Even Wallflowers Bloom
There’s nothing more exhilarating than being asked out by someone you’re attracted to, but when you are being pursued by someone who just doesn’t do it for you the experience becomes an exercise in reluctant interactions, forced smiles, and finding a polite exit strategy. And if you are more of a "socially sensitive" type of person who has a hard time letting anyone down, it’s even worse.
The very thought of communicating rejection to someone else romantically for a socially sensitive person can sometimes bring about moderate to severe feelings of discomfort, and so they wait to have the "just-friends talk." At best their fears of a bad outcome grow until exploding in self-fulfilling, passive-aggressive resentment, or at the very worst, they might even find themselves involved in a relationship that they never really wanted in the first place.
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Saying "Thanks, but no thanks" nicely If someone asks you out but you’re really not interested, the best policy is to politely decline immediately at first mention, but do so politely. While there will always be some level of disappointment for someone who is turned down for a date or romantic relationship, honesty from the start minimizes hurt feelings on both sides. The sooner a person is let down the less likely the other person will be seen as "leading" or "stringing" them along.
The kindest way to express disinterest is to simply state that you just don’t feel that spark of chemistry between you. There is no need to apologize, but do soften the blow by highlighting a great attribute about them or your last experience with them, such as "I really enjoyed our conversation the other night as well, but I just don’t feel that romantic spark." If they press onward, keep it civil and repeat that you don’t feel chemistry between you.
Also, do keep it positive by not berating, making fun of, or pointing out obvious incompatibilities or discrepancies that might offend the other person, even in jest. Even though the very thought of being with this person on a romantic level may turn you off or make you laugh, exercise some compassion; try to put yourself in that person’s shoes. Imagine having interest in and approaching someone who you find attractive, but the interest is not reciprocated. It may have been a shot in the dark, but you took it, and now you’re getting shot down. How would you like to be treated? Direct but polite works best. Remember that turning someone down in a polite but direct manner is not as hurtful as leaving your interaction with them up for their hopeful interpretation.
If you are turning someone down in person, also pay attention to your nonverbal body cues so that you aren’t inadvertently sending mixed messages. Maintain eye contact and appear relaxed. Looking away frequently or maintaining tense body posture can very quickly transmit discomfort and put the other person off. On the other hand, you don’t want to transmit flirtation with your body while turning them down verbally, so even if you can sometimes be a high-touch person in conversation, keep physical contact to a minimum.
Politely asserting your disinterest toward someone else’s advances toward you may seem uncomfortable at first, but it is the best policy for all involved. The sooner you communicate that the spark just isn’t there, the sooner you can both move on to finding the right people whose advances will be more than welcome right from the start.
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76 Comments View this thread in our community
LawyerDan
August 19,2008 at 10:45 amsoils?
donny
December 2,2007 at 09:24 amFor men, friendships and love grow from very different soils and are nourished by very different circumstances. Women can, and do, create friendships from a beginning of general, sociable conversation which affably widens out to encompass many things, discover they are kindred spirits and be general, all-purpose friends. Men can grow friendships only among fellow participants in a particular activity over a period of time, when they both derive similar satisfactions from that particular activity. If you observe the men around you, you'll see that they generally have different friends for each activity in which they participate, who have little if any inter-action with his friends from other activities. Often times, a man's best and most long-term friends will have never even met each other. A man approaches a woman with a particular activity in mind - romance - if they click, they will probably find other activities which they can enjoy together and become friends regarding that activity;... but he can never be 'just friends', or want to, or even know how to try. And he can never be without sexual desire for you.
All this of course is a 'left brain-right brain' testosterone thing and men with a more pronounced 'dreaded sensitive feminine side' are obviously much more capable of all-around friendships with women.
8363haruo
October 14,2007 at 12:25 amHi Brett:
I like the answer of "No" means next opportunity. Puts the damper on rejection.
from Haruo
4736Kate
August 18,2007 at 12:54 pmWhen it is the first interaction or just a compliment rather than a line that will lead me into conversation, I say "I know". It sounds arrogant but to me it's a complete acceptance. If someone judges me innaccurately through those two words, I'm not looking for him anyway.
