The Truth and Nothing but the Truth
A famous supermodel reportedly once overheard a woman commenting on her latest glamorous magazine cover photo. “I would give anything if my skin looked that good,” the woman said with a sigh.
The model introduced herself and said, “Believe me, so would I!” She knew better than anyone that such “perfection” is a myth.
No wonder people sometimes stretch the truth about themselves a little in the early stages of a relationship. Sadly, singles no longer compete solely with flesh and blood rivals, but with mass media icons that are the work of airbrush painting and Photoshop, not nature. Who wouldn’t be tempted to gloss over their blemishes and emphasize a few highlights in their life?
Even so, there is a big difference between forgivable cosmetic embellishment and devious deception. One is meant to “enhance” the truth, the other to hide it, or replace it with a totally false version of reality. Self-flattery is no crime, but outright lies are dangerous. They usually obscure facts that, if known, would threaten the relationship—other romantic commitments, severe financial difficulty, even criminal behavior.
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So how can you know if you are dating a liar? Here are six ways to protect yourself:
Watch for inconsistency.
A person who tells lies must work hard to keep track of what they have said, and to whom. When the details of a story don’t add up, or keep changing over time, it may be a sign that you’re not getting the straight scoop.
Be alert to TMI: too much information.
Liars often give themselves away by offering overly elaborate explanations for their actions. It is the inverse of Occam’s Razor, the famous rule of logic, which says that the simplest solution to any problem is usually the correct one. The greater a story’s complexity, the more likely it is to be untruthful.
Read nonverbal reactions.
Words may conceal the truth, but a liar’s body language usually speaks volumes. Watch for excessive fidgeting, reluctance to make eye contact, closed and defensive postures like tightly folded arms, and even which direction a person looks when trying to recall details. If his eyes move up and to the right while he thinks of what to tell you next, watch out!
Ask direct questions.
If you suspect someone is lying, remember that you are entitled to the truth. Don’t be bullied into dropping it until you are satisfied.
Trust your gut.
One of the great breakthroughs in modern medical science is the discovery that neurochemicals long associated with “thinking” are not just located in the brain. In fact, the greatest concentration is found in—you guessed it—your abdomen. In other words, if a “gut feeling” tells you something your partner says is fishy, don’t ignore it.
Pull the plug.
If all the evidence points to devious deception in a fledgling relationship, break it off. The stark reality is, the situation is unlikely to improve—and may very well grow dangerously worse over time. There are too many good, honest people in the world to get yourself tangled up with a liar.
Truthfulness is an essential ingredient in any relationship. Don’t settle for less. In every aspect of life, and especially romantic partnerships, honesty really is the best policy.
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36 Comments View this thread in our community
soawesome
February 4,2011 at 01:51 amFYI - while you're being cautious - Watch out for the divorced folks. By that I mean that I've discovered a lot men (more than i would have ever guessed) state they are divorced, but are really only separated. They after the discovery state it's because "women don't want to date separated men". Really?! No Kiddin'!? What a shocker!
leery_libra
February 3,2011 at 11:49 amGobin, that's a good question. Feeling as cynical as I do at the moment, I'd be tempted to say "Oh, 100%, give or take a couple percentage points." I hope I'm wrong. But I know one thing: private detectives could make a lot of dough by offering affordable, online services as an adjunct to e-harmony and other dating sites.
Don
January 16,2012 at 07:39 pmSee above comment. I'm thinking the 100% is on both sides. And, yea, I agree with the private detective thing...I could have saved my heart...
leery_libra
February 3,2011 at 11:35 amA very sneaky form of lying is to omit information by way of a true, but deceitful answer. Want to hear of couple of doozies? A few years back, I didn't have the guts to ask a guy, straight-on, if he were married. Instead, I asked: "Can you tell me that you aren't involved with anyone?" His response: "Yes, I could tell you that." I did a little research ... yep, married. But I set myself up for HIS not being direct with me by asking an indirect question. Here's another - just this past week: Me: "I was worried that maybe you had a wife or fiancee." Him: "Nope. No wife or fiancee." The next day, I exchanged my noodle-spine for a real one, called him, and said: "You said you didn't have a wife or fiancee. How about just a plain, old, garden-variety girlfriend?" Long silence. Him: "It's complicated." Me: "I'll take that as a yes." Him: "I'll e-mail you." His e-mail apologized for the "misunderstanding" - mind you, he had made the first move - informed me that he had a girlfriend of 14 years who was "very important to him" and whom he "loved very much", and "please don't call or e-mail" him. I repeat: this guy made the first move, on me.I chose the I.D. name of "leery_libra". It's more like "terminally disgusted with men_libra." C'mon, guys ... I refuse to believe that you're all cheating, lying, duplicitous, passive-aggressive jerks. But where ARE you???
Don
January 16,2012 at 07:38 pmWhere are we? Trying to recover from cheating, lying, duplicitous, passive-aggressive women...
Finally decided to give the whole online dating thing a whirl and signed up here. Met a wonderful woman and I truly believed that I had finally found an honest, compassionate, loving woman. It was magic...for a couple of months. One moment, I'm spending T-day with her family while being introduced around, the next Monday, I'm dumped. Seems she already had a relationship with a guy that had a habit of leaving her for months at a time, only to come back, ring the bell, and she would run to him every time. No red flags, no warning signs, no nothing (and I was quite good at that point at sniffing out liars). One moment she loves me with her whole heart, the next moment I'm a used condom in the trash.
