The Today Show's Janice Lieberman Tells You What the Experts Know About Happy Marriages
How to Shop for a Husband: The Hard Facts!
When I began to write my book, "How to Shop for a Husband," I knew that although I wanted to make it a fun read, I also wanted to include solid information that would make it the dating-world equivalent of a consumer guidebook. As it turns out, the experts-scientists, sociologists, sexologists, divorce lawyers, long-married couples-actually know what it takes to get and stay happily married. The information, though, was either shrouded in academic jargon or had never been written down at all. So I decided to correct the problem. Here's a preview of what the experts know about love and marriage--facts you can use to shop for the spouse of your dreams.
The Science of Internet Dating: Social scientists are all over Internet dating-they love it! Why? Because Internet dating provides quantifiable data and scientists looooooove quantifiable data. And what have they found? They know this: like attracts-and stays with-like. You may have heard that opposites attract, but for long-term love, look for similarities. I call this the "Mirror-Image Rule." Literally dozens of scientific studies have proven and confirmed this: the more you have in common with a guy, the more attracted you will be to each other and the happier you will be in the long run. eHarmony knows this and uses it to help you find the one person out there with whom you are most compatible. It is scientifically proven, so shop for a guy who is like you in as many ways as possible-background, personality, interests. Remember, you won't find everything you are looking for, but the more common ground you two have, the happier you will be together.
The Real Truth About Men Who Stay Married: According to scientific studies, men who stay with their wives may share certain characteristics. First, men who believe they married a woman who is a little better looking than they are stay married longer. Interesting, huh? Perhaps these guys figure they lucked out and aren't going to let her go! Other studies show that divorce rates are much lower among college-educated men. So look for those degrees, ladies. And, finally, find a guy who is willing to wash the dishes and help out around the house. Studies show that marriages in which household tasks are shared last for the long haul.
Education and Eating: I decided to poll a group of my long-married relatives, friends, and acquaintances-I figured they are the real marriage experts. I asked them this: what should a girl look for in a husband? Almost to a person, they said that women should seek a spouse with a similar level of education and a similar approach to eating (i.e., vegan v. carnivore, foodie v. food-averse). Other interests-sports, the arts, television, politics-were negotiable, but education and eating, in the minds of these experts, are not.
Being Kind: I have to admit it. I had a brilliant idea. I thought: why not ask a divorce lawyer her view of why marriages break up? That way, I figured, I would get a better idea of how to avoid those problems . . . and how to avoid the men who come with those problems. Here's what I learned: the number one reason marriages end up in divorce court is lack of consideration. It's the little kindnesses that count. So find a guy who remembers the little things, like anniversaries and birthdays, and takes into consideration your feelings. And then be sure to reciprocate. If you are lucky enough to find someone who treasures you and is attuned to your feelings, make sure you return the favor!
Check out my book, How to Shop for a Husband, for even more expert advice on making the purchase of a lifetime.
Janice Lieberman has been the featured consumer reporter on NBC's Today Show for more than ten years and is a contributor to Reader's Digest. How to Shop for a Husband, by Janice Lieberman with Bonnie Teller, is available in bookstores nationwide. Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Borders, Powells, Borders, Books a Million, and Indiebound .
