Do Opposites Attract?
We’ve all heard it over and over again. “If you want to find a great relationship, look for an opposite.” Is that the best approach? How can someone who has a different set of values, attitudes and hobbies be so attractive? People who are dramatically different from us are often the most attractive. This comes from a common sense approach to social relationships. Our lives are usually enriched by connections to others who have abilities that we don’t have. Unfortunately, applying this lesson to our romantic pursuits is often a recipe for disaster.
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Forging a relationship with an opposite is so hard because every difference you have requires negotiation and adaptation. Accommodation and compromise will necessitate plenty of change. This change creates a kind of stress, and according to Dr. Warren, “If there are too many differences, you may not be able to survive all the strain involved in adapting to each other.”
What sort of differences cause the most trouble? When considering whether a particular person is a good relationship candidate for you look to four specific areas.
Energy Level – If she likes to go dancing three times a week and he loves to relax on the couch most nights…look out.
Personal Habits – This includes punctuality, cleanliness, weight management, and smoking.
Use of Money – When one person wants to save for the future and the other is eager to spend and enjoy life now; the conflict can be deadly to a relationship.
Verbal Skills and Interests – If one person is dying for more conversation and the other wants more peace and quiet, there is a lot of stress.
Having considered all these points there is one personality trait that can mitigate the danger of a relationship between opposites. Dr. Warren calls it flexibility. “This flexibility allows people to consider the differences, evaluate them, propose alternative solutions, and then resolve them. Of course, it is vital that two people be willing to compromise. When one partner bends and flexes every time, the relationship becomes unbalanced and ‘out of whack’.”
So next time you’re feeling that tug of attraction to someone you know is drastically different than you, take a second look. Professor J. Phillippe Rushton of The University of Western Ontario in his study on differences and marital happiness put it this way, “One of the most important principles to follow in choosing a mate revolves around a highly established reality: Stable and satisfying marriages usually involve two people who are very much alike.”
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EvanNassau
November 18,2010 at 12:44 amI have recently written an article about whether opposites attract, and if so, how does this relate to the fact that people also are attracted to those who are like themselves?
Do opposites attract -> http://www.evannassau.com/do-opposites-attract/
nvrstle
January 25,2010 at 05:55 pmI BELIEVE OPPOSITES DO NOT ATTRACT. FROM EXPERIENCE, IF U DO NOT HAVE SAME INTERESTS, HOBBIES, SAME VALUES, IT WILL NEVER EVER WORK NO MATTER HOW HARD U TRY.
mhobbs0203
January 20,2010 at 01:01 pmI really do believe that in some cases opposites do attract. Sometimes if both parties are too much alike, then that can head for disaster. I had a dating relationship with someone once for a year and this person is very much like me. We are both Christians and we share the same ideology and beliefs.
I left for the military and she stayed in our home state. So, we had a long distance factor too. I did go visit for a while at times. My partner was okay with that. But, something happened. Once, I was talking about my new adventures and experiences in the military and how I was growing after leaving the place where I always grew up, she seemed to really resent it. I think what happened was that we were two people from very similar backgrounds, beliefs, and the same ideology. One person decided to try something new with his life, then the other party is like,"Oh no! You shouldn't be doing this because it's not who we are." I'm not any relationship expert, but I just thought I share an experience.
I think there are many variables in a relationship that we cannot control. If a relationship doesn't work for whatever reason, it wasn't meant to be. Adam and Eve were differnt people with their own personalities and it was working until sin entered the world. That's a good example to opposites coming together. It's oversimplified to think that opposites don't attrct nor do they work together because we are all made uniquely.
dreamer1109
January 19,2010 at 06:12 pmThis helped me a lot. I was married to an opposite for 21 years and have been in several "opposite" relationships since my divorce. I truly believed you were suppose to be with an "opposite". Boy, do I have a lot to think about!!
