Gods will and sex vs abstinence for older folks


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jm77 is offline jm77 Post #81  September 11,2010, 12:49am
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Well I am a Christian and am divorced so I know of what its like to be married and have sex within marriage. Unfortunately!!!, no we didnt wait and I know it affected our marriage. Biblically marriage is a covenent between a woman and a man and GOD.
I do not plan on making this mistake again, not that theres anything wrong with sex, I personally like it!. I just want to enjoy it to the max with the right person and God will bring that right one if we truly seek Him.
It doesnt say anything about me, its just difficult to stay pure these days with all the sex being shoveled out everywhere. Tv, movies, ads, radio, its just everywhere.
Check out God's laws the Ten Commandments they tell you about sex. God is very adement about the purity of marriage and sex before marriage and it has nothing to do with age. Immoral sex outside of marriage is wrong no matter if your a teen or 60 years old.
How awesome would it be to tell your wife you waited because you loved her and respected her that much to wait. The media tells us the wrong perceptive that its ok no matter what as long as its ok with you both.
That still doesnt change God's rules of waiting for marriage. Check out the following verses, Eph. 5:3, 4:19, Job 31:1, Romans 13:14, Collosians 3:5-6, 1 Corinthians 6:18-20 and 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6.
These verses will give you an idea about how God feels about sex, purity and marriage. This is no joke to God and shouldnt be to us. Yes abstinace is tough but in the long run when I get to it will be beyond measure the pleasure in waiting.
Love and Respect an awesome book by Dr.Emmerson Eggerichs. Read it there are a lot of awesome principles and insight from the Bible and the author to help in maariage.
 
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rix is offline rix Post #82  September 12,2010, 4:39am
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Assuming moral principles exist, and they were established by some law higher than ourselves (barring images of Charlton Heston receiving tablets written in stone by the finger of some deity on a mountaintop); Then, wouldn't such principles of moral law apply to everyone? After all, could one rationally conclude that such principles no longer apply, simply because they are "older?"

I too have been guilty of arguing the subjective angle, contending that we are what our situations hand us, realizing I was frustrated and angry that life did not hand me the picture perfect "American dream"- marry in one's early twenties, have 2.5 kids, two car garage and still building on- Then, somehow contending for "moral superiority" because I managed to hold out longer. However, principles don't change to accommodate our situation, such is the foundation for all rationalizations. If there is a "higher will" and design, then it would apply to both adolescent and adult alike, and older adults could not rightly justify their actions simply on the grounds of being "older."
 
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sarahteibo is offline sarahteibo Post #83  September 14,2010, 5:15am
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I am a Christian and though not divorced, I have an aunt who is divorced and I lived with her long enough to know a few things about older singles
I believe that God’s standards are irrespective of age. So if he says to abstain from sexual relations outside of marriage; that will apply to all regardless of age.

One thing to note about Sex is that it is a covenant between two people. This is because it involves the exchange of blood. Many people do not realize it, but blood is always present in intercourse, usually just in microscopic amounts so you don't notice it. So when you have sex outside of marriage, you are entering a covenant with your partner and everything that is theirs (good or bad) becomes your and vice versa. Hence the disadvantage of having multiple sex partners. To have unprotected sex also means to expose oneself to the risk of an unwanted pregnancy or an STD.

From living with my aunt however, I understood the loneliness one could feel, being alone not having a man around, bearing the burden of raising your kids by yourself, wanting a partner desperately. She was often weighed down by her loneliness, but was able to overcome this by being more involved in her community. She discovered that she had a gift for helping homeless kids, so took in young girls and sponsored their education. This brought more joy and fulfillment to her than she would have enjoyed from sex – the euphoria of which is rather fleeting (not that I have anything against sex)

Regarding your question about having sex while engaged, I will advise that you wait till the time is right. Being engaged does not guarantee a wedding. If for example, (and this happened to someone I know) you got engaged and assumed that marriage was inevitable, started having sex and got pregnant. You tell him and he denies being responsible, arguing that ‘if you had it with him, you could well have had it with anyone’ and breaks off the relationship. What would you do? Note that having life ‘more abundantly’ is not hinged on sex. It means to live a fulfilled life. Remember Jesus wasn’t married and he lived a full and fulfilled life

A relationship is better (before marriage) without sex, because for one, you can trust each other to be true to each other. Also, there will be no guilt or concern about whether or not you are doing something wrong. Thirdly, your relationship will be based on greater values than just sex….because really and truly, in marriage; it is not just about sex.
I hope my answers have helped
Sarah
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thelxpress is offline thelxpress Post #84  September 14,2010, 5:20am

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The Bible says that people should not have sex, period, unless they are married. There is no justification in the Bible for deviating from this behavior, and in fact, Paul wrote the church in Corinth twice because of their behavior.