Why are so many men cheating, lying, (fill in the blank) men? Cause they get all the women. Mr. Nice Guy ALWAYS gets his heart broken, until he learns to stop being Mr. Nice Guy.
ipsidoodle
January 13,2011 at 11:18 pmI think that instinct has not been proven statistically effective when it comes to judging whether someone is being dishonest or not. So, trusting one's instinct could prove wrong. The signs of a dishonest person above, would also be the behavior of a nervous date,: excessive talking, not looking you in the eyes or wandering eyes, protective body language, which are all very introverted, shy behaviors for some people and not indicitive of lying. It is actually suggested by other relationship experts to not use gut instinct when determining honest, as it is so often false(so I think this articles and some of the other one's are some what wrong)
Gobin
January 25,2010 at 08:57 amHow many guys do you think register in E-Harmony are married or have a girlfriend? I met one.
Trice71
December 21,2009 at 05:02 amHi,
This information is good and can give a good baseline. I've noted some of these (in hindsight) in a few of situations when I eventually learned the other person was lying (patholigically). However, I wonder if people can learn these things and get so good that none show up? I'm in a new dating situation with someone who I think is a really nice guy and he does not follow any of these patterns....very cool, doesn't stop to think about anything, no defensive posture, no TMI or elaborate stories, ?eye contact....however, a couple of times have questioned in my mind one or two things he's said and wondered if he's also seeing someone else. Also he seems to go hot and cold from time to time. I must admit that after started seeing him, I've gotten information that he has always had the reputation of being a 'ladies man'. It may be affecting my judgement, but then you also don't want to be caught off gaurd by someone who doesn't follow all of the 'telltale' signs of lying. Some people may be just that good. I'm also learning a bit about his childhood, and realise that he may have experienced a lot of pain and hurt because of his parents' realtionship. So I think that can be a good clue that someone who has a painful past, may have had to develop a way of coping with it, and just overtime become very good at deception as a normal part of their life. They probably don't even realise it. Anyway, I'll continue to watch, it would be interesting to see how this one turns out.
sherry1
November 20,2009 at 08:08 pmI have so many self help books, but I knew the bastard was BSing me, you know that gut feeling. Before I married him all I asked for was: Don`t lie to me I don`t care what it is about, and I meant that honestly, how much can something hurt you more than someone lieing to you I don`t know who came up w/the word lieing, but, the men surely made it as one of their closest friends
mobymud
November 18,2009 at 10:55 amA response to everyone especially HeartnSoul1...
First:
> If his eyes move up and to the right while he thinks of what to tell you next, watch out!
Two comments: 1) men lie, and women lie also; and 2) You are referring to "eye accessing cues" and that requires something called "calibration " as well as practice. This is bad advice on the order of "If you have a pain in your chest just take some pain killers." Your advice may cause a liar to go undiagnosed, but worse, cause a good relationship to end! A faithful partner who is simply left handed or differently organized could be branded a liar! This information is wrong and should be ignored. For correct information, google "eye accessing cues" and read.
On liars and people, and people who lie:
I understand and can clearly feel you pain, Ms. HeartSoul, and I have a gift for you: You need to forgive him, not for his sake but for your sake.
I'm not suggesting for one minute that you take him back into your life, or that you allow him to hurt you anymore, I'm merely suggestion that through forgiveness and understanding the sharp intense emotion in your mind and body will be released before it can do any damage. I work with people all the time that have physical issues that when explored, inevitably lead to a memory of a painful experience. Think of it this way... the brain stores memories, and also manages different parts of the body. When an unresolved issue is in the brain, that area of the brain controls some part of the body. Is it any surprise that someone would feel pain in that part of her body?
One way to begin the process of forgiveness is to "unzip" the person from their behavior. I've had many patients over the years that came to me because they would lie uncontrollably and put their work and relationships in danger. Inevitably it results from some coping behavior from childhood, often the person was abused and would lie to avoid that. By working through the root issues, the lying would stop and the patient would be aware of the benefits and joy of telling the truth. Telling lies all the time is painful, just like any behavior like drinking, smoking, over-eating, etc., but people do it because the pain that they avoid is worse than the pain of the behavior. It isn’t because people are “bad” but instead because they learn strategies to cope that aren’t as good as your strategies, or perhaps, consider that they had to cope with something that you never had to cope with! Understanding this can lead to your own healing which is all I'm referring to here.
A final note... while bashing him and letting the door hit him in the rump may feel good, but... that energy doesn't come from a good place. Worse, as friends console you and give you attention, "yeah, you tell him girl" "get RID of that JERK" and words along those lines, it sets up something we call "secondary gain" which may cause you to subconsciously attract this experience again to regain this attention and accolades. It's a complex response that does often happen to people and noticing it is difficult, more often people complain "Why does that always happen to me?" without recognizing they are attracting it.
Think of him as an alcoholic that you aren't willing to help; grieve, forgive and move on. It isn't as much fun but it is so much more healthy for you and for the "universal spirit" of the world.
I hope this message finds gentle, receptive and understanding eyes and ears.
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