WHAT ABOUT "ME"? Marriage: two become one?


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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #1  November 6,2009, 9:07pm
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How do we keep our identity when we become married? How much do we give up? Do we maintain our old friends? Do we dedicate our time for togetherness? Or do we keep our outside support network and interests?

What if I as man, want to keep hanging out with my guy friends, keep my golf times, take extra (optional) work trips. That I love what I do for a living.

With your reponse in mind, especially if you are a woman - and Im a guy writing this - turn the tables - a woman telling this to me. lol anything different?

The Bible says: ’‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

is there room for selfishness where two become one?
Last edited by LookinUp; November 14,2009 at 10:06pm.
 
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #2  November 6,2009, 9:11pm
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Think about it!

While i agree that not all happiness should be based on one human, it seems to me that its inevitable that the two becoming one will also have intertwined and interdependent happiness.
Last edited by LookinUp; November 7,2009 at 11:46pm.
 
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #3  November 6,2009, 9:25pm
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And then this, which seems to point to both husband and wife focusing on making each other happy:

"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord’s affairs—how he can please the Lord. 33But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— 34and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord’s affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband."

How much of our individual identity can we keep? I am talking about a committed relationship leading to marriage.
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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #4  November 7,2009, 11:48pm
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anyone?
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #5  November 8,2009, 12:41am
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I truly don't know.

Loss of self, identity - is the number one scare factor for me in relationships. Probably because there appears to be a tendency for the women in my family to become so engrossed in her man that she gives way her interests and priorities and adopts his. Not theirs. His.

I don't believe I could do that. I know I don't want to do that. I would like there to be separate interests on both our parts and also common interests.

I consider it unhealthy for me to have my happiness pinned solely on my husband (no, I'm not married). I think you are right in that the couple should draw happiness from each other, self and outside interests which do not harm the relationship.
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #6  November 8,2009, 1:36am
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i think, clearly, you have to have an investment as an individual in being a marriage-sort-of-person. you have to be the sort of person for whom happiness comes from making a schedule that accommodates for other people.
 
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winn is offline winn Post #7  November 8,2009, 3:01am

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Having had a happy marriage that was biblically based, I can say without a doubt that you can become one in a marriage without losing your identity. In fact, the moment you lose your identity in a marriage, I don't believe you capable of fulfilling that one aspect of marriage. Having a set of friends separate from your spouse or havbing your own hobbies and interests actually enriches the marriage because it enriches the person you are so that you can better give to that marriage and make it a true one kind of relationship. Example: I loved to cross stitch and garden and quilt, read and a variety of other things. I belonged to a quilting group that met once a month. I also took book keeping courses, psychology and educational psychology courses and went walking regularly and out for coffee with a group of girlfriends. I did this along with being a wife, mother and house keeper (cooking, laundry, housecleaning, etc.). Taking me out of my usual duties of a wife and mother and taking care of the home made me feel better about myself,, more fulfilled and happier so that when I related to my husband, I had a lot more to offer and did not feel like it was a burden to spend time with him or give myself completely to his interests and needs. If I had stayed home all the time, not socialized and not spent time learning new things for myself, I would have had nothing to offer because there would not have been anything extra for me to give. The same thing went for my husband. If he spent time on his hobbies of gardening and wood working and going out with his friends for coffee or a car or truck show, he was a happier man and had more to offer me in terms of self-esteem and a desire to make me happier too. You cannot truly become one unless you are willing to give wholeheartedly to a relationship and you cannot give wholeheartedly to a relationship unless you spend some time developing your own interests, talents and self-sufficiency. You cannot stimulate another unless you are already stimulated. You can't become one in mind if you don't have a mind that's working.
 
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Diann1950 is offline Diann1950 Post #8  November 8,2009, 5:26am
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Winn is right, I made the mistake of surrendering my friends when I married. I thought I was busy enough with the kids, job and house. I did very little outside of those activities, now I am finding that I have to reestablish myself as a person. If I am fortunate enough to marry again I will keep my identity so I have more to give and something to fall back on.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #9  November 8,2009, 6:53am
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.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

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I don't know a single person who gave up themselves when they married! That's a misconception, with a very few exceptions, none of which I happen to know personally.

The mere fact that a married couple can have an argument at all proves they are two people with their own individual viewpoints.

I've been married for most of my adult life. I love the "us" part. To me, it's one of the best things about marriage. That and laying in bed at night, talking in the dark.....

Rather than being Independent, the two become Co-Dependent. That's a good thing!

One can be Co-Dependent on the other half of the "us" and still maintain Individuality. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

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LookinUp is offline LookinUp Post #10  November 9,2009, 2:49pm
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Thank you for your thoughtful replies.
 
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