How do I stop getting too attached to my matches too soon?
Dear Dr. Warren, I am trying to be very open to the eHarmony process. But am struggling with not taking things too seriously and getting too attached to matches too quickly. Can you help? Dr. Warren,
We had the most amazing first date, and then we went out twice more that week. I thought we were building something really special, but now I think he’s avoiding me. I just don’t understand.
We’ve only been on two dates, and I am head over heels, but I don’t think she feels the same.
— Melissa, OR
Does this sound at all familiar? Are you the type of person who meets someone and immediately feels a strong bond with the person? And are there times when you end up wishing you had held back emotionally rather than having immediately jumped into the relationship with both feet?
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But as you’ve probably already discovered, it’s also important to be smart about whom you offer yourself to and about how to pace yourself so that your attachment to others develops over time. Often, a person becomes too attached too quickly because he or she has ignored important truths about relationships. Instead, such people have bought into certain myths that leave them vulnerable to feeling much more emotionally attached much more quickly than is good for them or for a potential relationship.
Here are three myths that, if you believe them, can lead you to become too attached too soon. With each myth below, we’ve offered a corresponding truth regarding your love and relationships that’s important to keep in mind.
Myth #1: The ideal person exists, and I think I may be having dinner with the person right now. When we really think about it, we know that nobody’s perfect. But sometimes when we’re experiencing the excitement of a first date or a new relationship, we may idealize another person and forget this important truth. This happens for different reasons: people usually show only their best attributes, or they can more easily hide their less attractive qualities initially. However, once you get to know them—warts and all, as the saying goes—those traits will be more noticeable.
There’s not a lot you can do about the fact that new people in your life will always put their best foot forward. It’s pretty much the nature of the dating scene. But what you can do is to remind yourself that we’re all human and that we all offer a complex mix of the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Truth #1: There’s no such thing as the perfect person.
As you feel yourself falling under a new person’s spell, feel free to enjoy those good feelings. But remind yourself over and over again that it’s early in the relationship and that you’re seeing only the best about your date. This doesn’t mean that you shut yourself off from your date, but only that you should work hard to be smart and to remember that you’re not seeing the whole picture just yet.
Myth #2: This person will give me my “happily ever after.”
Often we become attached too quickly because we believe that we’ve found the person who will help us finally achieve our childhood fantasies about love and relationships. We assume that somehow, magically, the problems we’ve encountered in past relationships won’t crop up in this one. But just as there’s no perfect person out there, there’s also no one who’s going to magically make the fairy-tale dream come true. It just doesn’t work that way.
Truth #2: You two aren’t Cinderella and Prince Charming.
A happy and meaningful future is created by two real-life individuals working hard together to blend their lives and deal with the realities of life and love. There’s no magic castle you’ll move into to suddenly discover the happiness you’ve been missing. So instead of searching for a nonexistent Disney character, you should try to meet different people and get to know them well. Look for someone you’re compatible with, someone who’ll be willing to put in the difficult effort of joining two adult lives in a meaningful way. And it takes time; you won’t find all that out on a first date, no matter how enchanting.
Myth #3: There’s someone out there who can “complete me.”
“You complete me” is Tom Cruise’s key line in an extremely romantic moment in the film “Jerry Maguire.” But it perpetuates a destructive myth, which has to do with what you expect another person to be able to do for you: to make you whole and help make up for any deficiencies within yourself. Maybe you’re even aware that this new person in your life has certain flaws — but you still work from an expectation that the new person can rescue you, bring what’s missing into your life, and make you complete.
There’s no doubt about it: a meaningful relationship can bring new joy and enhance your life in countless ways. It can even bring out some of the best parts of yourself and make you a better person overall. But even the best person you date will merely enhance what’s already inside you, not completely fulfill you. When we feel that we aren’t enough by ourselves, we begin to believe that we don’t have it within ourselves to be really happy and experience true contentment. As a result, we look to others, ignoring their faults and expecting them to offer us wholeness and completion.
Truth #3: No single person can or will ever fulfill all my emotional needs, so I need to look to myself. The next time you notice yourself wanting to fully invest in one person right away, remind yourself of this important truth. Even while you enjoy getting to know this new person, continue to invest in other people and activities that fulfill you: friends, family, your career, service opportunities, exercise, social outings, etc. Doing so will reinforce the fact that there are many ways to find fulfillment and help you remember the truth that you’re not dependent on only one person to give you what you want and need. And as an added bonus, this independence will make you more attractive and intriguing and keep you from coming across as needy, since you’ll be spending your time doing interesting things and being with interesting people.
So remember: there’s nothing wrong with becoming attached to someone. In fact, your ability to open your heart and love another is a strength you should value and appreciate. Ultimately, it’s the foundation for a meaningful relationship. But don’t limit that openness and that love to just one person you’ve recently met. Instead, do all you can to enhance it and to slowly nurture it by investing yourself in other people and in activities and by letting love develop over time.
