Are You Ambivalent About a Relationship?

I love the word ambivalence.

I really enjoyed reading this article... thanks very much for bumping it PWR. I hadn't run across this one before, and it is very telling!

I never have figured out what I want to be when I grow up :D

I find the article on ambivilency interesting. Regarding risk I believe that life is challenge. However, individuals males and females take limited risks. You here women talk about there narsarsistic husbands and previous relationships. The questions for me is do I want to here more? The sight is they tell you the problem and is that going be they are the narsarsistic husband. Or do they hide information so you see the good sie only. If tell information easy there is interest to meet however if you make it a focal point then you llose interest. I call that self centerness. Point being meeting somebody is exciting how they share information is the breaker. PWR

mystikchik: I am not at all ambivalent about arelationship. I am open to casual relationshps--one night stand with or without sex--usually without. Longer tem relationshps with or without sex--uusally with. Friendships with or without sex--a mixed bag so to speak.

But I come first. I have my studies.I have my futurecareer goals. I have my travel goals. All of this comes way before any relationship.

No. I am not ambivalent about relationships. I love being single and free to do as I please. I don't want to have to ask permission to turn my music way up; I don't want to negotiate what I am going to eat for supper; I want both sides of the bed; I don't want to clean up after anyone-sometimes even myself; I want to take long hot baths whenever I feel like it; I want to stay in control of my sex life--no one owns it and no one gets to tell me I must do it tonight; I don't want to negotiate what television shows are going to be on--I don't even want a tv in the house; I dress the way I want and have no interest in talking about this with some guy--I will show as much of me as I want when I want and don't want or need any guy telling me not to do so: I expect to be sexually pleasured and if the guy is unwilling to do so he is the one who is wrong not me and it is him not me who will be sent packing--the list could be extended.

I am not at all ambivalent: I plan on jealouslyguarding my rights to live life on my terms. Does this make me selfish and unmarriable? Probably...so be it.

it kinda scares me that there is a lot of this post that i can relate to. sometimes i think that being with another person will be a burden and stifling instead of something enriching.

For about a year there, I was starting to think I was ambivalent. Then I started communicating with someone on eHarmony who I was excited about from the start, was eager toward e-mailing and calling her and enthusiastic about our meeting and thrilled after we met ... of course after all that, she decided she wasn't interested. But I certainly realized that I was not ambivalent about relationships, just ambivalent about the particular women I'd been meeting before her and after her. Certainly renewed my confidence that I know what I'm looking for, and can find it.

Are there people out there who are ambivalent about relationships in general? Probably. The article hits on a few reasons why people might be that way: not taking risks, career, hanging on to a particular lifestyle, avoiding pain, keeping secrets.

Lifestyle is probably the one that affects me most. If I don't see somebody as being compatible with my lifestyle, we are not a good match. But I'm not sure if that's ambivalence. You know what you want.

The other 4 are less about what you know and more about risk and the unknown. One of the more annoying things I see in profiles are the early 30-something women who are "now ready" to settle down (or whatever they choose to call it). I just turned 40, have been "ready" my entire adult life (with the admission now that I'm glad I didn't marry young), and have not found someone yet. It isn't a switch that you magically turn on and it just happens. Yes, there's risk, there's heartbreak and pain, and you will have to give something of yourself to get something in return. But, I'm not sure if this is ambivalence either.

Just get in the game, take risks, and believe you will find someone you want to merge a career path with, want to co-mingle a lifestyle with, and want to share your pain and secrets with. You aren't going to win from the sideline.

I think this is what annoys me most when people are so picky. You can call it ambilvalence, but I call it being unrealistic.

It's like they're waiting around for the perfect situation. Some guy who makes a ton of money and is totally hot.

And they're not willing "to settle".

It's like why even bother? You are being completely rude and insulting to people that are serious about making a go at it.

Stop being ambivalent and just stop looking. Or expect some hate coming your way.

It's not surprising that most of the people here that aren't in relationships think they are ambivalent.

