Nice Guys Are The New Bad Boys: Signs He'll Break Your Heart

Normally when I dated nice guys, I found they were so non-confrontational (like me), that neither of us wanted to be the bad guy and break it off when we realized that despite having enjoyable times together we really weren't a match. So the romantic buddy relationship would drag on for months ( or rekindle after a couple of years- mistake!) and finally end when one of us would be so distant or non-commitable that the other would finally get fed up and end it. This wasted most of my 30's.

With the last nice guy, the big difference was that he let me know exactly what kind of relationship he wanted early on, specifically asking if he could be my boyfriend instead of the usual guessing game of dating long enough that it was simply assumed. Commitment-phobe that I was, I needed a little more time to decide, but he was brave and determined enough to ask again a few weeks later when I got to know him better. This truly nice guy turned out to be the man of my dreams, and I'm thrilled to be his wife.

A truly nice man (and by nice I mean kind-hearted and strong character, not weak or bland) will let his intentions be known and pursue you. Don't waste your time and emotions settling for less.

(I am reposting this from another site regarding a "nice" guy who really screwed over a good person (female)) - read and learn

Hey, I hope you are still reading this. This guy is going to get what's coming to him. Just be assured of that. the new girl will probably cheat on him or something like that. he'll lose his job. or some other thing will befall him. i'm sad to say and don't wish it on a soul. but God will take care of this guy. trust me - and listen and learn guys - your bad behavior will have consequences.

it may be 2, 5, 7 who knows how many years - but it all catches up to you and you will find yourself a 65 five year old barfly that women shudder to look at.

ladies just keep being the great women you are. "real" authentically nice guys who don't do this to women - keep being who you are.

The genuinely "nice" people who treat others respectfully will eventually find each other. the rest will congregate at barfly central.

New to eharmony, and was browsing the advice area. I came across this article and my heart stopped. I will still go for the nice guys, but the warning signs were 100% for my ex. I learned my lesson and moved on. I am just stuuned how common this may be, judging from the responses. At least I can laugh about it now and at myself... 10 years and what a lesson!

Susan,

Thanks for sharing your experience. Wow, I can totally relate. Everything you described in your comments perfectly fits to my current relationship. Geez. I 'd better hurry up and dump him before he totally crashes me. There should be no mixed messages or excuses when you are in love. It has been only three months in my case and I have been quite confused by his words and actions. But after reading your message, now I can see red flags everywhere.

THANK YOU!

I just experienced this for the 2nd time...with the SAME guy! I feel so stupid! The 1st time it lasted 8 months & I ended it. Just like the article says, I couldn't really put it into words, but I knew something wasn't quite right. He sent so many mixed messages, I thought I was losing my mind! After a year went by, he contacted me again & we started hanging out together again as "just friends". But I still had very strong feelings for him. I believed all his talk about how a couple should start out as friends & take things really slow & let the relationship grow blah...blah...blah. Sounds logical, right? He showered me with compliments, time & attention & helped me around my house & then it got physical again. I thought, "if things keep going like this, he should be wanting to take it to the next level soon." Nope! We would spend fabulous romantic weekends together & then he'd disappear. He jerked me up & down like a yo-yo for 2 years. As soon as I started getting that sinking feeling again, he do or say something to melt my heart. Recently, he was calling less & coming up with more lame excuses why we couldn't see each other as often. Instincts were screaming at me, but I ignored them until suddenly he was moving in with his new girlfriend he'd only met a few months before. So much for taking it slow! He wasn't even the one who told me! I found out through the grapevine & had to confront him & he still didn't want to admit it at first. What a COWARD! I was humiliated! I'd let this "nice guy" back into my life & wasted yet another 2 years of my precious time waiting for him to be "ready" for a committed relationship. Turns out he was ready all along, just not for me. I was just back-up until she came along! The worst part was when he told me we never had any kind of relationship, it was all in my imagination. I don't think my self-esteem has ever been so low. I wish I'd read this article long ago.

GREAT article!

I can see that this article has got some "nice" guys feathers ruffled. This article is not about nice guys its about guys who seem nice. Its not saying that nice guys are bad its saying to watch out for some of these behaviors. I and MANY of my girlfriends know all too well about the "nice guy" this article is referring too.

Any woman dumb enough to assume that ALL nice guys are like this is an idiot, who you probably don't want to date anyway. You should be glad the article deterred her from wasting YOUR time.

Also, the fact that you think, women are not smart enough to understand that this article is about one kind of man and not about ALL nice guys, is a tad insulting. YOU are probably that nice of a guy, anyway.

I totally agree!!!I just got my heart broken by a NICE guy that was everything in the article. We had a disagreement not long ago that didn't warrant any bad behavior, but he was being real short with me. I sent him a text saying I was on my way over and he obviously didn't get it because he was needless to say in his house busy with another woman. I showed up and confronted him. Not showing off but I handled it with class. He of course tried to deny it but the girl put her clothes on and left at the same time I did!