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58 Comments View this thread in our community
oksunbear
February 7,2010 at 08:55 pmThe article was good and presented many good points to remember. But my problem is another profile on another dating service indicated that I was like a collie puppy and seeking affection anywhere I could. I been happily married for thirty five years and lost my wife to an long term illness. I was told that my grief process started while my wife was still here but knew it was terminal. So now, I am anxious to start a new phase in my life with a new "soul mate" to share the rest of my life . I was told that this not uncommon in men. What do I do?
melman
November 23,2009 at 05:31 pmExactly. So just as in real life, you have to think about how your actions affect the electronic "attraction" between you and your match. Would asking the 1st Question "How have your relationships ended?" make your match more attracted to you? And would answering this question fully and unambiguously help or hurt? How long should you exchange emails before attraction starts to wane?
Just like in real life, it's very easy to screw up an eH relationship. Which is not even a real relationship at all.
knarf7575
November 23,2009 at 02:31 pmWanted to add my success story to some of the others. Met my wife on Eharmony. She was a first day match. First and only one I dated. I know this is HIGHLY unusual but that's what happened for me. Her journey on Eharmony took a couple years. We have been married for 8 months and I am still in "euphoria". No she is not perfect but I love her. Her "not perfect" has more to do with my perception than reality. We have different backgrounds, likes and dislikes but respect the right of the other to differ. In becoming one flesh, I want to celebrate the differences rather than to change her into something that she is not. The most important area of agreement is we want to keep God and our Lord Jesus Christ first and not put any thing or person (including our spouse ahead of Him). Best wishes to all in your relationship journey.
librarybabe
November 23,2009 at 09:49 amI think a lot of people start on eH trying to find a website that will be different that dating in real life. But in practice, online dating is just another version of the same old thing. It can't really do anything except bring together people who ordinarily may not have run into each other and eliminating some matches whose STATED values and personalities don't match with yours. Even if you get to the point of meeting your matches, the process is then the same as any other first date. Online dating doesn't eliminate people's hangups and their expectations and fantasies of dream-mates. If you read the book that goes with this site, you realize, basically they are matching you on a few things that are considered vital to the survival of a relationship and as such identify a large segment of the population that could work with you. So you are matched with people that would work well, based on their personality type and what they THINK are their priorities. It doesn't take into consideration that we don't always know what our priorities should be and it doesn't consider attraction at all. That is up to you to find.
melman
November 22,2009 at 04:54 pmIt is another dating website and the multiple matches encourage women to play the field. To men it is a disappointment. We're looking for more than the same, a website that will make a difference.
FLA123
November 22,2009 at 04:03 pmI have not found anybody on Eharmony to date as yet and probably will not. The people on this site that are matched up are not living in a close proximity. I don't believe their core values or what is important to them, as I found after communications that most of it is made up, or it changes day by day. Core values are supposed to be important to an individual and emanate from our childhood and parents, not subject to change everyday based on the guys whims. I'm not sure I trust this system. It is another dating website and the multiple matches encourage men to play the field. To women it is a disappointment. We're looking for more than the same, a website that will make a difference.
BillSut
November 22,2009 at 01:24 pmI have had 3 matches in the past three years that I've been attracted to. I'm very picky so when I find one I connect with I tend to move pretty fast. It is very difficult to control. All 3 of them bolted after a month. The thing that bothers me is that they were moving just as fast but when I reciprocated they ran. Why? Do women like to be in control of the pace of the relationship? How can I avoid this in the future?
heisall
October 14,2009 at 09:05 pmI have been seeing a match for a month. We have been on seven dates. We have a fantastic time when we are together. We share deep feeling. We are getting to know each other and we both like what we see and hear. I believe I am getting more attached to her than she is to me. We hold hands, kiss and hug and find it difficult to leave each other at the end of an evening. Last night she told me she was seeing two other guys as well as me. Now that I know this I am afraid to show my true feeling about her as I don't want to scare her off or demand too much of her time. Yet I want her to know how much I care about her. Should I back off and give her more space, stop texting so much,wait for her to call me. I don't want to blow it with her. I want to be fair to her as well as the other guys she is seeing. Please advise!!!
Sann
May 5,2008 at 04:26 pmI have been talking to a matchsince Dec'07 and we have been on 2 dates. He lives almost 3 hours away and does not seem to mind the drive of coming to see me. We connected and the attraction is there. We are already using terms like, sweetie, hun and sweetest. I was a little late to use this terms. it was not until I really felt in my heart that he could "really" be the one.
Iwould even dare to say that I feel like I am falling in love with him. Even thou we don't see each other often, we talk everyday, text, e-mail, phone etc. I think I made the error of letting him know what I was feeling and he told me that he loves mebut "not as strong as I do!" I don't really know what that mean. Either you love someone or you don't right? Help me! Do I back away and give him space to find out what he really feels for me? But when I hinted at backing up, he stated that I was giving up! And he just wants me to know that he is not where I am. But he says that he really cares about me. What should I do? Do I stick with it or do I back away trying to keep some feeling of dignity?
daniel8469
May 4,2008 at 03:48 pmI don't know if I agree with the whole blessing part, I myself connect very deeply with my dates and even when under control it's like trying to tame a beast, it has gotten me no where and fast, just hope that she has a good time and go off of what she is eminating.
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