fireheart35 is offline fireheart35 Post #1  August 18,2009, 11:33am
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I would like your point of view on being in a relationship and texting. I am in a relationship now 6 months and my boyfriend texts another woman that he was previously friends with. She recently left her relationship and my boyfriend states he is just consoling her and are just friends. She is aware of me. I started noticed texting going on a few times in a day and then almost everyday for a while. I became concerned what this "friendship" could be developing into. Then I would noticed he would be texting her during working hours (nightshift) and then delete messages before he got home..stating there was no room in his phone so he had to delete messages. I became suspisious but he told me not to worry and they are only friends. She lives far away and is just on the same shift and doesn't sleep much. I became in secure about this "friendship" because my point of view is why does my man need to be texting back and forth several times a day and several times a week. Recently he has added her to his facebook again and msn. He refuses to keep a history of his msn chat on the computer. I broke down and did a stupid thing and text her acting like him to see if I could get info. I asked her to come out for drinks and she responded "why is she worried :P" that bothered me. I am not sure why. Then she joked about them having an "text affair"...! I don't think she was serious just being sarcastic! I later told him and he was righfully upset with me but he didn't see my point. I was tired of feeling like he is hiding their conversations when apparently there is nothing to hide. He told her something regarding this because now she mentions things like when he deleted and reactivated his facebook she thought I deleted her. So, she now is suspisious of me and is watching out for me.

He also has ex's that message him and text him..he says he has deleted and blocked them but some how they still contact him and try to act like his friend...and he told them I have his passwords and answer his texts.

I am at a loss what to believe anymore. I just feel this behaviour is inappropriate for a commited relationship and I feel I don't trust him now which it is affecting our relationship. Am I in the right to feeling this is inappropriate behaviour for him and these woman?

How do I handle this? How do I rebuild trust again?


Please Help!
 
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Robecology is offline Robecology Post #2  August 18,2009, 12:28pm

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My responses in RED (RF as in Red flag = bad news!);
fireheart35 wrote :
I would like your point of view on being in a relationship and texting. I am in a relationship now 6 months and my boyfriend texts another woman that he was previously friends with. She recently left her relationship and my boyfriend states he is just consoling her and are just friends.R.F.! She is aware of me. I started noticed texting going on a few times in a day and then almost everyday for a while.RF I became concerned what this "friendship" could be developing into. Then I would noticed he would be texting her during working hours (nightshift) and then delete messages before he got home..RF stating there was no room in his phone so he had to delete messages. I became suspisious but he told me not to worry and they are only friends. She lives far away and is just on the same shift and doesn't sleep much. I became in secure about this "friendship" because my point of view is why does my man need to be texting back and forth several times a day and several times a week. Recently he has added her to his facebook again and msn. RF He refuses to keep a history of his msn chat on the computer.RF I broke down and did a stupid thing and text her acting like him to see if I could get info. I asked her to come out for drinks and she responded "why is she worried :RF that bothered me. I am not sure why. Then she joked about them having an "text affair"...! I don't think she was serious just being sarcastic! I later told him and he was righfully upset with me but he didn't see my point. RF I was tired of feeling like he is hiding their conversations when apparently there is nothing to hide. He told her something regarding this because now she mentions things like when he deleted and reactivated his facebook she thought I deleted her.RF So, she now is suspisious of me and is watching out for me.

He also has ex's that message him and text him..RF he says he has deleted and blocked them but some how they still contact him and try to act like his friend...and he told them I have his passwords and answer his texts.

I am at a loss what to believe anymore. I just feel this behaviour is inappropriate for a commited relationship and I feel I don't trust him now which it is affecting our relationship. Am I in the right to feeling this is inappropriate behaviour for him and these woman?

How do I handle this? How do I rebuild trust again?
Please Help!
Count the RF's. You're covered with 'em.

You don't rebuild trust with this one; you dump and run. Hold your head up girl, he's not that in to you, and using you every step. Say goodbye without emotion, tell him not to call or text, and start over...or you'll be struggling for years to come.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  August 18,2009, 12:33pm
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Robecology wrote :
My responses in RED (RF as in Red flag = bad news!);Count the RF's. You're covered with 'em.

You don't rebuild trust with this one; you dump and run. Hold your head up girl, he's not that in to you, and using you every step. Say goodbye without emotion, tell him not to call or text, and start over...or you'll be struggling for years to come.
That's enough red flags to start a drill team.
 
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pixiepaint is offline pixiepaint Post #4  August 19,2009, 8:57am
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I can say from experience that having someone reading over your shoulder at what you're writing can make you paranoid... even if there is nothing going on!

