MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #1  May 9,2009, 10:02am
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Try as I might, I have not seen the use of the personal/private messages addressed in the Community Guidelines.


Late last night, I PMed a member about her post (in one of the groups) that was a personal attack on someone else to point it out and suggest removing it. Her response was a PM that was a nasty personal attack--I don't know how else to take being told to F--- off. I responded very civilly further explaining my intentions and received another PM loaded with venom for the person attacked in the post and more language that would certainly not get past the moderation filter. I can only assume that she eventually saw reason since she did delete the post some time later (after I decided that Report Violation was the way to go instead).


I consider the behaviour of this member as not conforming to the Community Guidelines for posting in eHA, but where are the guidelines for PMs? For me this is quite upsetting as it was within a group that normally is a place for fun and support and it will be difficult for me to interact in a fun way in threads with someone who would show such unwarranted disrespect to me and others.


I value greatly that my eHA friends would share things about themselves and have always seen PM to mean Private Message. There have been a couple of times when I have had an exchange in a thread with some conflict, and PMing has been a way to come to peaceful resolution.I would never have thought of using PMs as a way to abuse other members of the boards and getting around the Community Standards.


Without any guidelines specifying acceptable behaviour, are we not saying that it is okay to do just that in personal/private messages?


Do PMs go beyond what eHA advice can govern and are now under protection of freedom of speech?


Perhaps there are guidelines somewhere for this and they need to be made as prominent as the Community Standards so it is easy to find them?
 
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HarryG is offline HarryG Post #2  May 9,2009, 4:46pm
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The very purpose of PMs in some circumstances is to be able to tell someone to eff-off privately-rather than turn it into a war publicly. When you PM someone about the tone of their posts, it is a roll of the dice. Some folks will appreciate what you did as they couldn't see the effect that their post had. Others will view it as interloping, or even as an attack.


I am sorry, Mel. You got sandbagged by a sorry, bitter person. But...short of being able to show those PM responses as stalking or harassment...I don't think that anything "wrong" was done (IMO)...I think that you just found a jerk and had your good intentions rebuffed in a brutish manner. I am still sorry that you were subjected to that.
 
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tumbleweed is offline tumbleweed Post #3  May 9,2009, 7:05pm
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hi harry,, this iis larry,,remember when we first meet, kind of sounds the same? was ready to slay the giant [HarryG] thn i found out he was only 4ft 5 ,, or was it 5ft 4 whitch ever , just a mear midget among men[a little sarcassim here],,, at any rait ive learned to not take things on here so seriously here, ya know what i mean harry
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #4  May 9,2009, 8:22pm
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Dear Tumbleweed and HarryG,


I do remember your particular exchange and thought of it as simply a case of some mis-communication with each other was all. You all just hadn't gotten to know each other enough at that point to understand each other's style and that neither of you intended any offense - at least that's how I saw it.


As I recall, Tumbleweed was making a reference to David and Goliath from the Bible.


____





Dear MelinCali,


So very sorry this happened to you. My advice to you is to copy and paste the exchange and send to Lori, eHA Lead Moderator, and tell her you received this in a private message. Be sure to also include your original message, the response, your next message, and the response to that so she has the full picture of things. That's the way to go!


eHA is owned by them and it's good for them to know what's going on on their site - whatever it may be - even if it's behind the scenes. That's the proper way to handle that.


Wishing everyone well.


JavaJava5
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #5  May 10,2009, 8:13am
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I think I recall reading somewhere that eHahaha does indeed consider the PM to full under the umbrella of the “standards.”
 
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lizard47 is offline lizard47 Post #6  May 10,2009, 2:46pm
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D_Lion,612149 wrote :

I think I recall reading somewhere that eHahaha does indeed consider the PM to full under the umbrella of the “standards.”
I tried to find where I had read this as well, but am not finding it quickly and have a short attention span today.


I agree with Java and think you need to let Lori know so that she can deal with the person herself since going the route of you did was not received as the help you intended but with more venom.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #7  May 10,2009, 10:29pm
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D_Lion,612149 wrote :

I think I recall reading somewhere that eHahaha does indeed consider the PM to full under the umbrella of the “standards.”
Yes; this is my understanding as well. The guidelines basically cover "the site," and exchanging PMs is in fact "using" the site.


However, because the moderators have no way of knowing what messages people are exchanging via the PM system, they cannot take any action unless you inform them of the offending PM(s). They don't tend to get as many "reports" related to groups because group members tend to be more likeminded. One result of that is that groups sometimes push the edge a little harder. However, they, too, are also expected to conform to the site guidelines.


It is unfortunate when people think it's okay to revert to such behavior...
 
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MelinCali is offline MelinCali Post #8  May 11,2009, 7:26am
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Thanks everyone for your responses. So it seems like the eHA policies on this are not very clear and it might be a good idea for them to be made accessible to the community somewhere.


HarryG wrote :


The very purpose of PMs in some circumstances is to be able to tell someone to eff-off privately-rather than turn it into a war publicly. When you PM someone about the tone of their posts, it is a roll of the dice. Some folks will appreciate what you did as they couldn't see the effect that their post had. Others will view it as interloping, or even as an attack.


I am sorry, Mel. You got sandbagged by a sorry, bitter person. But...short of being able to show those PM responses as stalking or harassment...I don't think that anything "wrong" was done (IMO)...I think that you just found a jerk and had your good intentions rebuffed in a brutish manner. I am still sorry that you were subjected to that.


Harry, I didn't respond to your post right away when I saw it because I had to consider your point of view. Since I am INTJ with a very strong J, that means a lot of time mulling things over before I make up my mind. Since then, I have gotten some interesting information from some of my eHA friends.


Would you change your mind if you knew this person has been banned from eHA before?--and I think for this kind of behaviour. PMs should not be a vehicle to allow someone to sneak back into the community and continue the personal attacks they used to post publicly in threads, but now do unseen by the moderators. In this instance, I don't think it is necessary for the PMs to constitute harassment or stalking since this person is not supposed to be here anyway.
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #9  May 11,2009, 7:36am
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I know that we are not supposed to use names, but I will mention this instance anyway.


Does anyone remember Abnoba? Wasn't it because of a PM that she was banned?
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #10  May 11,2009, 11:04am
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Mel - The appropriate thing to do in this case is just to report it, which you can do via the link below (or PM Lori). If someone has been banned, they are not "supposed" to return.


Now, we can all probably think of people who have returned more than once, some of whom have managed to stick around over the long term after adjusting their behavior (or, perhaps just remaining under the radar). There may be a little "looking the other way" in those cases, but otherwise the mods seem to act pretty quickly in cases where someone returns, and especially so if that person again exhibits the behavior for which he or she was previously banned.


Honestly, itreally isn't very difficult to follow the guidelines here (but then again, if people practically come to fisticuffs talking about whether women who like to travel are really golddiggers, I guess it's not surpising...lol).
 
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