39 and single not where i thought i would be


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poeticrhythm70 is offline poeticrhythm70 Post #1  July 7,2009, 3:47am
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I am 39 and divorced since last sept. I never thought this would be my life. I feel like i have so much to catch up on because I am so far behind. I dont know what men want! I work hard. My kids are almost grown and that i would be retiring soon with this great guy I grew up with my whole life. How do you make that kind of love affair with someone you may only get to know for 20 years of your life. I am not sure what to say or what to wear. I dont want to look to young but I also dont feel 39 more like 29. Anyway any advise for old number wanting to find love forever.
 
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ShadesofK is offline ShadesofK Post #2  July 24,2009, 9:48am
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I am a dating veteran. And while I have no definitive answers for you, I have been where you are.

Starting over is always hard. And after all the time and effort you've put in over the years to your children, to your husband...you lose sight of "who" you are. I did. I gave up everything in my commitment to mother and wife. So when we split, I was devastated.

I learned that the key is really to start rediscovering yourself. And dare I say it-- actually DATE yourself.

It's been 6 years for me since my divorce. I date a lot, but still take the time to date myself as well. I fill my life with all the things I love and do all the activities I love (that were pushed to the sideline for all those years).

I can say that now I have a healthier sense of who I am, what I want and what will make me ultimately happy.

Treat yourself with pedicures, drink bottles of wine in long hot bubble bathes, read an interesting book, and learn to grow comfortable with yourself.

The rest will come.

And if all else fails, join a gym and take it out on the treadmill. That works as well!
 
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cwhite1028 is offline cwhite1028 Post #3  July 28,2009, 8:16am
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poeticrhythm70 wrote :
I am 39 and divorced since last sept. I never thought this would be my life. I feel like i have so much to catch up on because I am so far behind. I dont know what men want! I work hard. My kids are almost grown and that i would be retiring soon with this great guy I grew up with my whole life. How do you make that kind of love affair with someone you may only get to know for 20 years of your life. I am not sure what to say or what to wear. I dont want to look to young but I also dont feel 39 more like 29. Anyway any advise for old number wanting to find love forever.
I totally understand where your at, 39 here divorsed for 6 years. Thing is I was married for 13 years so never really dated very much. After the divorse I felt like I had missed out on so much, heck I still consider myself in my late 20's.

I have found just being myself is best, giving no illusion that I am something that I am not. Have I found the right one yet? Nope I am still looking however, I have met some wonderful people and had some great times. I suppose the best advice I could give is to have fun , dont the experts always say you meet people when you least expect it.

CW
 
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bookhead is offline bookhead Post #4  August 10,2009, 6:35am
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poeticrhythm70 wrote :
I am 39 and divorced since last sept. I never thought this would be my life. I feel like i have so much to catch up on because I am so far behind. I dont know what men want! I work hard. My kids are almost grown and that i would be retiring soon with this great guy I grew up with my whole life. How do you make that kind of love affair with someone you may only get to know for 20 years of your life. I am not sure what to say or what to wear. I dont want to look to young but I also dont feel 39 more like 29. Anyway any advise for old number wanting to find love forever.
I am still awaiting the actuality of divorce although the reality of it has been a factor in my life for a long time. My wife and I have essentially been roommates for the past four or five years and uncomfortable ones at that. About two years ago I decided that I wasn't the person I wanted to be, perpetually frustrated and stressed out, angry most of the time and with no outlet for such emotions I decided to be the person I wanted to be. In retrospect it seems so simple, but at the time it was quite the leap of faith. I found that reinventing myself was easier than I could have ever imagined. I threw away all of the devices that I had convinced myself were good for stress relief such as cigarettes, alcohol and marijuana and began to refuse to accept that frustration and discontent were an undeniable component of life. In less than two years I have accomplished more for myself and grown more on a personal level than in the previous decade...

All this to say that if you don't like who you are, OR you don't know who you are... Determine who you would like to be and make that a reality by living it. If you don't know what to say, don't say anything, there is no obligation to lead conversation, and perhaps if the conversation is awkward it is because there isn't anything to talk about. Silence doesn't have to be awkward...

If you don't know what to wear, then ask yourself who among your friends demands the most respect in terms of their wardrobe and emulate that. If you can't think of anybody, then perhaps fashion should not be the goal but rather comfort... The more comfortable you are the less distraction you will encounter when engaging in conversations with men that you would like to know better.

Last but not least is that you should not heap expectations on yourself when you are going to spend time with a person that has captured your interest. Take it as it is and try not to let yourself get caught up in moments that allow you to idealize from a point of ignorance... We are all just trying to get along as best we can and yet it is so easy to get caught up in that frantic process wherein we convince ourselves that if we make one mistake we shall lose the last best hope for happiness or some such nonsense as that... When you sense such anxieties assailing your mind, learn to identify them and to suppress them immediately and you will be more successful in all social situations...

I hope this helps and wish you the very best in life and love...

Your friend Jared
 
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JennJenn is offline JennJenn Post #5  September 25,2009, 6:24pm
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I agree with everything said on here already...

I would add that you need to learn to trust yourself and what you want in a relationship. Learn to read your date, what is he expecting from you? and whether you are comfortable with his expectations.

You are still a mom, but a mother is part of who you are, not completely who you are. You have a career, but it does not define you, you define yourself.

Also, learn to trust a man. Not all men are like your ex. Some are worse, some are better. Don't think about how much time you might have with him, but think about the time you are currently spending with him and enjoy the here and now.

Hope that helps.
 
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