Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #1  April 16,2010, 5:47am

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I have noticed when debating different issues in dating people fail to see why they get a different response to the same set of criteria. The answer is so simple, we are all different people.

So why do we fix on the action as the reason for success or failure instead of the interaction of personality types during the action?

Take for instance the threads that say women are never successful when asking guys out. I have had a 100% success rate in this area. Yes I understand that like a guy who has never been turned down there is a heck of a lot of luck involved. Still I am sure if a study was done a women would have the same success/failure rate as a man.

In other words if she doesn't feel it she will say no if he doesn't feel it he will say no.

So why do we attribute success or failure to the action and not the correct variables?
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  April 16,2010, 7:09am
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I have noticed when debating different issues in dating people fail to see why they get a different response to the same set of criteria. The answer is so simple, we are all different people.

So why do we fix on the action as the reason for success or failure instead of the interaction of personality types during the action?

So why do we attribute success or failure to the action and not the correct variables?
I see the ability to allow for differences as the single biggest obstacle to getting along with people.

I try not to ask why, and prefer.....It is what it is. If I were to ask why (in the above cases) it's almost as if I want to convince somebody they're wrong.

I prefer to ask a person why.....strictly as an aid in helping me understand them better. For instance, I might say "Why would you think that?".....leaving the field wide open for their answer.

I wouldn't say "Why do you think this instead of that?".....because it limits the choice, and also seems to imply a value judgement.....which could be incorrect, depending on what they have to say.

I'm just different, that way.

j8a
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #3  April 16,2010, 7:48am
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But why do you think that way j8a?

I've wondered if people get so fixated on finding a set of rules that ensure dating success because then, if I could just figure out the right rules and stick to them, I would find Love!

That would be so much easier than actually having to figure out how to be loving and accept love, and having to find a good match for me.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #4  April 16,2010, 8:20am

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j0hn8andy wrote :
I see the ability to allow for differences as the single biggest obstacle to getting along with people.

I try not to ask why, and prefer.....It is what it is. If I were to ask why (in the above cases) it's almost as if I want to convince somebody they're wrong.

I prefer to ask a person why.....strictly as an aid in helping me understand them better. For instance, I might say "Why would you think that?".....leaving the field wide open for their answer.

I wouldn't say "Why do you think this instead of that?".....because it limits the choice, and also seems to imply a value judgement.....which could be incorrect, depending on what they have to say.

I'm just different, that way.

j8a
Allowing for the differences is important. That is one reason that prompted this thread. It is not about right or wrong but being sucessful in dating. If you are driving 100 MPH in the rain is it your speed or the rain that caused the accident? It is to some degree both but if you fixate on I would not have had the accident but for the rain you will not address the fact that perhaps you should slow down.

This is kinda what I see and it really makes people frustrated. But I stopped driving when it is pouring down rain and I still had an accident. Maybe it was the fog from the rain. Still having accidents, maybe it is my car, I need a safer car. All the while ignoring it is the speed.

I know you hate my driving so I am hoping this analogy helps. If looking at why we do this helps people to identify when they are doing it they may have less accidents and be successful in dating.
Sassafras54 wrote :
I've wondered if people get so fixated on finding a set of rules that ensure dating success because then, if I could just figure out the right rules and stick to them, I would find Love!

That would be so much easier than actually having to figure out how to be loving and accept love, and having to find a good match for me.
I see the same thing with rules. It is like if I do this I will find love taking themselves out of the equation. I almost think it is because they can blame the formula instead of themselves. Still why would you blame yourself, a relationship takes two. It is just that specific two will not work. Both can be amazing people, just not together.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  April 16,2010, 8:53am
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Sassafras54 wrote :
But why do you think that way j8a?
Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
I know you hate my driving so I am hoping this analogy helps. If looking at why we do this helps people to identify when they are doing it they may have less accidents and be successful in dating.

I see the same thing with rules. It is like if I do this I will find love taking themselves out of the equation. I almost think it is because they can blame the formula instead of themselves. Still why would you blame yourself, a relationship takes two. It is just that specific two will not work. Both can be amazing people, just not together.
I wondered where you were going with that driving analogy!

I don't know anything about Rules for Dating. If I was to make a Rule, it would have to be.....the best thing is to be myself, so that when and if I do manage to find somebody.....they fit me.....instead of me trying to fit somebody else.

