A Mars Venus Guide: Dating Do's and Don'ts for Women
John Gray is the author of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. Originally published in 1992, Gray’s book became the best-selling relationship advice book of all time. with over 15-million copies sold worldwide and translated into over 90 languages. That book was followed by fourteen others, including Mars and Venus on a Date, and Mars and Venus Starting Over.
I use a recurring metaphor in my relationship advice: that communication issues arise between men and women because they don’t understand each other’s languages—almost as if they are from different planets.
Since a first date is where a woman and a man first attempt to learn each other’s lingo, it’s also where many relationships go off-kilter, where the first misunderstandings and misperceptions are formed.
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Can these mishaps be avoided? Of course. Let me give you some specific examples:
1. Compliment him.
Let’s set our imaginary date at a nice restaurant that the guy has chosen for the first official date. By nice I don’t mean the town’s very best restaurant, just a comfortable place where he has probably gone and had a good meal before.
If a woman says that her dish is, for example, too salty, she will think nothing of talking negatively about the food, or even extend the conversation about why the kitchen staff is not more careful in their use of spices. If it were two women sharing an evening out, complaining about the food or service is perfectly fine, because talking about problems is a bonding experience on Venus. However on Mars, men tie their egos to the choices they make. This is never truer than in the case of a restaurant that they have chosen. Now if on the other hand, a woman says, “Wow this place is a real find! I love the way they do their chicken….” In a man’s mind, he’s scored major points. It’s as if he went into the kitchen and cooked that meal himself.
It may sound a little odd to a woman that a man would take such pride in the choices that he makes. But keep in mind: he is so intent on pleasing and impressing—on a first date particularly—that he simply cannot separate his date’s approval of him from her approval of the choices that he makes.
This is true if the date continues on to a movie, a concert, or any other event. To him, the experience she has determines how she feels about him and their time together.
2. Draw him out, but don’t leave him hanging.
The old advice, passed along from mothers to daughters, was that, typically, on a first date you should get him to talk about himself. You must have already noticed that, in most cases, that goes against the grain; that as a general rule, men are better at listening than speaking. Now of course, that is not to suggest that a woman show no curiosity about his life or his interests. The point is not to leave the burden of carrying a conversation on his shoulders because there is a good chance that will lead to a series of uncomfortable moments where he is just not sure what to say.
You can see this Martian/Venusian communication gap for yourself. Take a party with five couples. Often you’ll see the males gravitate to a TV set and they bond, mostly in silence, by watching a game together. Meanwhile the women will be busy in conversation over a dozen different topics.
On a first date especially, a woman should not attempt to test a man’s verbal skills, because they’ll come up short—and he’ll know that. This leaves him with the feeling that the date was not a success.
3. Keep it light, bright and gay.
While a woman wants to anticipate carrying the conversation, she should be careful not to focus on negative past experiences—particularly in dating. Males project themselves into situations that they hear about; so when a woman shares her past relationship disappointments, the guy may nod empathetically, but all the time he is thinking, “That sounds like me!”
Additionally, women should not look to use men as sounding boards. The natural instinct on Mars is to solve problems. Venusians share and empathize. Martians communicate with the aim of problem solving or impressing upon one another their unique point of view. That’s why men will so often ask in wonderment, “If you didn’t want my help, why did you tell me about this in the first place.” In other words, sharing for the sake of sharing is an alien concept on Mars.
In summary, a woman’s intention on a first, second, or third date is to be upbeat and positive. Do let him know that he can succeed in making you happy. Don’t make him feel tested or challenged. Whenever possible, do praise his choices, and don’t be critical based on some simplistic notion that “honesty is always the best policy.” Don’t place a boyfriend in the role of a girl friend. You’re not looking for another gal pal. You’re looking for Mr. Right.
The bottom line: Make it an experience you both enjoy.
If you want the relationship to blossom, be sure to let him know that he is capable of pleasing you. Success brings men back. If he gets the impression that he cannot please you, he’ll continue to look for a woman who he can.
John Gray is the author of the classic bestselling relationship advice book, MEN ARE FROM MARS, WOMEN ARE FROM VENUS. Visit his website, www.marsvenusliving.com, for advice on dating, marriage, divorce, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or email him at Comments@marsvenusliving.com
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Mr_Right
July 4,2011 at 03:36 amWho knows even if the season will start this year.
And what the heck is mauve.
matukamor
July 3,2011 at 05:39 pmI think the book is a very good general guide for starting out on the right foot. At the same time I have met alot of men that like a woman to be a little challenging and feisty, and that makes them more like men rather than being with a women who doesn't express herself and just goes along without giving her opinion....it just depends.
Everybody is different.
But I think both people have to be a little more careful the first few meetings because that's where it all starts and/or ends :)
I was happy to learn that it's better to let the man do things for you and that it makes him happy to do so....I was brought up to do everything myself and not to rely on anyone because I didn't have a dad around to do things...so it's helpful.
Many women I know think it's wrong to make it seem as if it's the woman who has to change to accommodate the man and that the book makes it seem there is something wrong with women. I don't see it that way, I think as a species we need to reestablish the balance between masuline & feminine ways of interacting. Our whole society is masculine oriented - war, economy, winning, goals, etc..
It's good that we allow them to take care of us and make sure they take time to be more respectful of women and to take intimacy more seriously. It's better for them as well.
Since I read the book I now use it to observe my interactions with men and their reactions, even men who are friends and even my brother. Yes, men are sensitive to rejection, and that can come in many forms but if a woman becomes more "discerning" (word from Gray) then she will be wise to what kind of a guy he is. Maybe he really is too insecure, or maybe he really is a big baby. But not all guys will be and she will have given both parties a chance to see eachother more clearly.
