What Signals are you Sending?
If you’re a living, breathing human being, you are constantly sending out subtle—and not-so-subtle—messages to everyone around you. Like Wi-Fi signals floating unseen through the air, you broadcast hundreds of messages every time you interact with someone. And if you’re dating, you can bet that the people you’re going out with are reading every signal you offer, analyzing each one in an effort to decipher its exact meaning.
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Let’s look at some of the main ways you send signals. This can help you can think about just what it is you’re communicating—intentionally or not—to other people.
You Send Signals with How you Dress
This is one of the most obvious ways to send a message to a person you’re going out with. If you dress to look sexy, you are communicating one thing. If you dress in a way that’s totally casual, you are saying something else. The same goes for whether you look sloppy, well-groomed, successful, or high maintenance. The clothes you wear and the way you wear them are great ways to tell a date a little about yourself, about how you are feeling about the date, and about what you have in mind for the evening.
How you dress can also say something about where you see the relationship headed. There’s nothing wrong with wearing sloppy and ragged clothes around the house, but if that’s what you wear every time you are with the other person, then that may convey that you’ve gotten a bit too comfortable with them. In the same way, there’s nothing wrong with wearing clothes that accentuate your sexiest attributes and send signals that you are really into someone. Just make sure that you’re not broadcasting messages that you don’t mean to. When you get dressed for the date, ask yourself, “Is the way I’m dressed sending the signals I mean to be sending?” If so, then go for it. But if not, you might decide to dress up or dress down a bit, depending on how you want to come across.
You Send Signals with the Invitations you Offer or Accept
Certain dating activities don’t really hold any specific significance at all. Dinner at Chili’s followed by a movie isn’t necessarily going to deliver any precise message regarding your expectations for the evening or the relationship. But other invitations have the potential to communicate plenty. Inviting someone inside for a drink at the end of the date signals that you’re at least open to the idea of the relationship becoming more physically intimate. Asking someone to go away for the weekend implies sex, and maybe even a new level of seriousness in the relationship. You may not always mean to convey that message (or to accept that implied invitation); and, of course, you should never feel obligated to go further than you’re comfortable with simply because of some implied, unspoken agreement. But you want to at least be aware of what messages you’re sending when you offer or accept certain invitations.
You can also transmit unintended signals by choosing date locations that seem to communicate a lack of interest in pleasing the other person. An out-of-the-way little hole-in-the-wall, for instance, can be a great date, especially if you’ve put some thought into choosing the dive. But if your date feels that you’re choosing only cheap restaurants or convenient fast-food joints in your neighborhood, they may begin to wonder how much you care about them and the developing dating relationship.
You Send Signals when you say Nothing at All
There’s an old country song that features the line, “You say it best when you say nothing at all.” It’s definitely true that some of our clearest communication takes place in what we call the nonverbal realm.
Just think of what’s being conveyed when you’re on a date—let’s say it’s a first date—and the person you’re with reaches across the table and lightly touches your hand during your conversation. Or when they move in close while you’re waiting for a taxi. Or when they deliver that “killer look” that lets you know that the date is going really well and that you two are connecting on a powerful level. On the other hand, if the person takes a step back or leans away each time you move a little closer, that communicates that things aren’t going as well (or that you need a breath mint!). Notice that all of this communication takes place without the use of any words at all.
The point is that your nonverbal signals transmit a wealth of information. The extent to which you clue in and make eye contact when the other person is talking lets them know whether you’re interested in them and what they have to say. By the same token, if you follow every one of your statements with a nervous laugh and a quick glance around the room, you’re going to send the signal that you’re insecure or uncomfortable with yourself. On the other hand, if you ask good questions, listen well, and share openly and honestly, then you’ll convey that you’re confident and comfortable with who you are.
The signals you send are like feelings. They aren’t inherently good or bad. But the more aware of them you are, the more you can control the way they affect your life and relationships. So pay attention to what signals you’re sending. Do your best to communicate exactly what you want to communicate so you can avoid having to deal with the messy results of sending a message you didn’t mean to deliver.
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21 Comments View this thread in our community
Blackdoll
July 30,2009 at 08:42 amI agree with FrankDrebin in most of his comments. Most people are just too scared to step out of the box. They don't want to date someone outside their race or stick to a weight requirement. I find that if you update your profile doesn't always work, because it depends on what the other person is looking for. I think that most people who are using online dating don't take it serious. Why would you show interest as a joke? I guess I'm the serious type person and don't like people who likes to play games. I would like to say to you, don't let those game players still you're joy. I know that there is someone out there waiting.
litrn
March 5,2009 at 10:42 pmnice guys do not finish last you sound like your self esteem needs a boost I have been on eharmony for about five days and I've had like twenty guys close the match the first day thay didnt even give me a shot but you need to relize that that just because you didnt meet a great person the first time keep tryin you can change alittle bit of your profile to make you alittle more appealing change your picture and keep trying the right girl just hasnt meet you yet and when she does you will be plesently suprised good luck.
tombutler
November 23,2008 at 07:55 pmI am a divorced middle-aged man that loves to sing and dance!! I do love women and would like your opinion on my singing and dancing.
