Forgiveness....to the Tenth Power...asking a bit much?


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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #1  October 27,2010, 4:38pm
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My niece was murdered by her ex-fiance this past August.

She was six months pregnant ( her ex-fiance's child) and she had a toddler (from a previous relationship).

He beat her to death, threw an accelerant on her (we later found out it was nail polish remover) and then threw a candle on her lifeless body and caused a fire to cover up his crime. She died...as well as the toddler. They found the toddler under the bed upstairs, barely breathing....rushed him to the hospital...but he died minutes later.

The family is planning an 'intervention'...he has confessed to the crime, but the family wants to sit with him and ask him why he did this...get him to confess his sins to God...and then forgive him. I have been asked to attend (this is my niece by marriage...my ex-husband's brother's child....but I have always stayed close to all my nieces and nephews after the divorce and never made a distinction between 'blood'/non-blood relatives, and have always seen my ex-husband's family as my own...and vice versa)

Though I have always been leaned on as the calm. reasonable one... I am still very angry about this...

I am not in a 'good place' mentally and emotionally to attend this intervention...and feel that I would ruin the good intentions of the intervention.

While I respect the intention....I just wanna punch this guy in the face...literally. This is not me...I do not have a confrontational or mean-spirited bone in my body. I'm more of a "Do unto others as I would have done to myself" person...which sorta keeps me on the straight and narrow. I am far from perfect, but I make a strong effort everyday to let things/people that upset me go...and try to ignore negativity.....but I feel I have changed as person since this happened.

I am afraid to go...but embarrassed to refuse.

What would you do if you were in my position? Would you go...would you refuse?

As a Christian... who believes in forgiveness ...can I refuse?

I am truly lost and need some help here...


Thanx all in advance for your help and guidance. I was going to post this in the Everything Else forum, but I thought I might need a less secular opinion.
 
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newbie40something is offline newbie40something Post #2  October 27,2010, 5:18pm
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Legend,

First, I am really, really sorry your family had to experience this horrible thing.

Second, I still consider nieces and nephews from my previous marriage family.

Third, it happened very recently.

Couple of questions. Is he in jail? You said he confessed. If so, is the intervention going to take place there? Does the family believe that if he confesses his sins to God that he will be sincere? Do they believe that the only way to forgive him would be if he confesses his sins to God? In my opinion, sincerely confessing his sins to God is for his benefit, to be forgiven by God, not his family. They have to find their own way to forgive him, if it is what they choose. If you choose to forgive, then you have to find your own way.

In any event, I don't think that is going to help you either way. You're not ready for this type of thing. The intervention, I mean.May never be ready for it. In my opinion, I don't think you should go. You need to deal with this in your own way and you should be able to do so. Don't worry about being embarrased. It's not about embarrasment.

This was a horrific thing that occurred and I am sure you know you may need some counseling. As well as the rest of the family.

I know a little about the shock of something like this. My best friend's sister was murdered some time ago. Her throat was slashed and she was stabbed over 40 times, so it was similar in the violence. The shock was numbing to me. I still think about it all the time. In fact, recently heard some local politicians were rallying for the release of the murderer. His family was very well to do and has a lot of connections. I know what the family went through and I have a hard time with that.

You need to trust yourself on this and don't become involved in anything that doesn't feel good to you. It is times like this that it is especially important.

I'll have you in my prayers and thoughts.

Hugs!
Last edited by newbie40something; October 27,2010 at 5:25pm.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  October 27,2010, 5:34pm
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I am so sorry, Legend; I am in tears... Words simply...fail.

It's no comparison, but many years back, I had a cousin whose husband killed her, leaving their two children.

Forgiveness...is a hard thing to come by, for an Injustice so great as this.

If I were you..."embarrassed to refuse"...I would go; "the calm, reasonable one" would not have to participate in questioning him...would she? Couldn't she just sit in the background, taking it all in...a witness, merely?

That is what I would do... My being there (a silent witness) would say nothing about my forgiveness (or lack of it) of this man's sin against so many...

If you go...and if he expresses honest remorse...which, if he loved her, he will (no matter what passed between them in those last moments before she died)...

...if you are witness to his honest remorse...it may be of help to you.

Go with God, Legend. I wish you well.

Again, my inadequate condolences.

j8a
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #4  October 27,2010, 6:05pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I am so sorry, Legend; I am in tears... Words simply...fail.

It's no comparison, but many years back, I had a cousin whose husband killed her, leaving their two children.

Forgiveness...is a hard thing to come by, for an Injustice so great as this.

If I were you..."embarrassed to refuse"...I would go; "the calm, reasonable one" would not have to participate in questioning him...would she? Couldn't she just sit in the background, taking it all in...a witness, merely?

That is what I would do... My being there (a silent witness) would say nothing about my forgiveness (or lack of it) of this man's sin against so many...

If you go...and if he expresses honest remorse...which, if he loved her, he will (no matter what passed between them in those last moments before she died)...