I met a guy recently, and we had a long 1 day date that was quite nice, but he was already acting in a presumptuous way, thinking I
am ready to jump in the bed with him and that we are already together. He's very sweet, but when i push him away I can see
that he gets upset...I think he really likes me and will not use me,
but if I don't want to go so fast and he doesn't understand....what
can I do?? That's the way he expresses himself....sex first. It's not
bad, but if you follow the book, then it seems to say that if a woman goes along, there will be problems later.
So I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you are ultimately looking for. If you're not necessarily thinking in terms of long term and/or marriage then you might not mind to just go with the flow and
have a nice relationship with someone. But if you want a soulmate it's different. So I like the book because it has made plain to me things of which I was only slight aware of.
ARareJewel
April 27,2010 at 07:55 amI believe a man wants, and needs to feel comfortable with the woman he is with and the same can be said for a woman in a relationship. True, all relationships do take work but, a man doesn't want to feel he has to work all the time when in a good relationship, the relationship if natural, and comfortable, needs to care for both the man and the woman as if the relationship is being driven by a natraul current, like a current in a river bed, sure, there are a few rocks and stones along the way but because the current runs so smoothly it has learnt over time how to bend and turn were these rocks and stones pop up along its journey, just as we do in a comfortable relationship.
DancingFool
July 16,2009 at 08:16 amPerhaps it's failure that causes people to think and analyze and search for answers. When things are right or come easy we generally do not sit around and think about why that is so.
fakecubed
July 16,2009 at 07:53 amIgnorance is bliss, too :p
I'm not really serious though, just having a bit of fun with your post. It does amuse me how often dating "experts" have terrible luck in their own relationships. What John Gray says rings true, however.
IcecreamMoon
July 16,2009 at 07:29 amBut the sooner you find out, the sooner you can move on with your life, heal that wound, and then find someone whom you'll hopefully love, rather than hate, and who will make it all feel much, much better :p
fakecubed
July 16,2009 at 07:08 amSometimes you don't really want to communicate better, because then you find out you hate your spouse :p
IcecreamMoon
July 16,2009 at 07:00 amDo you think you could ask Dr. John for some personal advice on how to have 2 failed marriages and still write books about successful relationships and communication techniques? :rolleyes:
It might take a while to reach him (he's a very busy man from what I hear), so in the meantime I would recommend to contact his eHA representative Dr. Harvey7 :cool:
What do you think?
fakecubed
July 16,2009 at 06:51 amI agree. Men absolutely speak in grunts to each other, and we know it. If there's a perceived pressure to perform verbally, the guy panics because he wants to impress, but knows he can't meet the impossible standard that's mostly in his own mind.
It's partly that women talk just to talk, and don't realize that when they talk to a man, he's desperately trying to figure out why she's talking, and just wants to fix the problem. It leads to plenty of miscommunication and friction in relationships. The woman says "you didn't do *blah*, and that makes me feel *blah* and I want you to understand how I feel" and the guy hears "you need to do *blah* more often, and you're a failure because of it". Guys aren't too good at empathizing, and they definitely don't understand what women are saying, they just want to fix the problem so the woman likes him again. The woman doesn't get the "I feel what you feel" response she's wanting, and the guy feels like he's being nagged. Not good.
Men take pride in pleasing a date, because generally the way things work is women are the selectors in a relationship, and men are trying to impress women, not the other way around. We can argue about why that is forever, I'm sure, but evolutionarily, mating for a female is a 9 month commitment, but in that time a male can produce hundreds of children, it shouldn't be surprising who's more selective. Anyway, the pressure is on to impress. Especially at the start of a relationship, the guy is going to be putting in a lot (at least what he considers a lot) of effort into his little plans and plots to make the woman like him. Every minor complaint by the female is going to be seen by the guy as a fatal flaw in his plan. Women may be talking about how their chicken is too salty as if it's a problem with the restaurant, and wants the guy to empathize, but basically he's thinking you don't like him, and now his stress level is shooting through the roof because his male brain doesn't think he'll fulfill his genetic imperative to mate now. (On the other hand, if the guy's complaining about his food, what he's really saying is "don't blame me! please still like me!")
We can toss as much rational intelligence on top of dating as we want, but there is nothing more primal than the mating dance, and some things you just can't change about how people perceive events on a date. So ladies, have some mercy on our poor egos and keep things positive. Don't like the salty chicken? Talk about how good some other aspect of your food is, or the ambiance of the restaurant, or how smart he was for getting a reservation ahead of time instead of waiting in line out the door for a table. Chances are the guy isn't really paying much attention anyway, what he's really looking for is clues that you approve or disapprove of him, so he can alter his plans accordingly, and provided you don't put him on the spot, he'll probably be pretty comfortable if you're not criticizing the chef or waiter. We've got all these new social structures and arrangements set up, but when a guy picks a restaurant out and plans a date, it's basically the same process of going out and clubbing a gazelle and dragging it back to the cave.
Do I rationalize these kinds of subconscious things away? I'd sure like to think we're above it. But tens of thousands of years of human evolution has programmed males to respond to a woman's reactions in certain ways, and millions more years of animal mating behavior follow the same basic patterns. It ups the tension and it makes us feel like failures when a woman appears unimpressed by our efforts (or we think she will be based on her expectations). Nervous people don't enjoy their dates, and that means bad things for a burgeoning relationship. So men are insecure in the initial stages of dating. Should we be offended by or ashamed of it? Considering it's programmed into our genes since the dawn of time, I don't really think so. If we can recognize these primal forces though, we can hopefully learn to compensate, avoid disappointing each other or making each other nervous, and hopefully have better dates and relationships all around.
anniej
July 16,2009 at 05:46 amWhat's the advice for meeting for the first time when you are communicating by long distance and a first date may be months away?
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