3965VERONICA
August 2,2007 at 01:33 amOLLIE, you are in that situation NOW!!! Make a decision with your head, not your heatt!!!TJ, If you are intersted, GO AFTER HIM AND MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!! I like you Patty!!! Good point Vicki "2". Yeh, Ruth and Deborah!!! For Gloria, it does not matter how much you love someone, if they don't love you back, there is nothing that YOU can do to change how THEY feel about you. Move on. God will provide you with your true soul mate. You will be suprized how many people you will fall "IN LOVE" with in your life- time. The important thing is, is that you have "LOVED"!!! I like this, "NO" JUST MEANS "Next Opportnity". GOD BLESS TO ALL AND I HOPE WE ALL FIND OUR ONE TRUE LOVE, I AM SURE WE WILL!!!
3667Brett
July 26,2007 at 09:25 pmI agree with Chereee as to what this article had to do with over coming shyness. Wallflower is me completely. Being a para from the age of 11, I have always felt completely uneasy in the approach of asking a beautiful woman out on a date, so I have dealt with it by never doing it. You can not be rejected if you never put yourself in a position to be. But alas what have I missed out on in life by never really risking that feeling of rejection. Also what an ass am I to assume that all ladies would automatically reject me based on the fact that I'm in a chair.
I was interested in reading all the response to this article though over the use of the "nice guy". Truly I'm a nice guy, with a huge untapped loving heart, who would be up front & honest & truly accept that in return, but in our current society do the "nice guys" really come in last? What do women really want? Kind of the reason I joined Eharmoney. I wanted & needed to learn & grow at this point in my life. I have accomplished the non-love aspects of my life to the point that would I do for a living (independent filmmaker) is my bliss/my dream come to true. Now it is the time to fix hole in my intimate life.
So I thank all of you for your input to this non wallflower ( article 8-) ) & hope that when it comes time to be the rejector or rejectee I will do it/accept it with dignity & grace, based on what I have read here today. Peace, Brett
PS As I good friend recently told me NO just means Next Opportunity, don't take it personally.
3634haruo
July 25,2007 at 11:21 pmhi Kat:
let him go, better at the beginning then string him along and he is not getting out of the relationship that he desires. be frank from the start, is it friendship or a relationship you want? and tell him what you would like. This way he makes the decision and you don't look like a heal if you break up with him. He knows what you expect from the start. He is either going to walk away or be your friend. Be honest with your emotions, if you realy like him and want a relationship with him then tell him that, don't suppress or hide your feelings. Most guys want to know right away. No time to waste in this world many others to see and do things with.
3106Chereee
July 18,2007 at 11:15 amGreat article, but I feel the title is misleading. Reading the title I clicked on it because I thought it was how to overcome shyness as a wallflower :-)
3065Bruce
July 17,2007 at 11:44 pmCC get this through your head now. If he hurts himself it is not your "fault" and you didn't cause it. If you do not harden yourself to this truth then you are in for a life time of relationships where you will be manipulated and used. I was on the receiving end of that behavior once. I told them firmly, calmly, and without arguing that I was leaving anyway, that I did care but I would not be controlled that way. I reminded her of all the other people, (not mentioning either herself or me), that would be hurt and devistated if she hurt herself.
Alyce, NO YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS. You had a relationship or at least started down that road. From the day that one person says they are interested in more than friendship, friendship as you are thinking of it is OVER. You either have to mutually agree to move on to a relationship, or end it. Maybe in a couple of years it might be possible... Maybe..... Right now you are just torturing him. Put yourself in his shoes. Every time you do something together, maybe even just talking for some people, you are giving him false hopes.
Patty... Your first paragraph was good advice, for man or woman... But...Don't give out your home address for months???!!!???!!! You have got to be kidding! Any woman that acted that paranoid around me would be gone long before she would have to worry about giving out her address. I don't think ANY emotionally healthy man would put up with that kind of nuttiness.
Brenda This has happened to you three times and you don't get it. I would say you are sending out serious mixed messages even if you don't think so. And getting mixed messages is exactly one good reason for a guy to hesitate for months before coming out to you with his feelings. Especially if he is a little immature or insecure himself.
3025Juanita
July 17,2007 at 05:11 amI am not seeking a romantic relationship. I am searching for someone I can be seen in public with, visit with, go out to eat with, email with. etc. I am an honest, caring, over weight individual who has a lot to offer in the friendship stage. I doubt I would ever get into an serious relationship again.
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