Are we a judgemental group of people?


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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #1  March 20,2009, 9:48am
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I've gotten feedback that as a Community, we are very judgemental, particularly to newcomers.


I have my own opinions on this but want to see what you think.


Have you seen this in play here and if so, why do you think it's the case and what would you suggest to remedy it?


Thanks as always for the input.


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-Lori
 
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graceventually is offline graceventually Post #2  March 20,2009, 11:37am
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I suspect, that here as in any other type of community, members want to enforce the rules - both written and unwritten. This can come across as helpful information, or as an unfair judgement, depending on how it's recieved. Online, I think the odds of it being not well-received rise considerably. In a real-life community of any sort (office, neighborhood, college dorm, congregation), thereare opportunities to give explanations, expressions of support, levity, a pat on the back, a greeting card, etc. All of those things make "a little friendly advice about the way we do things around here" more palatable to a newcomer, if someone whom they already know likes them feels compelled to have a little talk about something they've done. Online, we are without those more nurturing expressions of community life, and a sprinkling of "this is how we behave here" can come across like a cold bucket of icy judgement. I'd say that most of the time it's not intended to, but I'm afraid it sometimes does.
 
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sabete2002 is offline sabete2002 Post #3  March 20,2009, 11:47am
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I agree with Grace.


Those of us who have been here a while know the online personas of the other posters so "get" each other better than newer memberswould. Sometimes whatwe know as a tongue in cheek remark from a regular can be misconstrued by someone newer. Then those of us who know the regular jump to that persons defence probably a bit more strongly than we should. I've done it myself. It can give the perception that this place is a little unfriendly or cliquey.
 
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cameracollector is offline cameracollector Post #4  March 20,2009, 12:42pm
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As a non-Christian, I find some of the posters to be judgmental - see, for example, the current "Crossing religions" thread on the "Dating Expert" forum.


On the other hand, I also appreciate that there have been groups formed - such as the Peaceful Oasis group - to discuss more explicitly Christian questions off the main boards.


I also think that some new posters make the mistake of not hanging around a bit first to get the feel of the place. It's like any forum IRL - youwouldn'tstart shouting your opinions in a room of strangers and expect to be well received. You would begin by making polite small talk. Should it be any different here?
 
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zal is offline zal Post #5  March 20,2009, 1:15pm
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I don't necessarily believe that as group the members are judgmental. I think there are certainly closed-minded people as well as people who try to press their own moral values (religious or otherwise on others), but I think this is a minority.


I am probably one of those posters who is viewed as judgmental at times because I tend to give my honest opinion regardless of whether I think it's the answer the OP wants to hear of if I am in the minority. I personally see no point in habitually saying "I understand your point but perhaps..." I will simply state my opinion. I know this can come across as arrogant or judgmental especially if I believe that the other person is simply wrong. Personally, I think I clarify myself as the discussion progresses, but since tone and body language are absent, it can be difficult to distinguish sarcasm or light-heartedness.


It might be helpful to stress to newcomers that people on these boards are not represented as experts and are only offering their own opinions and experiences.
 
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D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #6  March 20,2009, 4:21pm
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I have a different thought.


Questions keep coming up, and when they fall into certain categories, they do seem to invite attack. Some new fellow writes a post about “overweight women” and he gets a tirade, often including personal attacks back at him.


It does seem that some regulars will zero in on those types of new people with their own opinion, instead of actually responding to his / her question.


Personally, I do think there is some stuff that goes negative toward an OP, when it maybe shouldn’t have.
 
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lizard47 is offline lizard47 Post #7  March 20,2009, 4:58pm
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D_Lion,540332 wrote :

I have a different thought.


Questions keep coming up, and when they fall into certain categories, they do seem to invite attack. Some new fellow writes a post about “overweight women” and he gets a tirade, often including personal attacks back at him.


It does seem that some regulars will zero in on those types of new people with their own opinion, instead of actually responding to his / her question.


Personally, I do think there is some stuff that goes negative toward an OP, when it maybe shouldn’t have.
I was thinking something along these lines when I got to your post.
 
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m8se69 is offline m8se69 Post #8  March 20,2009, 10:59pm
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I do not believe that we are a "bunch" of judgemental people. There may be times when judgement comes into play. But I find that the threads are typically filled with a mix of different opinions and interpretations.


If a newbie sounds off that "we" are judgemental; it's usually because they were only in search of validation for something that they already knew was wrong.
 
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javajava5 is offline javajava5 Post #9  March 21,2009, 12:54am
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A lot has to do with a person's perception. I've noticed that if a person has a "sensitive spot" in their own life about something, he or she then tends to take someone else's comment in a judgmental way when it touches on THEIR sensitive spot, even if the person writing did not intend it in that way in the slightest.


