wylie831 is offline wylie831 Post #1  September 4,2009, 5:27pm
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I have been in a relatonship with my boyfriend for 8 years we live together we have a three year old together. I'm ready for the next step with is marriage he's 38 i'm 26 and he just says he's not ready. I don't know what to do should i say knowing we'll never get married or leave. I love him i do but, after eight years i feel like were stuck.
 
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Diann1950 is online now Diann1950 Post #2  September 6,2009, 5:45am
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Is the choice at this point marriage or leaving, or continuing the status quo? I know that you feel you are now ready to marry, but other than time what has changed? Is he good to you, your child? In this case you went into the relationship without marriage and now want to change the terms, what does he gain out of marriage, now? Either accept what you have or face being a single mother with all the custody issues, emotional upheaval, and pain that will be involved.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #3  September 7,2009, 7:49pm
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So your goal is to get married...?
Not to be with this particular guy? If I was your bf of 8 years and the mother of my child, I'd be kind of hurt.

wrote :
I don't know what to do should i say knowing we'll never get married or leave.

wrote :
after eight years i feel like were stuck.
Stuck in what? A successful relationship where you're both raising your child?
Marriage is the same thing. You'll be "stuck" with each other.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

What does marriage give you that you don't already have?

I know what marriage doesn't do:
1. Guarantee fidelity
2. Give you love
3. Allow you to have children (you already can do that)
4. Keep you from living together
5. Stigmatize you from being together
6. Keep you from being a good parent
7. Keep you from committing to each other (you've been together for 8 years already!)
8. Make your relationship stronger
9. Financially make you as a couple, more secure
10. Give your child a stronger home life.

There is financial risk for your boyfriend and financial benefit to you to get married. So, in light of what I wrote above, what is the reason you want to get married? Your financial benefit is the only reason that remains.
 
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zxc is offline zxc Post #4  October 22,2009, 9:41pm
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if you've been together for eight years and have a child, then for all intents and purposes, you are married. If you want to formalize that...and he doesn't but wants to stay with you and the child you share...then you'll have to decide what's more important--your family or a marriage which could cause him to leave or that might change your relationship for the worse. Frankly, after eight years together, if it was going to happen it would've already. So...my question to you is are you happy? If the answer is yes...don't mess with success.
 
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ejmaine is offline ejmaine Post #5  October 23,2009, 6:15am
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You are stuck. You have attached yourself (through your child) to a man who in all likelihood is incapable of a long term, committed relationship. Even if he marries you you are still stuck b/c he will stray b/c you trapped him in a marriage he has made it clear he does not want. Drew Barrymore said it accurately (referring to her rel'ship w/ her father) "you have to stop emotionally devoting your energy to something that is not attainable." Change is tough, but so is lonely marriage. Some humans are not made (emotionally or intellectually) for commitment and building long term relationships in or out of marriage. That is not good OR bad, it simply is.
 
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