What We Can Learn From Toxic Women
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As any man knows that’s stepped into the dating pool more than a couple of times, not all relationships are healthy ones. It’s all too easy for to get wrapped up in the type of relationship that’s bad for you, and bad for your partner too.
These types of relationships are considered toxic, and though it’s not uncommon for both partners to be at fault, it’s also clear that in some cases an innocent man has simply been attracted to a toxic woman.
So what type of woman may be considered toxic? Perhaps it’s someone too self-absorbed and vain to consider another’s feelings. Possibly it’s someone who enjoys the victim role, or more simply has to control every situation. Maybe she’s a half-glass-empty kind of girl that refuses to let you rise above it, or she’s so suspicious and jealous and possessive that to be with her is to drown in her.
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A toxic woman can present herself in many forms, and although you’d think most men could simply walk away, it’s not always that easy. Sometimes it can take the toxicity rising to a certain level before a man can truly see and recognize what’s going on. By then they could be too involved to turn their back, or have even begun to get addicted to the drama. And what man at some point hasn’t stayed in a relationship because it’s the easiest thing to do? Maybe they’ll think the bad times will pass, or the good times will outweigh the bad, or worst of all – think that they can change their partner all together.
Whatever the reason, despite the fact that not all relationships are healthy ones, not all unhealthy relationships are bad for us. As these three men found out.
TRAPPED
When Luke met Tanya, he’d previously been in a very casual, ‘hands-off’ relationship. Tanya was far more intense, and wanted to absorb Luke into every corner of her life. To begin with this was appealing, made him feel wanted and it felt passionate. But soon, what he’d thought was her fascination and love for him began to feel like jealousy and mistrust.
Before long he felt trapped, felt judged, felt accused, and within a year he broke it off. How did this help him next time around? He understood far more clearly the boundaries of a relationship, when to be there, when to step back. He knew more clearly how to love without smothering, to be involved without controlling.
NEGATIVE
James’ girlfriend Petra had her own private black cloud over her head. At first, her negativity seemed interesting and cool to him, somewhat dark and mysterious. Within six months he was ready to jump off a bridge, so he ended it.
What the Petra experience did for him was focus his outlook, and hone his positivity. He spent so much time defending his more upbeat outlook, that he came to understand what drove him and what made him happy. He ultimately came to understand that we all make our own happiness; that it can be a choice.
SELFISH
David dated Katie for three long years. Katie was the type of woman who enjoyed being the center of attention, and whose ‘my way or the highway’ attitude dominated their relationship. David admits he stayed with her for far too long, but was clear why. She opened doors to exciting times, she could be fun and spontaneous and – when she wanted something – loving too.
But her self-absorption began to bleed him dry. She had little-to-no time for his feelings and barely considered his opinions. Eventually he pulled away, but he’d learned a valuable lesson. During the relationship, he’d begun to doubt that his contributions and his ideas had any worth. Once free of Katie, he came into his own in a way he’d never experienced before. He was so thrilled to have his voice heard in subsequent relationships, that it boosted his confidence to new heights. It was like he’d had to take one step back to take two steps forward, and he emerged a better and more self-assured man for it.
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gai
November 4,2010 at 11:42 pmhahaha
robv_la
January 5,2010 at 06:14 amI've had relationships with two toxic women in the past few years.
The first was very negative and would blow everything out of proportion. The second was very selfish and manipulative.
In both cases, stress seemed to cause each of them to show their true colors, because otherwise they appeared to be good women. They both forced a break of a few days in the relationship that ironically turned out to be very useful to me. Those breaks allowed me time to reassess each relationship and end it.