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9 Comments View this thread in our community
LOISJJ
June 25,2009 at 10:13 pmALL I CAN SAY IS, I MET MY HUSBAND(WHO PASSED AWAY ON 12-5-2006 FROM LUNG CANCER) ON A BLIND DATE ON FRIDAY 13, 1954,. WE WERE THE OPPOSITE ON EVERYTHING. MUSIC WAS A BIG DEAL. I LOVED 1950'S ROCK & ROLL, HE LIKED COUNTRY MUSIC AND HILLBILLY MUSIC. HE WAS AN INTROVERT AND I WAS NOT. HE LOVED FISHING, SO I TRIED TO FISH, BAD MISTAKE. NO UMBRELLA, NO MUSIC NO NOTHING, BOR-R-R-ING. THEN THE BOAT GOT STUCK IN THE MUD AND HE HAD TO PUSH THE BOAT WITH THE TROLLING MOTOR RUNNING. I WAS SO GLAD TO REACH THE BAIT CAMP. NEVER AGAIN. HE LIKED TO WORK OUTSIDE IN THE YARD, NOT ME. I RULED THE INSIDE AND HE OUTSIDE. AND I GUESS IT WORKED, WE WERE MARRIED 52 YEARS, WITH A LOT OF GIVE AND TAKE. SOMEHOW, THE FOLLOWING GENERATIONS HAVE LOST THE "GIVE AND TAKE" TO KEEP ALL TOGETHER, NO MATTER WHAT. WE HAD 1 DAUGHTER AND TWO SONS. (MY DAUGHTER IS SO MUCH LIKE HIM ITS SCARY.) I KNOW THIS IS A LONG STORY, BUT THE MAIN THING IS "WE LOVED EACH OTHER SO MUCH, WE PASSED THE HURDLES WITH FLYING COLORS. I PUT ON OUR HEADSTONE, THE BIBLE PASSAGE FROM 1 CORNITHIANS 13:13, "AND THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE".
passionatedreamer
June 1,2009 at 06:37 amGreat advice. Thanks Janice!
Widower
May 22,2009 at 04:48 amBefore my wife died, we were happily married. One thing I would add is having good in-laws. My in-laws treated me like a member of the family when my wife and I were first dating, and it made me very comfortable with her.
BOBBI14
May 21,2009 at 02:45 amI have not committed to internet totally. There are some love stories as well as horror stories. I have not read your book and I don't know if scientific data should play in to my relationship. i did read "How To Avoid Marrying A Jerk" and based on (2) filed marriages I know that a lot of what I read is true. I have been single since 1997 and I believe I am finally ready to begin looking. I have myself "in order" to make the right person an understanding, loving, compassionate soul mate.
Lucky22
May 20,2009 at 04:12 pmRegarding the part about similarity of eating being important, I complained to eHarmony last year that none of my "matches" were vegetarians, as I have been for 33 years, and they wrote me back a condescending reply that they found this is not an important area of compatibility. Well, to me it's crucial! How can you be in a relationship with someone who food choices are disgusting, cruel, and immoral to you? I'm a vegetarian for ethical reasons; it's a basic value to me and the core of my spirituality. Doesn't everyone need to share core values with their life partner? To the article author, thanks for validating what I already knew. To eHarmony, that's exactly why I'm no longer a member! Maybe rethink your policy. I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than with a meat-eater.
eH_Advice_Admin_Lori
May 20,2009 at 04:12 pmThanks folks for your comments. This week you can ask Janice your dating questions on this thread:
Pop on by and pose your question or problem to her for her expert insight! :)
neenahpickett
May 20,2009 at 03:50 pmWell I guess I've been going about it all wrong. I think from now on I'm going to date butt-ugly men. If a gorgeous guy finds me attractive, I will know that our marriage will most likely end in divorce, so I'll cut him off at he pass. Say, Janice, any idea what the source is for that scientific study?
Thanks.
Neenah"52 Weeks 2 Find Him"
Toby9
May 20,2009 at 07:05 amHmmm, anniversaries and birthdays are the little things?? If a guy can't remember that than you really have some self esteem issues to work on if you are with him. Little things like what your favorite food, flower, color?(little?), big meeting next week so he give you a "how'd it go" or god forbid do something thoughtful like give you a card.... Alas, it is the kindness that brings down most guys as it is misunderstood as not being a big enough challange. The guys I know remember everything if they care, they jsut can't act on it since most women don't find it very exciting to be fawned over. Maybe that changes once you get married...of course if you are posting a "how to stay married" on a dating site there may be more issues at work here....
DonnaLeeCarter
May 17,2009 at 09:27 pmRE: Breaking up advice...."do it face to face," was the advice you gave amoung others.
There is a *Warning: Be sure you are SAFE. forty years ago I tried to leave; I was choked, hit and in the Emergency room without the now x husband. He was out joy riding on his purple Norton Bike (motorcycle) fully believing I deserved that and more, for trying to leave....flash forward...now happily with the mate I have now.
Caution is always key. Make sure you the mental state of the person you are dating, marrying and dumping.
Donna Lee
Portland, Oregon
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