The video is on yahoo, you tube, funny or die, and other similar channels...
Just type in Poker Donkey song and my video will come up! I am currently single and looking, I do have two awesome son's that do not live with me however I would like to have a little girl... Are you the one? Let me know,
Sincerely, Tom Butler
lada2
November 23,2008 at 12:01 pmthere I was on the top of the hill, smoky fire going, waving my blanket...till the rain came and i just thru a wet blanket over a smoldering desire.
upped the technology: 100K watt borderblaster type transmitter, but...I must be off the dial. I can't even decode the signal I am putting out.
The last time I really knew for sure...I was taking fertility pills,...and every man that stayed within arms length for any period of time seemed to respond. So, pheromones can draw a moth for miles. who wants moths?
sfox7859
November 22,2008 at 11:57 pmI am a caring,kind and beautiful black woman looking for a wonderful kind black man who will accept all of my signals and so much more.
noseyparker
September 8,2008 at 07:11 amI have a no nonsense image with men. I seem to emit an aura of truth and wholesomeness, primarily because of the absence of major baggage in my life. For some reason, this scares off many of them, as they don't think they can live up to my standards. This is good for me, as I do want a man who is honest, lives a clean and wholesome life and who had dealt with his demons.
If I exist, then I'm sure my male counterpart exists.
I continue to believe that the man shortage is not as bad as some would make it seem. The good men have retreated and are busy living their lives. We've got to wade through the chaff that appears to find the good ones.
mT_TechGrl
September 8,2008 at 04:12 amYes!
I am unique and get a whole mix of responses from people. I am not insecure about it and in being so, seems like something gets lost in translation because I am very honest. I may be too open or trulthful for many people to tolerate in a jaded world but it is who I am - Unique. There are lots of things to most people and even I can't spout all of them out. What I have learned is it does take someone special to understand/accept me and would not be and ordinary person either. Turns out - it's all true! Don't forget to be you.
LeeAllen
August 14,2008 at 06:51 pmI Hope this finds you well
I to am a nice guy and do understand your problem. They don't respond back because, only assuming but lack of respect. I have a rule, no matter who writes me whether I have interest or not I will always reply back. This goes for the girl that is completely opposite from what I'm looking for or even that random guy. I have had great conversations with the girls even though I've already told them that there is no interest. So I guess in turn you make an on-line buddy that could become more.
Example: Old house-mate she was sweet, smart, playful, and full of life but she was a bit over weight. For the first time in my life I was able to look past the physical. Need less to say I was shocked, I had a great friend, I was in a relationship with someone that I respected and some where some time she became beautiful.
I’m looking for my 10 but remember a 10 can easily become a 2 and 2 can become a 10. Try to find the best, don't settle, look for that feel good person not just looks, Attraction can happen if all the other right is for you.
Reply back to all
I’m not that quack Fil but hope this helps
gDate
August 14,2008 at 10:57 amHonestly I think you're way over thinking it. A profile and/or the stages are not a confession, not a background check,not anjob interview,not a guarantee. To me it's all just a guided process toMEET some people. Once you arrive at the end of the eH process, you've simply met, that's it. Personally I prefer go directly to meeting a guy in person after that. Invite mefor coffee, meet me for lunch, maybe a drink. I won't talk on the phone to a person I have never seen before, my mind imagines the worst, which is not fair and often inaccurate.
When you say tht you are "a good man", don't want to throw out "bullshit", etc, to me it comes of as sounding lazy and/or bitter. There are lots of "good men" - is that all you've got?! It'stoo deep,too fast. Things start off on a much less serious level. Plain oldattraction. I think that people who are interested infinding a mate usuallyput a lot of effort into it - get in shape, get new clothes,learn communication skills,researchfun places to go. The fact is, that is who you're competing with. If I meet a guy who wants to tell me a bitter sob story about how shallow everyone is, I run! Too serious, can't we start off with places you've traveled to ... while my mind muses, "hmm, nice shirt"!
metalsmike
August 14,2008 at 06:13 amI was hoping to get more information on what exactly is a sign and what it means, as I am completely unable to pick up on anything like that. I don't even get flirts. It's not uncommon that someone who I had spoken with and been friends with for a while will contact me after we've moved away from each other later on to tell me they had been flirting with me and were interested. This causes the usual DOH, Hand to face reaction. But seriously, I'd need to get beaten within an inch of my life with the obvious stick to get most of this stuff anyways.
And in response to the last couple posts here, I haven't even met anyone yet. I am a nice guy too, often called "too nice" which is not possible, but usually means you don't move forward fast enough or your fears that you might be pushing them too fast keep you from acting. I'm however not going to let it demotivate me. I have learned over the years to become very self sufficient and that I dont NEED anyone to be happy. However, I'm on here to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, only if they are the one, and not just the one who answers.
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