chemistry when the reality is that sometimes it comes down to the comfort of being in a relationship - which for me is what I think is important in the long term.....there are things to do to bring the passion back in a relationship - why do guys just walk away so easily and get scared that something is wrong? How do you try to explain to someone that it's not the chemistry that was lost but rather we're working towards the next step in the relationship?
funmicky
January 8,2010 at 05:17 amI was married 50 years, widowed 5, while dating with my first date, I felt a strong chemistry, could this be real or just because I'm lonely and need someone? Can I trut these feelings?
mrflyer
January 5,2010 at 03:23 pmI had a match close me for "no chemistry" when we had not even gotten to step 1 of guided communication. How stupid is that?
TiffanyDiamond
December 31,2009 at 03:23 pmIn my opinion if there is no chemistry by the end of the 2nd date - or at the very latest the third date I would not keep seeing that person unless we agree to be friends. To me chemistry is where the passion starts. If you don't feel that then what do you have? JMHO.
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