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HappyandLight HappyandLight is offline
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Looking Up

There are no rules for this and you'll have to find out what you need and what will work for the both of you.

In response to your questions I would say a definite YES to keeping your friends, interests, hobbies...YES YES YES. Keeping your outside interests keeps you interesting and helps give you something to give back to the relationship.

As for your "summer trips in another country" that would be something you would have to work out with your mate. That is an unusual request and I imagine few would be OK with it...but you have to ask. That is a long time to be away and keep a relationship.

It's a balance. There is "I" and "your" time but also "we" time. You'll have to make time for "we" time to keep the relationship alive.
- November 9th, 2009, 11:18 pm
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misswright misswright is online now
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NO iam not married . i feel when you do become one you only loss your identity if you come in to it changing what you started off with .if you did thing with out each other that a plus , their be times that you needyour own space that do not mean that you love each other less and that does not mean that you lose friends, but if they go let them ..long as at the end of the day you can share what new may it be you got to travel in a week.this is where true trust comes in .an you know how co dependent the other is on you... or what ever with each that what matters ..
- November 12th, 2009, 09:59 pm
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acelticsteve acelticsteve is offline
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I don't know a single person who gave up themselves when they married! That's a misconception, with a very few exceptions, none of which I happen to know personally.

The mere fact that a married couple can have an argument at all proves they are two people with their own individual viewpoints.

I've been married for most of my adult life. I love the "us" part. To me, it's one of the best things about marriage. That and laying in bed at night, talking in the dark.....

Rather than being Independent, the two become Co-Dependent. That's a good thing!

One can be Co-Dependent on the other half of the "us" and still maintain Individuality. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

j8a
oops, I had to read that twice to see what you meant. Co-dependent is a condation that comes from liveing with alcoholics and drugadicts. I don't think you ment that.
Interdepend might be closer but not quite.
One post asked about selfishness, the way I see it love focous on the other person, some people are incapable of real love and selfishness is part of it.
I am in a relationship that I hope will lead to marrage, I would not ask he to give up her friends, but I hope they will be my friend too.
- December 2nd, 2009, 02:41 pm
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Nanette Nanette is offline
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LookinUp wrote :
How do we keep our identity when we become married? How much do we give up? Do we maintain our old friends? Do we dedicate our time for togetherness? Or do we keep our outside support network and interests?

What if I as man, want to keep hanging out with my guy friends, keep my golf times, take extra (optional) work trips. That I love what I do for a living.

With your reponse in mind, especially if you are a woman - and Im a guy writing this - turn the tables - a woman telling this to me. lol anything different?

The Bible says: ’‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife,and the two will become one flesh.’So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

is there room for selfishness where two become one?
I wouldn't call it selfishness, but I think that when someone is involved in a relationship that doesn't just involve *you*, its important to know how to compromise your wants, wishes, and desires.

One thing my ex said to me was that he didn't know who he was anymore after he married me. (which kind of creeped me out because its as if he were under some impression that nothing would change -- talk about unrealistic!) I think that people remain (and should remain) who they are in a relationship, but they need to realize that it will involve some change. I knew exactly who I was when I was married to him and it never changed. What did change was that I had to compromise my way of doing things because there was this other person that had a different way of doing some things and it wasn't just all about me.

It might be easy to say I wont give up this, this, and this when I get married, but when you are confronted with that person that you want to spend the rest of your life with it wont be so simple, and you will want to make certain changes because you love them.
- December 2nd, 2009, 03:12 pm
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Nanette Nanette is offline
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I don't know a single person who gave up themselves when they married! That's a misconception, with a very few exceptions, none of which I happen to know personally.

The mere fact that a married couple can have an argument at all proves they are two people with their own individual viewpoints.

I've been married for most of my adult life. I love the "us" part. To me, it's one of the best things about marriage. That and laying in bed at night, talking in the dark.....

Rather than being Independent, the two become Co-Dependent. That's a good thing!

One can be Co-Dependent on the other half of the "us" and still maintain Individuality. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.

j8a
this makes me want to get married again lol
- December 2nd, 2009, 03:15 pm
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