I would add that most men and women I know would tend to shy away from dating people who are "seperated but married"

Dear Kalleca,

Welcome to eHarmony Advice (eHA) and thanks for posting.

Your question is one that has been well-addressed on these boards! There is a temptation on the part of some to want to date when still married, albeit legally separated, but you must resist - no matter how hard it is.

I'm so sorry you were, ". . . with a very emotionally and abusive man." That is one of the hardest things to go through and you must make sure you've totally recovered, healed, and completely forgiven so that one day when you are legally divorced, you will not hook-up with the same type of man again.

There are many reasons why it is imperative for YOUR well-being that you not date while you are still legally married - even though you are separated. I will mention a few:

1. Legal reasons. You are still legally married to your husband, even though you are separated from him, until you and he have a legal divorce. You are not free to marry another person and another person is not free to marry you because you're not legally available. You would be bringing all your unresolved baggage into another person's life and making your problems their problems. Additionally, this person might have children. It's a mess all the way around and only brings more unhappiness upon you and whoever may become involved with you.

2. Spiritual reasons. The Bible is very clear about marriage, divorce, and remarriage. Additionally, God's plan is for sex AFTER marriage only and WITHIN marriage only. It's too easy to become involved with someone and fall into a sexual relationship with the person. ALL of this is SIN and God hates sin. Sin separates us from God. We're to confess and repent (turn away) from our sins and not repeat them. You would be intentionally sinning which you do not want to do.

3. Emotional reasons. People in relationships become emotionally attached to each other and when that happens, the next step would be becoming engaged and proceeding to marriage. You're not legally available to begin an emotional relationship with anyone. It would not be fair to you or to the other person and any other people - including children - that would be affected by doing so.

Additionally, it's doubtful you've emotionally recovered from the abuse inflicted on you. You must work through all this with a very good, licensed, professional, preferably Christian counselor to heal and not fall into the same pattern with another man. Find someone who is experienced dealing with abuse.

4. Physical reasons. You could become pregnant, contract an STD, or whatever else which would really complicate your already complicated life. Additionally, your spouse may find out and attempt to harm you - even if you do have a restraining order - or try to harm the other person you're seeing or that person's family. You could be putting yourself and others in jeopardy.

5. Mental reasons. Your self-esteem has taken major blows. Again, you need time to heal mentally, process all these things, become mentally healthy so you do not fall into the same pattern with another man, etc.

As part of your healing, you need to learn about something called, "The Wheel of Power and Control." You can find out more about it here: Wheel of Power and Control.

Furthermore, the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE (7233), may be able to tell you about local resources in your area where you might be able to get free counseling at the local abuse shelter and possibly free legal help. Different locales have different services available.

Again, you MUST seek really good counseling from a licensed professional who is experienced in treating those abused.

Please realize that you will be hurting yourself and whoever else becomes involved with you if you date while still legally married. Also, you need time to recover and heal from all that has happened to you and by heal, I mean get healthy in all ways as you've taken quite a beating to your self-esteem and mental health.

It takes awhile to recover from these things and it cannot be rushed or you will hook-up, inadvertently, with the same kind of man again which would be horrible.

You also need to realize that you are complete by yourself and being in a relationship does NOT complete you. You need to learn to self-love again in a healthy way. Besides therapy, read Psalms 139, Holy Bible, everyday for at least a month and mediate on how wondrously God made you.

You will be much too busy getting yourself healed and healthy again and becoming the person God always intended you to be to even think about dating someone until way down the road when you are LEGALLY divorced. Now you're not and even if you were, you need the time to invest in yourself and really good therapy.

You're trying to jump back into a relationship much, much, much too quickly when you're not ready on any level - even though you think you are. It comes from the neediness inside you which no relationship can fulfill other than one with God. A man cannot fulfill that within you and you need to realize that.

There is a season to everything, we're told in Ecclesiastes 3, and now is your season to recover, heal, get back on your feet, get therapy, love yourself, and not get into another relationship again that could end up like this one that is not even over yet. You have much unresolved business in your own life you need to focus on and not contaminate another person's life with.

It's important you not be selfish in this matter of trying to date someone now. That will not fix things for you but only make your life worse as you haven't addressed your current business.

Take one day at a time and focus on what you need to do for that day whether it's finding a job that can support you, going to individual therapy, possibly attending abused women group therapy, going to church, etc. Do not focus on men now. There will be a proper time for that later, but not now with all this unfinished business facing you.

There is a non-profit organization that has a Counseling Dept. where you can receive at least one free counseling by a state-licensed counselor. Their number is 1-800-AFamily (232-6459) and when you call, ask to speak to their Counseling Dept.

They will connect you, take down your name and number and the nature of your call, and a counselor will call you back in a day or two.

You can also ask that department for any counseling referrals they may have in your area.

Additionally, when you call, ask the person to speak to the Correspondence Department, also, and when connected with the department, ask them to send you for free their resource list on abused women.

Furthermore, you can go to:

TroubledWith: TroubledWith Index, and search on abuse and there will be things there to help you.

Also, at Welcome to Focus on the Family, you can search on abuse and find very helpful articles and information.

Please do these things and write and let us know how you're doing.

You will gain a good measure of self-respect when you know you're doing what's right - even when you don't feel like it - and when you engage in right living.

It's wrong on all levels to date anyone while you're still married - even if you are legally separated. That will only contribute to continued low self-esteem. Don't do it. Love yourself instead!

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