Maybe that's the key to identifying a toxic relationship, getting a few days out of contact to figure out if you are better off with her or better off without her.
bookhead
January 4,2010 at 06:19 pmI have been with a toxic woman for over eight years and although I left her over two years ago, I only filed for divorce recently as I kept trying, kept hoping, kept praying that things would work out. There is such a sad and distracted quality to the thoughts and feelings I have been experiencing for years and I suppose it is because she infected my mind with such a toxic point of view that I am still recovering and will be for some time. The more I tried to give, the more she castigated me for not doing enough. The harder I worked at making things right and honoring my vows, the more she inundated me with poisonous invectives and devious devices to make me doubt myself. I want so much to hate her for wasting my time like that, for taking everything I did and making me feel like I was nothing, and yet I love her still, and mores the shame of it, I probably always will. I feel about myself as those reading this probably feel, disgusted and contemptuous. How could I let this happen to me? I'm better than this and yet here I am!!!
militarydad
December 23,2009 at 06:36 pm10 years in a marriage, I now see a totaly selfish and controlling woman.One that could not remain commited and/or satisfied. A woman who dates a guy, marries him becomes unhappy, tells lies, makes up stuff, finds a boyfriend then divorces the husband then marries the boyfriend then starts this process all over again, what can be said about this type of woman? I'm going to a better place and will take it very slow!
Mickey275
December 14,2009 at 08:18 pmI also want to say that I agree 100% with Donquixote and mightyj. Lots of women -- particularly beautiful, self-described "successful" women -- come with an outrageous sense of entitlement. Some are almost sociopathic in their belief that they don't have to play by the same rules that the rest of us must abide by. They lie, manipulate, and jerk people around to get whatever they need with no concern about the negative, sometimes hurtful impact of their words and actions. Kudos to Mr. Quixote for ending it w/ his Toxic Lady. I bet she threw a fit, didn't she? ("Who does this guy think he is? Nobody talks to me like that?" ) There's only one thing to do when you've hooked up with an "entitled" woman: exit, stage left!!
Mickey275
December 14,2009 at 08:09 pmLots of "Katies" out there, unfortunately -- I know, I've dated a few! A narcissistic woman is the most toxic of all women. She will show brief "flashes" of empathy and kindness, leading you to believe she's in with both feet and you're a true team, but make no mistake, fellas: she's in it for herself, and what she can get out of your "relationship." What do you have that she can exploit? That's the first question she asks.
waltercl
July 24,2009 at 05:48 amLet me just say that I can completely identify with some of this. However....just as we tell women that they are responsible for not getting caught up in subsequent relationships with the same type of guys, the same things goes for us men.
It took me a couple of years after the divorce to fully realize what it was in me that was attracted to this kind of person to begin with. It then took some years to work on it. I'm so glad I did not get into any relationships during that time. I would have either chosen another toxic person, or I would have self-sabotaged a relationship with a healthy person. Of course if I were still in that co-dependent mindset I would have come to these boards and bashed women as being the problem :)
cwhite1028
July 24,2009 at 05:36 amI have that Moth to Flame issue, howeverI am getting better at spotting it.
PS: Moon tans are so nice....
IcecreamMoon
July 23,2009 at 10:00 pmLunar Dictionary Definition of "Toxic" reads "Openly Concealed Lies". And this is a rare exception where even intent is irrelevant for lies can only lead to distruction of love and trust in the end. What else can be more "toxic"?
Enough seiousness though, let's Live La Vida Loca and have some Crazy Loving Fun!!! ;):):D
IcecreamMoon
July 16,2009 at 04:41 pm+1 000 000 000....
The only problem with the Canines is that they sometimes forget to follow that poweful sense of smell of theirs, and choose to follow completely ridiculous self-help nonsense, when they are actually in great need of Real Loving help from the Moon, full of Sweet and Soulful flavor of Ice Cream! :D And this kind of Ice Cream is Good for everyone because there are No Calories and No Toxicity of any kind hidden inside! :rolleyes:
PS. Is it just a coincidence that the Pathetique is currently resounding from my CD Player? :(
But I also committed the forgivable crime of justified cheating and know what's coming up next...;) And all I can say is WOOF! (yes, I'm desperately channeling the eternal optimism of my adopted and dearly beloved VeryLibra) ;):cool::)
And can I also scream to the powers that be WOOOTZ!!!! ;););) Can I make this any LOUDER or CLEARER?
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