Dating Widow(er)s: Our User Guide

I am a widow and loved my late husband very much. Are there times I have compared others to him? Of course. However, if you are dating someone who's spouse has died, let me give you some heartfelt advice.

The couple were seperated against their will. It was not a divorce. There are usually no anger issues just a broken heart. We all have had our hearts broken so everyone can relate to that. When a person dies, they are a victim of time and often a serious illness or something tragic has caused them to lose their life. Compassion is almost more important to have for the deceased as it is for the widow/widower whom you are dating. It is virtually impossible to not mention someone who has played a major role in ones life. If you have lost a close family member then you reallize this. Did you destroy all pictures of that person? Of course not. Why would a widower or widow eliminate all evidence of their previous life?

If your new love acts loving towards you and is looking forward in terms of making plans for a future with you, let that sustain you as you help the person move forward. I know my husband is never coming back. Its over. But .... he deserves to be remembered. He was the father of my children and his life counted. It is not a threat to talk about the good times, the sad times and the years you spent with another. Embrace the deceased spouse's memory and do not see it as a threat. Chances are the person you are involved with is going to love you more and cherish you more if you can do that. The grown children will embrace you if they see that you welcome any memories they care to share about their Mom or Dad.

And yes.... after three years I have found love again. Its a different love. No less of a love . If anything, I think most widowers and widows are so grateful to find love again and their new mate is going to benefit the most as a result.

I am in a relationship with a widower. He lost his wife a year and a half ago. He keeps her picture on his bedroom dresser. As we get more serious, it bothers me to look at her picture while we are in bed. Should I try to be understanding or should I let him know it makes me uncomfortable?

It's interesting to come back and read the comments that people have posted... especially relatively recently, with the update of the article.

I see a number of posters after December 2 have shared stories of failed relationships with a widowed person. I'm sorry to see any relationship fail, and I'm happy that these folks took the time to get to know someone who walked a different path through life. But it is sad that the tone of such posts appears to be that of a warning, and an implication that all widowed folks need to be scrutinized.

If you look through the eHarmony Advice forums on any given night, you'll see stories of people from all walks of life - 20somethings and older folks, divorced folks and serial daters, with a widow or two thrown in. They all share the same kinds of stories. Not knowing that one isn't ready for a relationship is not unique to a widowed person...

I dated a widower for nine months. In the beginning, it seemed that he was optimistic about starting to heal and live again. It was definitely too soon for him (less than a year after her sudden death)

I wish he had realized it was too soon earlier as I fell deeply in love with him and he was still deeply in love with his late wife. When he told me he didn't know if he could ever love again, it didn't just break my heart, I was devastated.

I thought I was patient and understanding even though I had never been through the same thing. It never bothered me when he talked about her and I even encouraged him to let it out. It seemed like as soon as we started to get really close, he began pull away. He has a lot of issues with his grown children and they were definitely not ready to see their father with someone new.

I have never lost anyone that close to me so reading all of your comments is very helpful in understanding what he is going through. But now I am left wishing he had waited to ask me out until he was ready. I think we could have had a great life together

It is true that love finds a way back into your heart. I agree with many of the people who have responded to this article. My husband died suddenly at age 52 of a heart attack almost two years ago. Unlike cancer, there is no prepartion for the death when it happens suddenly. I have started changing things to fit more my style, but his picture is on my piano is a comfort to me. I do not think one picture in a common area, not in the bedroom, means that the widow(er) is not ready for find a new person to spend the time of the rest of their life.

I could not agree more with Toby when he says don't treat us different! although I am very new at dating since my husband passed away & I am only 39, the users that say” use caution” with us have no idea that it doesn't differ much than an individual that divorced after they didn't want to. No, we didn't ask for this, and would give the world to have it back, but so would a divorcee that lost a cheating spouse! A widow isn't going to question every move, be paranoid about other men/women, or be constantly worried about you leaving them. A widow may take longer to understand and get to know, but in the end, they have lost their love too. The misconceptions about widows/widowers can cause harm and can end up making that one couple lose out. Just keep in mind with ” us”, we are human and very capable of loving just as much as anyone. There will always be memories & reminders, but you will never run into our spouse on the streets or in a restaurant.
Good Luck!

Tragically I lost my husband almost 2 years ago...having 3 small children, dating has definitely taken a back seat. It's so difficult to be on the dating scene. But, through mutual friends I have met a man who is wonderful to me and my kids...that being said, my husbands pictures are still up, and his memories are always forefront in our house. I just can't seem to put on the label of 'boyfriend', or even let myself believe that I am in a serious relationship..moods are definitely manic, and small triggers will set me off.
And yes... when things get overwhelming the thought to cut and run emerges. The man I am seeing has been very understanding and patient, and I think that is what is key for our situation right now. There is no magic formula.

I've been widowed 2 1/2 years and I'm more than ready to find a new partner. My husband's death was sudden but we had talked about what we would want if anything happened to either of us. We have 3 girls and were together 19 years. He was a kind, intelligent, loving man who was my best friend. I know I have his blessing to find someone to be happy with. Even my mother-in-law told me early on that she knows I will always love her son but that I'm too young to spend my life alone. She said she wants me to be happy because she considers me her daughter too. I think when a widow(er) is ready to date has a lot to do with the relationship with their late spouse. I know another widowed woman whose late spouse was a royal jerk her whole marriage and told her he hoped she'd be miserable and alone if anything ever happened to him. Even though he treated her badly in life, she still felt guilty dating which I'll never understand. Yes, there will always be times that something triggers a sad moment for me, usually some milestone for the kids, but I don't pine away for my loss. I embrace that he wants me to be happy now that he's gone, just like he always wanted to make me happy before. On a side note I do take issue with part of the last poster's comment about his having to pay child support despite his exes wealth from her late husband. You both created that child and the child is your responsibility not her late husband's. No amount of money will ever take the place of a spouse/father and that "wealth" will have to carry that family through all the years that person should have lived. You don't need to treat a widow(er) with kid gloves but you should respect them and at least be willing to acknowledge the everyday challenges. Don't just a look at a date as a widow(er). I'm still a woman looking for an equal partner with whom I can share love and respect.