mobymud
September 25,2009 at 05:24 amHere's a good analogy: two people walking across our great country.On a particular day, they are on the same road at the same time, and they meet. Perhaps there is an attraction, or some reason for them to start talking to each other: perhaps one stumbles and one catches? Regardless, they begin to talk and relate. What happened next?Perhaps one comes from NYC, and one comes from Baltimore, but they are on the same road going to California. They are excited that they are going to same place. They talk, enjoy the time together for a while. Then one begins to see that the man is talking slower, the woman faster. “Are you willing to walk faster?”“No, this is the way I walk, I will not change my pace. Can you walk slower?”“No, I want to get there sooner”So, they part.Another couple meet, also both from different places, also going to California. This time, they are at a very similar pace, and they both agree to change cadence a little to continue to walk together. When they get to California, one says,“I can’t wait till we get to San Francisco, I will show you so much and we will have a great time.” “Wait…I’m not going to San Fran, I’m going to Los Angeles, and I know we will have a great time there! “If they are willing to explore each others destinations, or agree on a common destination, then they have a match. Of not, they will again part.But the couple that meets and can negotiate a common cadence, and having had this experience before, right away discusses their destination and what they are willing to do at the destination; this is a winning combination. Even though they come from different places, perhaps had different gaits and maybe even different beliefs, it is the commitment to a common goal and destination that matters.
Opposites are traveling in different directions almost never get to talk to each other. If chance stops them both in the same place, and they perhaps they will spend a little time together in the middle, have a great time, and then resume their opposite courses.
Uncle Apple
September 24,2009 at 09:48 pmThey're supposed to,but it's not always true. It's mainly just an adage. It's my observation (maybe other people of observed it, too) that it seems to depend on just how much, or how they're opposite. And that some times, for opposites to be together 24/7 is difficult for the one whose opposite.
mobymud
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Actually, opposites no NOT attract. Likes attract, its cosmic law. When two people share the same basic beliefs, a connection is made. A key component is communication. When two people can share and exchange as if they have been friends since childhood, then that is a good sign. When two people can be awake at all hours of the night sharing childhood stories, dreams, and even hopes and aspirations, then you know you have a good foundation for a relationship.
Also, the couple has to be of a similar philosophical place. Do they feel the same way on the big issues, can they talk about inner desires and motivations, are they on tract with each other.
Finally, like in "Lord of the Rings" the one to rule them all, do they have the same goals and ambitions? If two people who have a good foundation have the same goal, or can get motivated by the same goals and are willing to commit to something that is bigger than either person as individuals, indeed, this is a winning combination.
Even the fastest most powerful car goes nowhere without the right fuel, and a relationship needs love, commitment, and open, safe and calm communication. With the commitment to something higher, it is easy to overcome everyday stumbling blocks, just like a cart with big wheels pulled can easily get over the smaller stones that can stall a push cart will smaller wheels. It's all leverage and the higher common purpose that allows the relationship to rise above the stumbling blocks.
Redwolf
September 24,2009 at 01:20 pmOpposites do attract, but that is not necessarily a good or a bad thing. My experience is that people who need something are usuall attracted to people who have something. Men in general are attracted to looks. We are hardwired for it. There are exceptions but it is the general rule. Women are generally attracted to money and or power of some sort. This is a "general " rule so don't get too offended.
Basically, men and women only get along as long as their needs are fulfilled. That is why the divorce rate is over 50%. As long as there is no marriage contract between couples, they tend to get along better. The problem is that there has to be too many compromises and that can cause friction. Better to date and enjoy the ride, if it gets too bumpy, try another road.
howa4x
September 24,2009 at 11:13 amThere is superficial and then there is substance. diet, reading material, music are all what I count as superficial. Substance is being able to connect on the 4 levels of core values---intellectual-- ability to develop a deep emotional bond and the ability to connect physically. If peopel can do this , the opposites are fine
tweet37
September 24,2009 at 10:54 amShe likes cats.
I like dogs.
She's short.
I'm tall
She grew up in the suburbs and now lives in the city.
I grew up in the country and live in the suburbs.
She has one sibling.
I have five.
She listens to NPR.
I listen to C & W and the oldies.
She eats Lean Cuisine, salads, fish and veggies.
I like steak, ribs, burgers and potatoes. And pizza.
She likes wine.
I like beer.
Are those enough? Yeah, I'd say opposites attract. But there's also so many similarities that keep us together.
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