Top 5 Signs You are Dating the Right Guy
I called off my wedding 18 years ago this June. It was canceled quickly and quietly, long before any invitations were mailed, with no hysterical scene at the church and no frantic telephone calls to 300 guests. While last-minute drama might have made for a more entertaining story, canceling a caterer, a church and a reception hall five months before the big event was dramatic — and traumatic — enough for me.
In the aftermath of this very public and embarrassing breakup, I spent months — years even — figuring out why I almost married the wrong guy. I had to look in the mirror and admit what I had known deep down all along: He was wrong for me. I also had to admit that I didn’t have a clue about how to find the right guy or even who the right guy was for me. So how could I find him if I didn’t know what I wanted in the first place?
I was fortunate. I eventually figured it out and found the right guy; an old friend, who had been in my life long before my near-miss at the altar. Now, with three kids and almost 17 (happy!) years of marriage, I’m sharing my story. And after hearing hundreds of women tell me about their own misguided marriages and close-calls with Mr. Wrong, I realize this happens all the time.
Women remain “stuck” in relationships with the wrong guy for the wrong reasons. Why? Because if they don’t know what they want, they can’t tell the difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Wrong. Sure, we all joke about that “list” of must-have qualities: great looks, intelligence, sex appeal, etc. But do the qualities we seek add up to the right guy — and in turn, the right relationship?
Unfortunately, the answer is often no. So how do you recognize the right guy? The first step is to articulate what you want and need. That list is different for everyone. But the second list is universal. And that’s a clear understanding of the qualities of a healthy relationship. As we researched our book, my co-author Jennifer Gauvain and I talked to hundreds of women and we’ve observed five universal signs you’re dating the right guy:
1. You bring out the best in each other, not the worst. You encourage each other to grow personally, professionally and emotionally, recognizing that change is positive and healthy.
2. You trust each other and can count on one another to do the right thing. There’s no jealousy or second-guessing in the relationship.
3. You have fun together. Playfulness adds spice, and laughter is an aphrodisiac.
4. You share common core beliefs and values. Connecting on an emotional and spiritual level can be just as powerful as a physical connection.
5. You communicate with each other out of care and concern instead of judgment and criticism. Think about it this way: What’s your tone of voice like when you’re critical and judgmental? It’s hard to have a harsh tone when you speak out of care and concern.
Do you have these qualities in your current relationship? If not, it’s time to pay attention to your gut feelings. Deep down, you know whether or not he’s right — or wrong — for you.
Keep in mind that loneliness, lust and butterflies can cloud even the smartest woman’s judgment. But a solid understanding of what a healthy relationship with Mr. Right feels like will help you clear your head so that you’ll say “so long” to Mr. Wrong — and recognize the right guy when he comes along.
Anne Milford is the co-author of How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy: Is He the One or Should You Run? (Broadway Books, May 2010). Milford writes and speaks extensively on the subject of dating and relationships. Jennifer Gauvain is a marriage and family therapist with clients around the country. For more information visit their website at coldfeetpress.com.
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DJTorres
December 30,2010 at 04:30 pmthat was a good analysis Erika, when how you feel doesn't matter to the other person, then the relationship is heading to fail. I had a situation where I had excellent communication with my partner but when she found a good job, suddenly there was no more time for us, or it was given as a quick fix.
Please do believe in marriage, I think that out there is somebody for each of us,
ErikkaT
December 22,2010 at 08:24 amSometimes you just don't know someone until you have lived with them.
I was with my now Ex-husband for 3 1/2 years before I married him.
The problems didn't start until we were married for about 4 years, right after the birth of out son. The stress and pressure of him becoming a Father, and the responsibilities that go along with it were overwhelming for him, but he never communicated this with me. He ended up doing a 180 and treating me differently, and taking out all his rage, anger and frustration over every thing (little or big) on ME.
1. You bring out the best in each other, not the worst.... This made me sad. I supported him when he wanted to leave his job and open his own business. I put my desire to work part time and be with our son, to provide us with insurance so that he could follow his dream. When I became a stay at home Mom 4 years later, I wanted to explore becoming a photographer--a dream of mine. He said: "Theres no money in Photography!!! You should become a Nurse. Thats where the money is......."