This article describes my last relationship perfectly. To all the people who posted who don't think this exists or who are trying to say that we are getting lots of mixed messages from internet dating sites, re-read the article. The only thing I regret about dumping this jerk is that I even got involved with him in the first place when my first impressions of him were that he was a worm. All the warning signs where there, when I first met him I was not attracted, I only wanted to be friends then I guess I let myself get caught up in the nice manners, paying for everything on dates, etc. Early on when we were still friends, he "resolved" some other casual relationship he was in, I told him don't do it on my account because at that time I was not that into him. So he really put on the chase after he dumped his casual FWB, and things were moving right along and then he confessed he had another FWB that he had to tell that there were no more benefits!!! I was ready to dump him then and there, he was very manipulative about the whole thing and acted like I was the jerk for getting upset because he had withheld this information from me. I told him straight up if we were going to get involved I was only interested in a monogamous relationship. We had a huge argument about the whole thing but he claimed she was out of the picture. All these things were red flags. Against my better judgment I gave him a second chance. Then I found out he lived with someone for 10 years, no marriage, she subsidized him financially for many years, left him and several years later married someone else, I guess he thought he could do better and 15 years later is still looking. As time went on in our relationship - he did everything right, nice manners, emailed all the time, called every day, paid for everything on dates, brought me flowers, thoughtful and considerate, he went through all the right motions - I started to feel that things were not right and I began suspecting him of cheating. He denied it (of course) but something was nagging at me that things were not right. So we had the "do we have mutual relationship goals" conversation and he wanted to delay the "marriage talk" when I told him that my goal was to get married, not necessarily to him but that we did need to talk about it. Of course he wanted to delay the convo - so he could line up the next FWB or casual date. Long story short I dumped him, and didn't look back. I don't know if he had already lined up someone else, I strongly suspected that FWB #2 was back in the picture or there was someone else he was talking to, we have very few friends in common and I'm not close to the ones we both know so I couldn't really ask and they wouldn't know anyway. I thought about hiring a PI but I figured it I am this suspicious it's over anyway.

I am so glad I broke up with this loser, I don't think he will ever commit and he just uses women all the time so he doesn't have to be alone but he will dump one the minute one he thinks is better comes along. When I asked him why he broke up with his 10 year girlfriend he said the relationship had reached a plateau and then refused to talk about it any further. Translation - he is stuck in an immature emotional state and just can't move on to the next level. The ex GF ended up happily married, and after I heard about her and their relationship I said, why didn't you marry her she sounded perfect for you he said that she said the same thing!!! I think men like him are really super manipulative and selfish, everything is about them and their needs and they use women because they don't want to be alone. They always think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, and they want to keep their options open all the time because they are too immature and the irony is they will probably end up alone because no woman is perfect enough for them. They have some ideal in their mind that doesn't even exist and I don't think they even know what it is they really want. Probably someone half their age they can manipulate. He was also very passive agressive, if he was angry at me about something he would act out and withhold affection, spend time alone, etc. and if I confronted him then he would finally tell me what was on his mind, I don't have time to be raising a baby. Low self-esteem, coupled with narcissm and immaturity and this is what you get - a manipulative, passive-agressive jerk cloaked in "nice guy" clothing who is incapable of real intimacy and unwilling to do the hard work it takes to be in a relationship. RUN and don't look back! And by the way, there are women out there who are like this too!!!

I'm actually one of those super nice guys everyone talks about, but I'm nowhere near matched towards what this article is saying. I *am* looking for commitment and someone to spend my life with. While I've had a great time with many women over the course of the year, I've only clicked with a few. Unfortunately, nothing ever came from them because *they* never took the time to get to know me. Each woman I've dated think love should be instant and not based on some sort of commonality or foundation. Yes, there needs to be that, "za-za-zu". I don't get involved unless I have that and it's too bad that the women I've dated can't get passed their own brains and let their hearts open up to experience that.

This article seems to blame that super-nice guy instead of taking a look at the full picture. If this is all true, I might as well sign up to be a jerk.

Well I guess I am one of the "lucky" ones (if that's the proper term). We meet, and I feel instananeous comfort. I can tell he feels the same. We saw each other almost every day for a little over 3 months. I never felt like I was being led on, just that we enjoyed each others company. I did feel my feelings for him become stronger and felt like I was falling in love with him. This guy is not one to mince words and flat out told me that word scared him. When I asked him how he did feel about me he said he "kinda liked me". Not long after that he told me it didn't matter if I was in his life or not. So I still "kinda" see him, but I am certainly not committed to him in any way. He truly is a nice man, and has not led me on in any way. That's why I guess I'm lucky, albeit sad.