Still, when things go wrong between two people.....I do find it helpful to focus on my own part in that relationship.....rather than the other person's.

I credit that as being the single best thing I did after my divorce.....that enabled me to find what I wanted and needed.

I don't waste my time trying to figure out what's wrong with the other guy. I just look at me, what I want and need.

j8a
Last edited by j0hn8andy; April 16,2010 at 8:54am. Reason: .....'cuz it's all about me, now, isn't it, LOL.....i love you two.....
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  April 16,2010, 11:11am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I don't know anything about Rules for Dating.
Then you should join the Dating Rules for Dummies group.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #7  April 17,2010, 8:09am
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I will just say that personally, I've not had good experiences with asking. I don't want to engage in sex on date 1, and very often when I've done the asking, it seems like that's the guy's expectation. Because of experiences like those, I don't generally do more than smile and initiate conversation any more, bc I don't want to have to be fending the guy off on date one for sex.

I've found in general if I smile and chat with someone I'm interested in, if a guy is truly interested in me, he will ask if I'll go out with him, and then I have a much better experience on date 1. He behaves more like a gentleman and doesn't expect sex just because I was interested in getting to know him better.

That's my experience with it, and I'm not exactly inexperienced. lol I understand you've had different experiences — and maybe you are more comfortable with first-date sex — but I don't think it makes what works for me wrong either, and I don't understand why you seem to always be discounting other women's experiences with this as invalid.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #8  April 18,2010, 6:42am

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nightling wrote :
I will just say that personally, I've not had good experiences with asking. I don't want to engage in sex on date 1, and very often when I've done the asking, it seems like that's the guy's expectation. Because of experiences like those, I don't generally do more than smile and initiate conversation any more, bc I don't want to have to be fending the guy off on date one for sex.

I've found in general if I smile and chat with someone I'm interested in, if a guy is truly interested in me, he will ask if I'll go out with him, and then I have a much better experience on date 1. He behaves more like a gentleman and doesn't expect sex just because I was interested in getting to know him better.

That's my experience with it, and I'm not exactly inexperienced. lol I understand you've had different experiences — and maybe you are more comfortable with first-date sex — but I don't think it makes what works for me wrong either, and I don't understand why you seem to always be discounting other women's experiences with this as invalid.
This is exactly the problem. When I get into this argument I am saying it is not the act of asking someone or not that is invalid. It works in your case because what you do is best for your personality and disposition. For you to approach dating as I do would be the worst thing for you because you are not me.

Still it is not asking someone out or not that makes your style of dating successful it is you know what works for you and what doesn't that makes you successful. But say you came here and asked what am I doing wrong that guys always turn me down when I ask them out. The answer may be the guys you are attracted to don't like women who ask men out. If the board was to focus on her pick up line they will miss the real reason for failure.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #9  April 21,2010, 2:14pm
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Can_I_just_be_Jo wrote :
This is exactly the problem. When I get into this argument I am saying it is not the act of asking someone or not that is invalid. It works in your case because what you do is best for your personality and disposition. For you to approach dating as I do would be the worst thing for you because you are not me.

Still it is not asking someone out or not that makes your style of dating successful it is you know what works for you and what doesn't that makes you successful. But say you came here and asked what am I doing wrong that guys always turn me down when I ask them out. The answer may be the guys you are attracted to don't like women who ask men out. If the board was to focus on her pick up line they will miss the real reason for failure.
I wish they would say no if they are uninterested in me as a person and can't see any potential for a relationship.

That would make it easier for me to ask.

The fact that so many of them will say yes when all they really want is sex and not a relationship is what kills the whole concept of asking for me.

I don't doubt that asking works for some women, and I in fact will and have asked upon occasions where I feel like the guy's not going to take it the wrong way ... but just as a general rule, I've learned to be very cautious about anything beyond a smile and a little flirting/chit chat.

Perhaps you don't mean to discount others' experience with it. It just comes across that way sometimes bc this is a text-only environment and it's sometimes hard to convey all the meaning without vocal tones.
 
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Nylit is offline Nylit Post #10  April 21,2010, 2:53pm
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Sighs,,What happened to the days when you met someone at the store or service station or even visiting a friend and either knew instantly he or she was a someone you wanted to get to know or not.??
Now, we nitpik on forums and in profiles.

I imagine Adam checking Eve out online and saying,, nahh she looks like trouble. Hahahaha!
 
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