...if you are witness to his honest remorse...it may be of help to you.

Go with God, Legend. I wish you well.

Again, my inadequate condolences.

j8a
TY for your support..I know I need to get over the anger and move towards forgiveness, but this is hard...
Last edited by legend29; October 27,2010 at 6:13pm.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #5  October 27,2010, 6:10pm
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newbie40something wrote :
Legend,

First, I am really, really sorry your family had to experience this horrible thing.

Second, I still consider nieces and nephews from my previous marriage family.

Third, it happened very recently.

Couple of questions. Is he in jail? You said he confessed. If so, is the intervention going to take place there? Does the family believe that if he confesses his sins to God that he will be sincere? Do they believe that the only way to forgive him would be if he confesses his sins to God? In my opinion, sincerely confessing his sins to God is for his benefit, to be forgiven by God, not his family. They have to find their own way to forgive him, if it is what they choose. If you choose to forgive, then you have to find your own way.

In any event, I don't think that is going to help you either way. You're not ready for this type of thing. The intervention, I mean.May never be ready for it. In my opinion, I don't think you should go. You need to deal with this in your own way and you should be able to do so. Don't worry about being embarrased. It's not about embarrasment.

This was a horrific thing that occurred and I am sure you know you may need some counseling. As well as the rest of the family.

I know a little about the shock of something like this. My best friend's sister was murdered some time ago. Her throat was slashed and she was stabbed over 40 times, so it was similar in the violence. The shock was numbing to me. I still think about it all the time. In fact, recently heard some local politicians were rallying for the release of the murderer. His family was very well to do and has a lot of connections. I know what the family went through and I have a hard time with that.

You need to trust yourself on this and don't become involved in anything that doesn't feel good to you. It is times like this that it is especially important.

I'll have you in my prayers and thoughts.

Hugs!
TY newbie40.....


All I can say is we all need to be a bit kinder...gentler...and hold onto family and friends , cause we never know if and when we will not have the opportunity to see that loved one again...
Last edited by legend29; October 31,2010 at 7:31am. Reason: edited...couldn't stand looking at the photo...
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #6  October 27,2010, 6:11pm
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is upbeat and happy despite the smell of mendacity in the warm spring air!...:)

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Rest in Peace Linda...

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Last edited by legend29; October 31,2010 at 7:32am.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  October 27,2010, 7:10pm
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legend29 wrote :
I know I need to get over the anger and move towards forgiveness, but this is hard...
legend29 wrote :
All I can say is we all need to be a bit kinder...gentler...and hold onto family and friends , cause we never know if and when we will not have the opportunity to see that loved one again...
Forgiveness will come in due time, and the anger will leave...in due time. Meanwhile, you have a right to feel what you feel. You have a right to be you.

Holding onto family and friends is why I suggested going, if you can...for the sake of your husband, whom you loved...and his brother, and your niece, and her children.

Sometimes when we are able to put the focus on another...to serve them in some way, ease their path...

I believe God uses those Opportunities to heal our Hearts, as well.

j8a
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #8  October 27,2010, 7:42pm
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Yes we are called to forgive, but where does it say that it has to be right this very minute. Give yourself some time (a lot of time) to heal. This was truly devastating, and my heart goes out to you.

As well intentioned as the family is, I think they may be trying to force him to be remorseful, and people don't work like that.

You do what is best for you. Handle things in the way that make the most sense for you.

I'm truly sorry this happened, Legend.
 
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TheThinker is offline TheThinker Post #9  October 27,2010, 7:54pm
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My prayers go out you and your family, legend.
I just don't know if I could do it either...bad enough about your niece, but her child..that poor little boy..that is horrible...inhuman even..

I don't know if I could be in the same room with the guy without wanting to strangle him.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #10  October 27,2010, 8:17pm
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Dearest Legend, I am so sorry for your losses and the deep pain you feel.

I need clarification: is it 'just' the ex-fiance's family who will attend the intervention, or yours as well?

Your presence will not ruin the 'good' intentions of the family. You have a right to express your anger. You have a right to be heard. Being really listened to and heard is powerfully healing. The intervention is also an opportunity for you to face and confront him; it might help you to feel that you took steps, as hard as they are, to take care of yourself, your needs, and move a step closer in healing, allowing scar tissue to form, the wound to close even a little tiny bit more, rather than raw and oozing.

Are you close to your niece's mother? It may help to perhaps 'think' of it in terms of honoring your niece and her child; of showing up for THEM. Or you can choose to write a letter and ask that another family member read it aloud for you. Or you could send it directly to him. You may decide you want to see him at a much later time. Or not. You have choices; none is better than another; what matters is that you give yourself what you need. Avoiding what needs to be faced is not what meets our needs.

Interventions are about the entire family being given a voice and an opportunity to express their hurt and share their feelings and to be heard equally. Your'e the only one who knows what you need and what you are ready for and willing to do and give. Trust and honor yourself.

Forgiveness nor confession can be forced; it can only be genuine and real.
 
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