When You're the Heartbreaker
Every broken heart has a heartbreaker. You may not want to admit it, but it’s true. It’s also true that some heartbreakers are more graceful than others. But how do you spurn someone gracefully? There’s no easy answer, but we want to offer a word of advice that seems to have helped many who want to sever the ties to a romance without shattering the other person’s heart. The advice? Make it a clean break.
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The best approach is to be honest and direct. That doesn’t mean you say your piece and disappear like the Lone Ranger. But it does mean you send a clear message: This romantic relationship is over. The key is to communicate this message in the context of compassion. How do you do this? First of all, communicate it in person. That may sound obvious, but you might be surprised how many people say “good-bye” on the phone, sometimes even through an answering machine. We know of one relationship where the heartbreaker actually had his sister tell his girlfriend the relationship had ended. If you have any decency, you can’t break up by absentee ballot. So to make a clean break, be honest and be present.
Being honest, by the way, is not the same as being brutal. We’ve known some heartbreakers who were downright mean. Wishing they could close their eyes and make the relationship go away, they lost all sense of common courtesy and pointed out every frailty the other person ever had. On the other end of the heartbreak continuum are those who sugarcoat the rejection with conciliatory words. They send mixed messages, saying to the unwanted person something like, “I really like our relationship, but it’s moving so fast and I just want to enjoy a good friendship before we rush into anything.” Translation: “I’m not interested in you for a romantic relationship, so it’s over.” The problem with being so conciliatory is that the other person will never really hear what you want them to hear. They will read into your nice words a lot of hope for your future together. The would-be ex seizes on the positive side of the message and disregards what you intended them to hear. If you are going to make a clean break, you can still be gentle but you’ve got to be honest. Begin by telling the person what you like and appreciate about them. Point out their strengths and what drew you to them in the beginning. Express what you like about your relationship in general. Confess your difficulty in what you are about to tell them and then say it straight out: “I want to break up.” Explain your reasons for ending the romance in terms of your own values, rather than pointing out what you think is wrong with the other person. Don’t make promises you can’t keep. Don’t say, for example, that you want to remain “good friends” when you know that isn’t likely. While some couples can break up and remain friends, it’s rare. Planting that idea during a breakup can lead the other person, and possibly yourself, to expect too much from one another.
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38 Comments View this thread in our community
Joley
November 28,2011 at 01:34 amSeeking for a man who is sincerly interested in making a long term relationship with someone at my age. Life has just truly started for me and it would be nice to travel the journey with someone compatible emotionally, physically and spiritually.
Joley
November 28,2011 at 01:40 amOMG I have posted my comment on the inappropriate place!! Sorry folks... was trying to register and I guess I have taken it for granted thinking this section is part of the process...and I have no idea how to delete it...apologies.
RoxasHughes
November 24,2010 at 12:55 pmtry talking to someone for a week, have an online date (since you live far away) and him decide in on night that he wants to marry you and everything... then turn around and keep telling you you're going to leave him every 10 minutes! I couldn't take it...
rare_flower
October 14,2010 at 02:19 pmAt the beginning of this year I started dating this guy I met in a social group. It all happened suddenly and I wasn't sure how I really felt about him, although he was really into me. I spoke to him frankly about this, but I agreed to give it a try and take it slowly; we barely knew each other but whenever we met on a social he was always very nice.
However after a few dates I realized it wasn't working for me: he was always lovey-dovey and kissing etc., but I felt uncomfortable with this as I could not reciprocate - my feelings were not the same. The other thing was that I found him quite bland - different things work for different people in relationships. With me there has to be some chemistry and spark. A month in I told him how I felt and thought it was better that we just remained friends. I didn't think it was fair on either of us to perpetuate a 'relationship' where I did not feel the same way he did and could not give him affection. I was surprised how badly he took it, considering it was only a month and we barely knew each other (how attached can you get in that time?) and we had that conversation about taking it slowly. I offered to talk more about it with him but he didn't want to know and has been avoiding meeting me on socials ever since.
10 months on and he's started to get nasty. I wouldn't care, but unfortunately we have friends in common and live in the same small city. After seeing his nasty side, I have given up all hope of reconciliation and now want nothing to do with him. But friends tell me I should talk with him, main reason being that social meetings are incredibly awkward. I understand this, but I don't see why I should reward his recent behavior and since we hardly knew each other anyway, what is there to save? The worst is that because everybody thinks he's a great guy nobody can see how he's behaving, especially since I'm the one who dumped him.
Any advice? Would you try to reconcile?
Mickey275
December 18,2009 at 12:21 pmMtraveler, are you sure he was pushing too hard, too fast, or were you giving out "buying signals" that he interpreted as saying "green light?" Did you somehow invite his advances, knowingly or unknowlingly?
Mickey275
December 18,2009 at 12:19 pmIt's simple: just be honest with the other person and treat them exactly how you would like to be treated if the shoe was on the other foot. If you don't have the maturity to do that, you should NOT be dating in the first place.
PfeiferKP
May 18,2009 at 01:23 pmI am in a dating relationship where the expectations are building, but my partner cannot tell me where she thinks the relationship might be heading. We have been dating for about a year, and I want to know. She got mad when I asked; she just wants to maintain the status quo. We started our relationship agreeing to just date for a while. But, it is now getting comfortable. I think we are taking each other for granted. I have to be honest: I really like spending time with her, but there have been a few flags and I do not feel like this is heading anywhere for me long term. It is causing me to think about dating someone else. But I do not feel good about doing this behind her back. I am thinking I need to break it off, but I am scared by how she might react. Any suggestions?
mtraveler
June 2,2008 at 06:16 amAny suggestions for how to break it off after the first date and you've agreed to a second? I agreed to a second date before the first date ended. Things were going great, then he wanted to engage in a makeout session...a little fast for a first date (I think). I now don't have such a good feeling about him, and want to tell him I have changed my mind about a second date. There are some areas where we don't necessarily agree, such as politics and religious background, which I value as important. I thought about using those as reasons. I just don't want to be mean, he was a nice guy, but made me really uncomfortable at the end of the date.
haruo
January 17,2008 at 05:46 pmHi Denah:
Trust me, he isnt' worth getting stressed over. Find someone more compatible. There are so many single men in your city that are compatible. Keep searching.
from Haruo
haruo
January 17,2008 at 05:42 pmHi Sharon:
Breaking up with ex-boyfriends, you are better off departing and not being friends. At least he will try to search for someone else. Unfortunately for you, your exboyfriend was not able to deal with the situation. There are so many single men and women in this world, there is a match for all of us. Adults should be mature about it and just split and go on with their individual lives. Less stress and more fun.
from Haruo
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