It seems, too, that those who are sensitive to certain things in their life, because of their own experiences, baggage, and / or what they experienced as a child in relationship to said topic, have more of a tendency to "read into" a person's posts meanings that were not meant.


I've noticed this quite a bit and the Crossing Religions thread is a good example of that. There, several of my posts had meanings read into them that I have yet to go back and clarify saying, "This was not what I meant."


I hope when I do, the people will not insist their meaning is what I meant and seek to become argumentative about it. It's good to remember that people who are not the author do not know what was in the author's mind and should not insist the author was being judgmental when indeed that's not what the author was thinking.


Too many times, a person simply will not take something someone wrote at face value and reads some form or another of "judgment" into the person's posts instead of giving the person the benefit of the doubt. That most particularly happens in relationship to what a person's own hot buttons may be and we do see that on the boards - nothing more than misinterpreting another's post(s)!


For example, if a person is non-religious, than there's times that person will choose to read judgment into the post of someone who is a Believer. Same things with weight, ethnicity, politics, or any issue that is a hot button to some person in that thread and in which the person feels most strongly about.


For example, if a person hates God say, then they're much more likely to read "judgment" into a person's posts who does not hate God. Or, if a person likes Obama, they're more likely to read into what the person might have to say who is a conservative and comments on Obama.


People are simply reading too much into other people's posts. There are times when things are meant quite intentionally, but people are way too quick to pass judgment themselves on someone's posts who hold s different worldview than their's, rather than simply giving the person the benefit of the doubt.


What that person perceives to be an attack or judgment is, indeed, many times not an attack or judgment at all; rather, the person is choosing not to take the other's post as face value and instead chooses to read into another person's post. It's like the person insists on the post having some hidden meaning.


Now, there have been some personal attacks on these boards and those are very obvious and reported.


We've already talked in another thread about a newbie who comes, has nothing in their profile page, and is viewed with suspicion by some others. I've written countless time in threads that we were all new here and for a long time, I didn't have a single thing in my profile.


The actual attacks and judgments are at an all time low now and it is my most strong belief that people, because of their frames of references and own hot spots, so many times take personally a post that is simply not meant that way in the slightest.


Being a person who has had too many meanings read into my posts that were not in my mind and that I didn't mean, simply seems to go with the territory here and the poster than having to go back and saying, "What you think I meant in my post is not what I meant." Even then, the person will sometimes insist that their meaning is the correct interruption - even though they weren't the author!


Again, as it's been said many times in this forum, it really does go to giving the person the benefit of the doubt and people are simply way too quick to attribute meanings to various people's posts things that aren't there simply based on their own personal hot buttons, sensitivities, etc, whereas a person without that doesn't see any such meanings.


It is most tiring when a poster explains the meaning of their post and the person with the hot button on the topic refuses to accept the explanation and insists whatever, i. e., the person, the group, etc. was being judged or attacked.


If we ALL gave others the benefit of the doubt, just as we want the other to do us, there would not be anywhere at all the PERCEIVED number of people who think someone is passing judgment on him or her.


Perhaps there should be a reminder posted as part of every thread: Give the poster the benefit of the doubt and don't read into posts!


Also, something common sense: If you don't like the person, refrain from posting in their thread. There's some who don't like each other too well on these boards and it simply makes sense for them to stay out of the person's thread. I always wonder when I see that person posting in the other's thread . . . .


Additionally, and quite unfortunately, there's too many folks here who think that because someone disagrees with him or her that that person is passing judgment on them.


A good example of this is seen in the Discussion board category, "Ask a Dating Expert," area in the thread: The Truth About a Woman's Age, located here: http://www.advice.eharmony.com/?page=view_thread&TID=29451&start=0


Again, that's the person's own hot button issues and most of the posters didn't see it as being judgmental but for the original poster (OP). That thread had to do with lying about one's age in on eHarmony which is against eHarmony policy. The OP was not liking people's answers that did not support her in this.


People are simply too sensitive and way, way, way too fast to take offense thinking another poster is being judgmental when they're not.


Perhaps there should be a reminder that besides giving others the benefit of the doubt, that people need to be thick-skinned and stop being so sensitive to things that were not even meant the way the person thought.


Now a thread that does seem to have judgmental overtones by some folks when the OP didn't immediately do what people said under the "Relationships" area of the Discussion boards and is entitled: Will I ever get out of the friend zone? Located: http://www.advice.eharmony.com/?page=view_thread&TID=29210&start=5#538433.


In the above referenced thread, some posters were simply getting too impatient with the OP who has significant issues to work through. On page 6 of that thread, I wrote a letter to the Readers urging them to remember the OP had to work through things in his own time and way and though it seemed cut and dried to us, none of us had walked in the OP's shoes.


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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #10  March 21,2009, 2:25am
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Yes, and the judgments tend to be quite rash.
 
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