Gods will and sex vs abstinence for older folks


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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #1  November 21,2009, 1:12pm
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Much of the writing about pre-marital sex vs. abstinence is written for teenagers and young adults - those faced with protecting or giving up their virginity.

What about for older folks who are not virgins, have been married before, and are dating one person with a clear goal in mind: marriage.

What are the advantages of NOT having sex - even for older people - who have had a lifetime of marriage sex (and possibly children).

What will be better if they wait? How will waiting affect the relationship dynamics? How will the relationship change if they have sex?

Perhaps one of the challenges is that at one time, they had lots of physical attention for example, from a spouse who died - and so its different than a young virgin - we have known intimacy and are dying for not just the excitement, but the truly deep bond of that special time.

God's will is for us to have "life and have it more abundantly" - how will abstaining accomplish this for an older person?

Also, while I have your attention: what about during engagement? ...what detriment could happen if the people are pledged to each other and even have a date set for a wedding?

Lastly, please expand more on how the relationship is somehow better without sex. WITHOUT sex. How is it better? I ask sincerely!

God says that those who love Him follow His will and obey Him. Here, that becomes very real.

I am particularly looking for comments for people who have been widowed or divorced, and then how sex or abstinance impacted their subsequent relationships.

Seeking Wisdom,
LookinUp
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #2  November 21,2009, 1:41pm
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I'm not particularly wise, and I'm not a christian so my viewpoint may not be what you're looking for.
I am however a widow, have been for almost 5 years, and after being very happily married with an excellent sexual relationship with my husband I had a difficult time not feeling sexual after a few years.
I didn't even start dating for 3 years, then it was casual friendship dates.
About 18 months ago I met a nice guy my age and though our relationship isn't going anywhere (we are both pretty established in our areas and neither wish to move, plus other reasons) we do have a great time in bed together.
I have no idea if he is 'exclusive'. I am not as I have continued to date and had occasion for sex - which was great - and don't plan on having an exclusive relationship with anyone unless he is really really special.

JMO-and having been a happy flower child, loving wife and mother and now a grand mother. I see no reason to be deprived of sex when it's available and enjoyable and keeps me feeling younger and happier.

And I have always had the strong opinion that to marry someone without knowing if you are sexually compatible is like buying a car from a picture of it.

I realize this is a religious board and mean no disrespect..I read here frequently and never post..I read to see ideas and opinions which are different than those I hold but would never come here to argue my personal viewpoint, however the OP asked a question that relates specifically to my situation.

I'm sure the fur will fly now..but I really don't care nor will I defend my viewpoint.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  November 21,2009, 1:45pm
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Well, LookinUp, I've been divorced once, and widowed once. I guess that makes me doubly qualified to post here!

I've never been abstinent, except when I was alone, like now. So I can't speak to the (for me, doubtful) advantages of being so. I'm sure there are some, for those who choose that. No matter their age.

We each have to find our own way in life. Every single one of us has to decide what is right for us. You get to be you. I get to be me. Sometimes our paths cross, magic happens, and sometimes not.

I don't presume to know God's Will. I'm just doing the best I can to find my own.

Now, a question for you, if you don't mind. What happened to your picture? I rather liked it. Don't you think LookinUp should stand out from the crowd somehow? A shadow doesn't really do you justice.....

j8a
 
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #4  November 21,2009, 3:24pm
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Surprisingly candid and real responses. Thanks!

I wonder if someone religious will join in and tell an alternative view - and tell how they lived abstinence in their life - and how it make their later sex life more amazing.

I will weigh in - the wedding night. Short engagement and a very hot wedding night when you have each other for the first time - and youve taken the time of the courtship to get to know each other and youre crazy in love and you trust each other.

And there you are - married - and all over each other.

...that would be amazing. Also, there would be no guilt. It would be very cool. Also, if they really didnt do it with anyone (else) during the engagement - they are not likely to cheat AND both of you will be extra hot to finally be in bed.

....just thinkin'...

That makes me hot - marriage [fanning self]...

ps: J8a - I will find pic of some trees, too : )
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  November 22,2009, 12:27pm
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LookinUp wrote :
I wonder if someone religious will join in and tell an alternative view - and tell how they lived abstinence in their life - and how it make their later sex life more amazing.

...that would be amazing. Also, there would be no guilt. It would be very cool. Also, if they really didnt do it with anyone (else) during the engagement - they are not likely to cheat AND both of you will be extra hot to finally be in bed.

ps: J8a - I will find pic of some trees, too : )
A couple things about those assumptions.

You are assuming that abstinence will lead one to an amazing sex life later. Maybe yes, maybe no. But it's your assumption only. There is no way to put it to the test. One either is abstinent, or one isn't; either way, the later sex life.....is what it is. It's all subjective.