Whether or not you agree with the Bible or not is entirely up to you, but it is unequivocal with regards to many things, including sex/marriage.
 
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librarybabe is offline librarybabe Post #85  September 15,2010, 7:55am
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LookinUp wrote :
What about for older folks who are not virgins, have been married before, and are dating one person with a clear goal in mind: marriage.

What are the advantages of NOT having sex - even for older people (snip)

What will be better if they wait? How will waiting affect the relationship dynamics? How will the relationship change if they have sex?

(snip) we have known intimacy and are dying for not just the excitement, but the truly deep bond of that special time.

God's will is for us to have "life and have it more abundantly" - how will abstaining accomplish this for an older person?

Also, while I have your attention: what about during engagement? ...what detriment could happen if the people are pledged to each other and even have a date set for a wedding?

Lastly, please expand more on how the relationship is somehow better without sex. WITHOUT sex. How is it better? I ask sincerely!

God says that those who love Him follow His will and obey Him. Here, that becomes very real.

I am particularly looking for comments for people who have been widowed or divorced, and then how sex or abstinance impacted their subsequent relationships.

Seeking Wisdom,
LookinUp
Hi LookinUp. I appreciate your cry for wisdom on this topic. I am newly engaged and struggle with some of these same questions. For those who love God and look to follow His plan for our lives and relationships, these are very important questions to ask God. It is not easy and I don't have all the answers but what I believe I am learning from God during my engagement, I can share.

Our lives that God desires for us to live abundantly have a purpose of growth. We are both body and spirit, and it is easy to focus only on the body's needs. We don't want to overspiritualize and forget the needs of the body as Christians, but I don't find I am in any danger of doing that as an engaged woman who desires her fiancé. (Sorry if that is TMI.) I do sometimes wonder if I think so much about my physical desires that I forget about the importance of cultivating the emotional, mental and spiritual connection of our relationship.

I think the value in waiting to satisfy our desire for that physical love connection is to teach us to connect in other deeper ways, ways that are necessary for every relationship to succeed. We need to be able to talk things out, to laugh with each other, to find a mental connection, to learn to treat each other respectfully and kindly at all times and nurture each other's mind, spirit and body. And yes, the body has needs that are more than just immediately gratifying all the fun sexual zones. How many people have you heard complain that "he/she never touched me except when they wanted sex?" Or were selfish and appreciated a massage, but never offered one in return?

People who are lonely, regardless of whether they have formerly had a satisfying sexual life or not, often think about and long for that very real need to be satisfied and may have trouble focusing on their other needs in a relationship. But if we are interested in finding a relationship that does more than satisfy our sexual needs, a relationship that leads to a happy & satisfying marriage, then it requires looking at the full spectrum of what that relationship is. It also requires learning to love your Beloved in many ways, in being kind, helpful, giving, affirming & encouraging, mentally stimulating, spiritually uplifting, giving gentle touches of love rather than only sexual desire, and spending time really learning who they are and what they like to do.

I don't know what detriments having sex during engagement would be. I believe in God's mercy and forgiveness. And I don't think relationships are better without sex. I do think they are better after learning self-discipline that comes from the Holy Spirit, so that we can learn to love in a more complete way. Then later, when sex is part of the relationship, it is shared more lovingly, less selfishly, and is part of a larger, fuller, stronger relationship, rather than the foundation for it. I believe God's requirements are not just laws that are almost impossible to live up to. I think God knows our deepest needs for true deep bonds in our relationships and looks to teach and discipline both our spirits and bodies to help us to attain the fulfillment of those needs, for both us and for our loved ones.

