Are You Dating A Fixer-Upper?

about the second scenario with the troubled girl; I know such a girl and this scenario truly applies to me: what do i do?

Word from the wise: If you walk down the aisle, and then expect to walk back down the aisle with someone else after saying I do, THEN YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE!
If you can't accept them just as they are, then don't make everyone miserable by trying to make them something else.
On a different slant - I've heard so many times I fell in love with him/her because he/she was: A hard worker/sexy and charming/ etc. then end up hating their spouse for the exact same reason - because they work all of the time and are sexy and charming to everyone else. The person didn't change but those same qualities can be viewed as postive/negative after time.

I don't date fixer-uppers as a rule. And unfortunately, most men are fixer-uppers. I just don't have the time for it. And my best friend (male) says that's why I'm still single. Apparently, most women find a man they think sort of fits the bill and then they get to work. Frankly, I find the whole exercise demeaning. And when I mean fixer-uppers, I'm not talking about stuff that's easy to change, like, say, personal living habits, but stuff like how they treat people. That's also amenable to change, but that takes a LOT more work than merely getting a guy to pick up his socks or throw out his couch. I just don't have years to throw away of being treated thoughtlessly while I train him how to be in a relationship. And with the vast majority of men, you have to do this.
Now I'm dating a guy that is not a fixer-upper. There are things about him that I guess I would like to be different, but it's stuff that he can't change, and if you are talking about relationship quality, rather than mere personal preference, he shouldn't have to change because it affects the quality of the relationship not a whit. In fact, I'm beginning to realize that I'm the fixer-upper in this relationship. He's basically working on me to change my slovenly personal habits, which I'm totally open to changing because frankly, no one should have to put up with my mess. I'm just really clueless about how to clean it up. What worries me is that I haven't been the most emotionally available with him, though I think it has to do with the fact that I'm so busy right now, I have nothing left to give. I'm hoping that will change when my schedule eases up. If it doesn't, the kinder thing may be to let him go. Which would be unfortunate because he's a great guy. Unlike most men, he actually makes my life easier.

It is a functional aspect of our behavorial ability to want to fix others.   It functions as a means to elevate our own sense of being through a person who is needing our help. A redirection if you will of awareness- being we become aware more of the needs of the other person than we want to be aware of our own. It is in many ways an act out. Helping others could be generous and mean we are in a position of intelligence to make change in another- but it can also mean we a distracting ourselves through a struggle with anothers problems, getting side tracked from our own issues.
Resolving this practice requires that awareness be made by knowing we are struggling to distract ourselves and reasigning our powers to heal by getting in touch with the internal, emotional pain that drives us to be "SAVERS!"
Expresssing the real hurt we suffer for ouselves, allowing ourselves to hurt in response to our own damaged feelings,  will make our own saving others type of behavior less a drive and more of an option we choose without denying our own needs for love and attention.
We often expect responses of affection from those we help that fulfills our need for love.
The trouble is those people aren't in an emotiopnal position to do so. Their need is to great!
I've been through this and changed after Primal Therapy to accept this profound interactive mode of operation and change the direction of care to myself. At the same time I opened up to the possibilite of others being caring to me. You flush out the range of behavior another person can share with you by needing them and being aware and seeing how others react to your wants, needs and desires. Beware if your intended mate gets befuddled and redirects your need for their attention- back to them through hysterical outcroppings of behavior. this is where empathy goes on trial.
 
 

This article reminded me of my last relationship. I was so focus on helping her because she really need help. Her issues were really deep and she never trusted me completely. At the end of the relationship, she turned her parents on me ...

I spent a lot of time in this relationship, but little by little I was realizing that what I wanted to do was to help her and her kids, but love was decreasing due to all the drama that she brought in our relationship. I was open for changes, but she wasn't open because she didn't think that she had problems, when I said directly " you need help" she immediately denied it and started a big drama scene that lasted for days unless I was too apologized for something that I didn't do wrong.

Hopefully, she is doing ok.

Shelby: I think that there are some people who think that they would change if and after they meet the right person, as if that person would be the catalyst for their change.

In my opinion, that's a cop-out, because they are relying on an external motivator, when the motivation should come from within.

When I'm meeting some one new, I'm assessing his current fit on a variety of parameters that have different values for me. If the fit is not tight on certain traits that I consider highly important, I'm not going to make him change.

It's like fitting a square peg into a round hole. Damages the peg and frustrates the fitter.

Many men will let a few things slide when they are single.

Men may not go to as many female friendly activities unless they are with a female companion.

Many men will slack off slightly on keeping their wardrobe updated simply because they are not going shopping nearly as often.

They may from time to time sleep on the same pair of sheets for 2-3 weeks because they hadn't thought about it. Believe me, when there is a woman involved, I will make sure that those sheets are extremely clean. LOL.

I keep my place clean but if I am expecting company... especially female more attention to detail is taken.

My eating habits change. They always remain healthy but where & when will change greatly.

Living alone is completely different than living with a roomate or having a SO over frequently. You cannot do a project that messes up the living room for a couple of days when other people are involved.

The changes are many.

I think that there are some people who think that they would change if and after they meet the right person, as if that person would be the catalyst for their change.

In my opinion, that's a cop-out, because they are relying on an external motivator, when the motivation should come from within.

When I'm meeting some one new, I'm assessing his current fit on a variety of parameters that have different values for me. If the fit is not tight on certain traits that I consider highly important, I'm not going to make him change.

It's like fitting a square peg into a round hole. Damages the peg and frustrates the fitter.

facefur: The dating process is about discovering whether there is compatibility, not "repairability."

I agree. It's not about if the guy is a "Fixer-Upper" but if the guy is a "Fit her-Up her". As in, does this guy "fit her" in terms of emotional and physical compatibility, and "up her" game when it comes to this challenge which we call life.

As someone who definitely qualifies as a "work in progress" I would expect any potential partner to offer me emotional support, but ultimately leave the fixing to myself.

It's all about your perception of people. People view things differently. Someone might see one person as a 'fixer upper' while someone else might view that same person as perfect the way they are flaws and all.

I dont know but the way I see it is when you choose to love someone your choosing to love them as they are, taking in the good with the bad. If you cant do this, perhaps you aren't campatible with the person your dating/in a relationship with. I could be wrong though.

Sometimes our flaws are what make us unique and special in our own right.

No one is perfect but too people that aren't perfect can most definently be perfect for each other :) ...

The dating process is about discovering whether there is compatibility, not "repairability." If after a couple of dates you don't like what you see, move on. If the dates are few and far between, perhaps you need to look inward for things to fix.