4 You share common core beliefs and values. Connecting on an emotional and spiritual level can be just as powerful as a physical connection.
Well, the physical connection quickly dissappeared between us--for me, anyway. I suffered from PP depression after the birth of our first child, and he didn't support me emotionally at all. He showed no compassion or empathy for me whatsoever, and I was dying inside. I stopped coming to him with anything emotional, because he couldn't handle it. I found it impossible to connect physically, knowing that he didn't care about what I was going through.
5. You communicate with each other out of care and concern instead of judgment and criticism. Think about it this way: What’s your tone of voice like when you’re critical and judgmental? It’s hard to have a harsh tone when you speak out of care and concern. WOW. This is it in a nutshell. The comment and facial expression that started the decline of our marriage. My ex always said:"We don't communicate anymore....you never tell me whats going on or what you are feeling/thinking."
YET...when I did, it was "Its all in your head". "Well, its YOUR Fault for not telling me!" (Because I forgot to remind him to brush his teeth at night--like a 5 year old!) OR my sll time favorite: "What do you want me to do about it?" When I told him I was depressed and desparate for help.
Don't know if I will ever re-marry at this point, because if all men are this emotionally unavailable, what would be the point of marriage?
khalead34
December 4,2010 at 11:13 am:confused::)
saffsafxcz
samakuta
December 2,2010 at 08:33 amgoodddddddd
jtkdp
November 29,2010 at 10:58 amI had to go way back and re-read those early posts to understand what was being said.
I would say it's true for all men sometimes, but some men all the time. I've picked beauty over everything else in the past, but wouldn't today, because of what my experience has taught me.
My 'ideal' woman, someone I dated for several months wasn't the worst looking woman I've ever been with, decent, but not the best. She was the best, however, in every other category.
My best looking woman, someone with whom I was moving towards a relationship with, was easily one of the most physically beautiful women I've ever met, and I've met a Miss America. When you scratched the surface however, she was a train-wreak during an earthquake, near the coast so the tsunami is coming in, with a mile wide asteroid about to enter the atmosphere straight above.
If I had a choice of these two, or two like them, today, I'd pick the first over the second, everytime!.
kikigirl123
November 27,2010 at 09:01 pmI haven't read through the rest of the thread! but this statement really stopped me dead in my tracks: To the men out there, Is this TRUE????:confused:
topflight
November 20,2010 at 04:58 pmDate for the right resons not merely because of p
hysical attraction ,but for what you have in common accademically,socially, spiritually and interpersonally.
Sassafras54
October 10,2010 at 10:01 amWhat a great post Tujay. Welcome to EHA.
Tujay
October 10,2010 at 09:24 amI used to be bitter about how hard it is to find the right person. For a very long time. Over a decade or something like that. The second relationship I had was hard on me - he cheated. And I remember very clearly the moment I gave in and decided to give him a chance. He was super cute but I knew morally - yes, morally - he had a blurred lines. Great for a fling, but horrible long term potential. It took me ten years and a lot of friendships with good guys to get over it.
I have a couple of other friends now who is a lot like him. Super cute, flirty, friendly, likes me a lot. They both have questionable dating histories with girls. A month ago, I had something of an "a ha" moment. I was reading general dating advice for men, posted on msn.com, titled "What to Say When." There were ten relationship biggies - one of them being "if she asks where this is going." The advice was DON'T have this discussion the morning after, but table it for the next weekend. Then they said if you don't see it developing into something long term then tell her the truth. The article stated, "she's most likely expecting the worst anyway."
This is general dating advice for men these days? It is pretty terrible.
No longer am I tempted by my guy friends who are cute but who can't give me security I need for a relationship. I still like them as friends, but I just don't want what they have to offer anymore. The guys I want to date now will have to bring me a sense of security about who they are and where they want the relationship to go...first. I don't deserve any less and someone will give me that.
lovebugg1963
September 3,2010 at 01:08 pmI'm a very shy person so it makes it hard to talk to people that I don't know .I also hate when man acted like they are so nice when you can tell they wouldn't act like that if you know him for a month or 2.
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