Learning patience while waiting can help during the time of expressing our love sexually by helping us to be willing to work on making lovemaking a fulfilling experience for both, rather than just quickly rejecting a lover because "we weren't compatible sexually" without taking the time to work through those differences. (I am not speaking of those who worked on this during marriage and failed after much effort/counseling. I'm speaking to all those who claim that we should test drive our partners before marriage to find out if we are compatible sexually, as if this is one thing in life that has to just fall together without any work and compromise.)

Lastly, I think our relationships are better for waiting because if we truly want to have the abundant life God desires for us, we want a fulfilling relationship with God. His plan is that our human relationships should aspire to reflect our relationship with Him. We will fail often, but that is part of our goal. I want my relationship with God to be more than one-sided: He makes me happy, He blesses me and gives me joy. I want God to enjoy being with me as well, for Him to know that I come to be with Him because I love Him,not just that I came to Him to ask Him to gratify my desires and needs. Our life becomes abundant when we live it the way He asks us to. Jesus said more than he wanted us to have an abundant life, but that He came that we might have it. His life is a reflection both of the self-sacrificing love He has for us, but also the example of love He calls us to live through His enabling strength. Living our life in the abundant way He is calling us to, brings us closer to Him, to trust and love Him more.
 
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Avalon1k is offline Avalon1k Post #86  September 16,2010, 9:09pm
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I think we as a culture have lost the fear and respect for God. Last night at Bible study we listened to some recordings of some old style preachers and it was quite different than what comes from most pulpits today. Here's where I stand:

God said to wait...so I will wait. This life is not about me it's about Him and His glory. I want to do what He wants from now on...I tried it my way and my life was not blessed.
 
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Milliwog is offline Milliwog Post #87  September 16,2010, 9:42pm
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God said to wait...so I will wait. This life is not about me it's about Him and His glory. I want to do what He wants from now on...I tried it my way and my life was not blessed.[/quote]

Amen to what you said! We get to choose what we want to do- we also have to live with the consequences- whatever they may be.
 
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WyoCalGirl is offline WyoCalGirl Post #88  October 17,2010, 10:47am
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Being a Christian, single, and abstinent at 52, I think I can weigh in on this one with no problem! Before I rededicated my life to the Lord, I was quite active sexually. If it felt good, I did it. But, it also didn't fill the empty hole in my heart--that God-sized hole that we are all born with. Most of us will try and fill that hole with drinking, work, sex, women or men, drugs, hobbies, etc. Which is what I did by looking to men to fill that empty hole, which of course they couldn't do. That is why it is a God-sized hole...only He can fill it!

Now, what a lot of non-Christians don't understand is that Biblical principles aren't there to hurt or limit you; they are there to help you and keep you safe. Boundaries are good, not bad. They keep sheep in, wolves out. Fences make for great neighbors. Lines on the road keep you on the right side and out of the way of oncoming traffic, and so on. For example, why don't you let your kids play in the streets? Because it is dangerous ... and they might get hit by a car, right?

God isn't being mean by saying that you can't have sex outside of marriage, he is protecting you from a myriad of complications. Once I rededicated my life to the Lord and began to live by Biblical principles, I realized that sex outside of marriage wasn't just wrong because God said it for my own good; it was unhealthy and and risky behavior. God our Father, is keeping us from playing in the street. His Fatherly rules are there to keep us safe and add to our life, not to detract from it.

When you are abstinent, you don't have to worry about unwanted pregnancies, sexually-transmitted diseases (it is predicted that by 2025, 40% of men and 50% of women could be infected with genital herpes and that is just one disease), competition from multiple partners, increased urinary tract infections, many forms of cancer, and the embarrassment of realizing you made a huge mistake with one person in the middle of the act. I could go on and on.

Each time you have sex with someone, you are giving a little bit of yourself to that person and creating what is called a soul-tie with them. In reality, that which you have been giving to just anyone rightfully belongs to the person that you one day marry. When you finally do marry, your bed is crowded with multiple partners when there should only be two people. The person that God has for you--that He knows will bring you happiness--will come through the front door of your heart, with God himself standing there giving His approval, and will not try and sneak in the bedroom window under the cover of darkness.