It's not really ambivalence as much as selfishness.

Relationships require huge sacrifice. Obviously there are benefits, but there is also huge responsibility.

Everyone wants the cupcake but no one wants to get fat.

Everyone NEEDS love and sex, but no one wants to put up with another person or be responsible for a relationship.

That's the ambivalence: do I take the good feelings or do I stay free of entanglements.

That's why we have 50%+ divorce rates, people these days are selfish. And we can afford to be, well until the economy goes into depression.

Women complain about being moms and "living for everyone else". Men complain about working to the bone and sacrificing for their families.

No wonder people don't want relationships.

Who ever said "if you're ambivalent isn't that a good sign not to do it?" is dead on. If you want to avoid the responsibility that comes with a relationship, maybe you shouldn't do it.

And I think most here are not doing it. Or did it and got out of it.

Yes, I agree that this is a great thread. I have had a great many thoughts regarding this subject. I was married for 20 years, 2 children, pets, the normal family relationship and loved it. My husband passed away. The first person I dated a few years later was rather ambivalent about being in a relationship, he wanted to have separate places and see each other when we could and I just didn't understand it at that time. I spent quite a bit of useless time trying to make him understand that living together would be a good thing. LOL..I never did achieve that goal. Then after my most recent failed relationship with someone who seemed to think that he had the 3 R's totally under control (Rest, Relaxation & Reading!) but no work ethic at home and a monopolistic attitude about my time, I changed my tune.
Now I find that I'm either very ambivalent about wanting to be in a relationship, for many of the reasons that have already been posted. No more mess in my home, don't have to report to anyone, can go do whatever I want, whenever I want...I also vascillate between am I ambivalent or just plain scared that I'm finding the place that I'm in right now "Safe" or perhaps won't find the right person for me? I do know that if I decide that I want a relationship in my life again it will be a very loooong time before that person will be allowed to live with me. There is much I need to learn about the person, such as outlook on life, living habits, etc, and it takes quite awhile before those qualities emerge, or at least it did the last time (3.5 yrs)....So I guess rather than say that I'm ambivalent about including someone in my life I guess I'm gun shy and haven't found Mr. Right yet. Being in a relationship should mean that each of the people should allow some wind beneath their wings to allow each other the freedom to enjoy the things they need to singly. Whether it's downtime alone or time spent with friends. I hope that person is out there somewhere. I'm not into casual sexual relationships...I don't think. But maybe at my age that's all that others are looking for.

Oh boy this is me! I admit it. I was secretly relieved when my husband was having an affair and I asked him to move out. That was 10 years ago and I still vividly remember thinking I am so glad that I don't have to negotiate, discuss, compromise, debate, decide with him on a daily basis about anything I'd like to do, eat, purchase, wear, go, wake, sleep, vacation or talk with, etc. I raised my two boys which was chaotic, noisy and full of teenage angst but my youngest just moved out 4 months ago and the solitude is divine when I come home and my house is still clean and I have a happy calm dog wagging her tail. In regard to relationships, I had a 4 year one just end 7 months ago and that hasbeen very painful for me. What worked for me was that his houseis just 10 blocks away, so we didn't sleep over night at each others place. He snores and I am restlessfrequentlyturning on the light to read at 3am. My counselor said that we were both ambivalent about the relationship and I always thought of it as a defect until i read everyones comments. He broke up with me after aschool reunion weekend connected him to highschool chum...ouch. Interestingly enough, she lives 45 miles away in another town so they just see each other on weekends, so the failure of our relationship wasn't about spending all of our time together. I was comfortable in our level of commitment and arrangement but it seems unlikely to find somebody I like as much as him with a similiar arrangement again.Unfortunately we work at the same firm, so its been hard to heal having to see him and keep smiling on a regular basis. I sometimes just come home and crawl into my bed with my wonder dog and wail and cry into my pillow grieving all my feelings of loss. Ambivalent? yea I think so. Its just what this successful 53 year old menopausal professional woman is and I'm OK as I am.