You are assuming guilt is involved in premarital sex. Maybe yes, maybe no. Again, your assumption.

But the biggest error, to my way of thinking, is to assume that because one doesn't cheat during an engagement, it follows they are not likely to do so later. If I were making assumptions, I would assume that people don't usually cheat during an engagement. I wouldn't go any further than that in my assumption, though.

I would hazard a guess that whether or not one cheats at all, ever, has more to do with who that person is inside, with their values and beliefs.....than anything to do with their partner, or how long they've been together.

I just wandered back in here to see if you got the response you wanted from somebody more religious than Roxy and I (too bad you can't pick who posts your threads, huh?), and to see about your pic. Trees are good, I have a couple myself.

j8a
 
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #6  November 22,2009, 8:41pm
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I agree that there are many assumptions in my statements - but then I stated those to try to try to get more people writing. So much for that...lol

Wow - where did all the religious people go? Is everyone dropping their stones and walking away?

I am increasingly aware of my assumptions - thanks for pointing more out.

I read that a person waited, the found out that their new spouse was not very interested in sex - whereas they were chomping at the bit, ready to jump in! I suppose they should have talked to discover their view on this.

Do you talk to your boyfriends BEFORE having sex to discover expectations for the relationship - and about preferences ...or do you just go with the flow.

Im sort of disaapointed that no one has appeared to enourage me to WAIT. ...oh there was another assumption.

Does intent make a difference - if you really love and cherish the person - rather than just wanting to have sex?

What do you think?

ps: I dont need a picture to be special
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #7  November 22,2009, 9:31pm
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LookinUp wrote :
Surprisingly candid and real responses. Thanks!

I wonder if someone religious will join in and tell an alternative view - and tell how they lived abstinence in their life - and how it make their later sex life more amazing.

I will weigh in - the wedding night. Short engagement and a very hot wedding night when you have each other for the first time - and youve taken the time of the courtship to get to know each other and youre crazy in love and you trust each other.

And there you are - married - and all over each other.

...that would be amazing. Also, there would be no guilt. It would be very cool. Also, if they really didnt do it with anyone (else) during the engagement - they are not likely to cheat AND both of you will be extra hot to finally be in bed.

....just thinkin'...

That makes me hot - marriage [fanning self]...

ps: J8a - I will find pic of some trees, too : )
I consider myself religious, but probably not in the same definition that you do.

I don't think you're really looking for a discussion here, but for someone to validate the view you already have... which is that older people should remain abstinent prior to marriage, and that if they do it will be "HOT" on the wedding night.

I think the more likely scenario is that they will find out on the wedding night or after that their sexuality needs/wants are not compatible, and it sure would have been better to find that out before tying the knot.

Also, the assumption that if someone remains faithful during an engagement means that they will stay faithful during a marriage is extremely naive (especially during a short engagement such as the one you described!). The bigger challenge than staying faithful during an engagement is staying faithful years later after the newness of the relationship has worn off.

God is a loving and forgiving God. He//She wants us to be happy. Not every "religious" person believes we ought to live like puritans. Do you really think that if you led a good life, yet slept with your mate prior to marriage, that you would not be let into heaven?
 
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Fleuellen is offline Fleuellen Post #8  November 22,2009, 10:41pm
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Well, the bible does provide the solution that should a woman's hsuband die, then her brother in law must marry her. I can't recall if there is a qulification about whether they have children or not. But I do pray stridently for my brothers long and good health!
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #9  November 22,2009, 11:11pm
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hmm. well, i've got a nasty streak of religiosity. as in, i believe chastity is not only for the unmarried. do i qualify?

anyways, i'd say it's hard to talk about "advantages." being religious is, to my mind, all about turning your whole life into an act of worship. it's about a certain selflessness; advantages are about the self. although, it must be said that living your life that way has an advantage of bringing immense joy (which is a little different from mere pleasure).

i would think, in general, it might be easier for older, experienced people to be chaste. you've got more than theory to go on, and know better what sex does and doesn't bring.

my favourite chastity-movement maxim is "save intimacy for extraordinary moments."

i also truly like the sentiment embedded in the wedding vow, "with my body i thee worship, with my soul i thee wed."
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #10  November 23,2009, 6:04am
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What?!? You think married people should be chaste too? I'll bet that goes over really well with the guys!

I would think, in general, it would be more difficult for experienced people to be chaste. They know the joy that an intimate sexual relationship with their partner can bring, and know that life is better with it than without it.

The OP asked how a relationship is better WITHOUT sex. I would say... it is not. And I do not believe God requires us to live that way.
 
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