How many of you like receiving already-opened Christmas gifts? How about the white elephant game you play at the office with gifts you already received but didn't want once you had opened them? To me it is the same way with sex. I personally want an unopened present, one that has been picked especially for me, and hasn't been used by anyone else!

I am willing to wait for the right man who has been willing to wait for me. That way, when we finally consummate our marriage, it will be incredible and I will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am truly his one and only, and there will be no ghosts in our bed, diseases, or regrets. I won't be competing with anyone, wondering how I compare to them. And that is what God intends for all of us, because He loves us and has our best interests at heart, always. I have this deep in my spirit. I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. God can never stop doing good to me. Therefore, I choose to trust Him above the cajoling promises of a mere man who just wants to have his fun without the commitment.

As to Roxy’s comparison that to marry someone without knowing if you are sexually compatible is like buying a car from a picture of it … well, buying a car from a picture affords you the opportunity to study the specifications, and make inquiries about its performance, preparing for its arrival, and having the pride of being its only owner. At least you know it is your car, with no dents or scratches, it hasn’t been mistreated, driven hard and put away dirty. Infinitely preferable to second-hand goods, unless you are thrift store shopping for clothes. Then it is okay.



Hope this helps!
 
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bdea is offline bdea Post #89  October 30,2010, 10:27pm
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I was married for almost ten years, and now have been divorced for over five. God desires us to stay pure outside of marriage for our own benifit and protection. Men and women alike can not assume when the person whom they adore says "I love you, and I want to marry you" that they will follow though. Relationships are a lot of work and take real commitment and time to maintain. If a follower of Christ is unwilling to sacrafice their sexual desires untill after a marriage covenant is obtained, then I'm not sure they are ready for the blessings or battles that lay ahead in their relationship together. May God be true and every man (person) a lier. God's ways are not our ways. Praise the Lord that He is holding the world together, and not us.
 
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AbuKahn is offline AbuKahn Post #90  December 15,2010, 9:02am
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LookinUp wrote :
Much of the writing about pre-marital sex vs. abstinence is written for teenagers and young adults - those faced with protecting or giving up their virginity.

What about for older folks who are not virgins, have been married before, and are dating one person with a clear goal in mind: marriage.

What are the advantages of NOT having sex - even for older people - who have had a lifetime of marriage sex (and possibly children).

What will be better if they wait? How will waiting affect the relationship dynamics? How will the relationship change if they have sex?

Perhaps one of the challenges is that at one time, they had lots of physical attention for example, from a spouse who died - and so its different than a young virgin - we have known intimacy and are dying for not just the excitement, but the truly deep bond of that special time.

God's will is for us to have "life and have it more abundantly" - how will abstaining accomplish this for an older person?

Also, while I have your attention: what about during engagement? ...what detriment could happen if the people are pledged to each other and even have a date set for a wedding?

Lastly, please expand more on how the relationship is somehow better without sex. WITHOUT sex. How is it better? I ask sincerely!

God says that those who love Him follow His will and obey Him. Here, that becomes very real.

I am particularly looking for comments for people who have been widowed or divorced, and then how sex or abstinance impacted their subsequent relationships.

Seeking Wisdom,
LookinUp
I'll try to be brief. I am very religious. I was widowed a year ago after 44-1/2 years of marriage. I met, on eHarmony, a very religious woman who had also been widowed less than 2 years after 20+ years of marriage. What we found in each other was an amazing matchup of what we were looking for in another person, religiously, socially, relationship, a caring person, shared values, and just about everything else you can name. We ended up having sex on the first date, the second day we didn't spend together, but we have spent every night since together. We are now engaged, living together, and deliriously happy. We'll be married in 2011. Oh, another shared area is our mutual love of having sex. Every day if we can. And, we believe that our spouses got together in heaven with God and we were brought together with His blessing. Our priest commented to me that "it is good that you have recognized God's will!" From our first meeting, everything has "seemed right" and that is what many who are also religious have said to us. We are both Sr citizens, I have been retired for a while and she retires in less than a year. We are looking forward to a long life together with lots of sex - more than once a day. Never did we feel that we needed to wait for sex. Neither of us have ever felt that our spouses are anything but happy for us. We have each felt the presense of our late spouses at various times. So, count me in the camp of "it is OK for older people to have sex without guilt."

Howard
 
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