Finding Love: Why You Shouldn't Give Up
When love has eluded you for so long that giving up seems like the only sensible thing to do—don’t. Here’s why:
“There’s a lid for every pot.” After a painful divorce, Christa fell into a deep depression. The man she married turned out to be abusive and unfaithful. When he finally left, he took with him her confidence that she would ever find a loving, loyal partner. “One day I visited my grandmother,” Christa recalled. “I was sitting in her kitchen feeling sorry for myself while she made dinner. She knew what I was thinking.”
Christa was suddenly jolted by an especially loud clatter as the old woman searched noisily through a cupboard of pots and pans. Finally, she emerged with an ancient-looking cast-iron lid and placed it gently atop a simmering sauce pan on the stove—a perfect fit. “Don’t worry yourself sick, darlin’,” she said to Christa with a wink and a smile. “In God’s kitchen, there is always a lid for every pot. You just have to patiently search for it.”
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“I laughed out loud for the first time in ages,” Christa said. “She was right. It was pointless to think there is no one in the whole wide world who would be a good match for me.”
Finding Love
No matter how futile it feels, hope in finding love is never misplaced. A famous general was once asked the secret of his phenomenal success in battle. He replied, “I never retreated.” After a pause, his interviewer commented that this was difficult to believe. “Oh, I sometimes had to ‘advance to the rear,’ but I never ordered a retreat,” the general explained. Then his point became clear: Victory frequently depends upon refusing to accept the possibility of defeat. It matters what you say—and even what you think—about your life. Hopelessness, fed by negative attitudes and ideas, often becomes a self-fulfilling condition.
Don’t think you are a failure at relationships. Say you are training to succeed.
Don’t complain there is no one for you. Say you are searching for a gem of exceptionally rare quality. Don’t consider your time alone as wasted. Say that you are improving yourself so you’ll be an irresistible catch for an irresistible partner.
Clinging to hope isn’t mere wishful thinking. It literally helps create the conditions you need for success. Giving up guarantees failure. Any coach of any sports team knows that the surest way to lose a game is to not show up. Similarly, what are the chances of a tennis player winning the championship if she doesn’t enter the tournament? Or a job applicant getting the prized position if he doesn’t arrive for the scheduled interview? That’s right—zero!
Simply put, there’s no reason you can’t find the love of your life if you hang in there, keep going, and stay persistent. If you want to dramatically increase your chances of “winning” a wonderful partner, start by deciding to never give up.
If you’ve been burned by relationships that went sour, if you’ve grown weary of dates that lead nowhere, if you’re tired of being disappointed, realize that you are not alone. And most of all, resist the temptation to give in to hopelessness. Believe the best about yourself, and then always believe that a delightful partner is searching for you, too.
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JbC
January 6,2012 at 09:52 pm"...love has eluded you..." "Eluded" me??? Love has entered a freakin' Witness Protection Program, had plastic surgery, and has taken up residence in an entirely different Universe!!! After more than 10 years of being unable to get anyone to the "Vaguely Interested in Me" stage (more than 12, if you count the 2 years I tried the "you'll find someone when you're not looking" myth and shooting THAT down in flames), you can't even lie to yourself that you "just haven't met the right person". (Obviously, my ...for lack of a better term... sex appeal is somewhere between "Ceiling Tiles" and "Catalog of Tractor-Repair Manuals") When the best result of an "attempt" is that she didn't even realize that you were interested in her, one does reach a point where you just CAN'T try anymore. Although it is not on the level of a scientific theorem, perhaps I was just meant to be a case-study proving that there ISN'T someone for everyone out there. (Kitchen utensils not withstanding)
tpj
March 18,2012 at 11:10 amI totally feel you....never been married, no kids, nothing and I don't get it. Sometimes I think there is something wrong with me and I'm the only one that doesn't know what it is.
mitchell175
May 20,2011 at 02:06 pmAnnother - that is such great advice, and it bears repeating!
annother
May 20,2011 at 06:01 amThis thread seems to have attracted a lot of new posters to the EH Advice boards, and I hope that you can find some support and inspiration by reading some of the threads here.
Like you, I am single and looking for a partner and there are times when I get blue. I find it helps to get some positive reassurance from friends and family, but I have to sometimes seek it out. I have learned to ask for hugs, and I've never been turned down!
Some of the people on these boards have become my friends, and I have even met a few of them in real life. Being able to come here has been a huge help to me in learning the dating dance and coping with the myriad emotions that go along with that.
I want to encourage everyone to get the emotional support that you need, wherever you can get it. It doesn't have to be a confidante or a lover. Everyone can lend an ear and give a hug, but you may have to ask them for it.
dbz77
May 20,2011 at 03:22 amYour point is...
danirue
May 16,2011 at 09:22 pmIm not sure how true it is. I think its like what my mom and grandma always said to make me feel better. Oh hunny the reason your alone is because men are intimdated by u. I think that translates oh hunny it's because you are ugly. LOL
danirue
May 16,2011 at 09:17 pmThatsa great saying but it's not based in reality. I am a happy person and like being me. I would like it if I had someone to enjoy it with but apparently looks are all that matters. So I continue on as a single person who has a good life but just wishes I had someone who woud take the time to look deeper.
tpj
March 18,2012 at 11:15 amWell I don't think looks are the problem. You probably just feel that way because you may think you are not that attractive. We naturally try to seek out some obvious answers that may be the key. I'm a beautiful woman ...no problems meeting men just a hard time keeping them :0(
CanadianStormchaser
May 8,2011 at 09:37 amI may be only 20 years old, but I have never been so depressed from not being able to find someone. I am a bit bigger, not by much, but I just want someone who will appreciate me for me.... it hurts so much :`(
shapeShifter79
April 27,2011 at 07:20 pmNo, but there's a wonderful therapist whose office I've passed by a few times who can teach you alot. His name is David D. Burns and his book (relevant to your dilemma) is called Intimate Connections. It's not about getting laid, it may not land you a date, and it won't tell you what to say--but it will help you be unafraid to speak to the opposite sex. He also has a really good book on depression. :)
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