I began deleting my texts from/to a male friend (and I mean never asked out or anything FRIEND) that lived over 2000 miles away When my husband started reading them and quizzing me on what that meant, why did he say that.. yada yada. My husband even went as far as to say my male friend was only talking to me to get "in my pants"!
(boy what an ego booster! lol)

So, I am not suggesting that your BF is innocent, but beware that distrust also undermines a relationship.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #5  August 19,2009, 12:01pm
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There might be some red flags. But nothing to prove or say that this guy is dishonest and/or cheating on you. The fact that he dismisses your concerns isn't right but maybe in his mind, your concerns aren't reasonable.
Here is the real problem in my opinion: you don't trust him. You also did a very bad thing by pretending to be him, sending her a text, and snooping on him.
This is your boyfriend of 6 months (24 weeks) not your husband. What right do you have to question his friendship? If he did this to you, all hell would break loose on how "controlling" and suspicious he is.
He's already made it clear after you voiced your concern that he's going to keep this friendship. Don't like it? Leave. But don't try to force him to drop his friend.
 
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prelude2fun33 is offline prelude2fun33 Post #6  December 24,2011, 7:07pm
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fireheart35 wrote :
I would like your point of view on being in a relationship and texting. I am in a relationship now 6 months and my boyfriend texts another woman that he was previously friends with. She recently left her relationship and my boyfriend states he is just consoling her and are just friends. She is aware of me. I started noticed texting going on a few times in a day and then almost everyday for a while. I became concerned what this "friendship" could be developing into. Then I would noticed he would be texting her during working hours (nightshift) and then delete messages before he got home..stating there was no room in his phone so he had to delete messages. I became suspisious but he told me not to worry and they are only friends. She lives far away and is just on the same shift and doesn't sleep much. I became in secure about this "friendship" because my point of view is why does my man need to be texting back and forth several times a day and several times a week. Recently he has added her to his facebook again and msn. He refuses to keep a history of his msn chat on the computer. I broke down and did a stupid thing and text her acting like him to see if I could get info. I asked her to come out for drinks and she responded "why is she worried :P" that bothered me. I am not sure why. Then she joked about them having an "text affair"...! I don't think she was serious just being sarcastic! I later told him and he was righfully upset with me but he didn't see my point. I was tired of feeling like he is hiding their conversations when apparently there is nothing to hide. He told her something regarding this because now she mentions things like when he deleted and reactivated his facebook she thought I deleted her. So, she now is suspisious of me and is watching out for me.

He also has ex's that message him and text him..he says he has deleted and blocked them but some how they still contact him and try to act like his friend...and he told them I have his passwords and answer his texts.

I am at a loss what to believe anymore. I just feel this behaviour is inappropriate for a commited relationship and I feel I don't trust him now which it is affecting our relationship. Am I in the right to feeling this is inappropriate behaviour for him and these woman?

How do I handle this? How do I rebuild trust again?


Please Help!
Ok here goes now I now this is hard for those of us that have been hurt before by someone else and I am sure many of us that have had that done before tend to have a hard time adjusting to new relationships or current ones that may reflect any parts of that dreadful one that hurt us. I am a guy and yes I have had this happen and came to realize this is not a one sided answer for anyone else to reply to because it is different in its own unique ways and we all want to know that we are ok doing what we need to do in order for us to feel happy but once again that sometimes causes us to loose track of ration and reason by putting out own emotions in to the equation ever to often.

That said, which I hope makes sense, then here is what I have learned to do for myself and it may or may not be what works for you it's just a point at which to begin to clearly make decisions that are not biased by the relationship itself.

What I do now is think to myself ok one if I have to step over bounds that require me to react in a way that I wouldn't find acceptable or it would bother me then I take a note of it and save it in a diary or notebook. Then I talk to my partner and ask them what make this relationship so good for the both of us just as causal as you could ask it.

Then I press the points that we both need to discuss what our ideas of a true relationship are and if we both want this as a long term deal or if it's more likely we should consider just being friends I know this stuff is very hard on some of us that have been hurt bad and fear that issue of rejection but I feel it less rejecting if we both discuss what bothers each of us most about the other and then discuss that if we are to make it work then we both have to acknowledge each others needs and wants and if something makes either of us unhappy then that's what we have to make a goal to fix and give it an actual date like 12/27/2011 note just say by the end of a few weeks or months.

Now in this case I say case cause I know how we each are all easily biased because of this happening to one us too and let that affect our true random judgement or rational thinking! Yes its so hard and hurts but I can tell in this case if I were having to repeat that it bothered me and got no substantial feedback resulting in some sort of change and not the fact that someone is mocking or making fun of me and who is supposed to love me then that's where it has to end yes it hurts but hurts more if you tend to over exert your acceptance for a much longer period of time then ending it just makes it a lot worse.

Relationships that work are the ones where those married couples whom have been married for 30-50 years, still smile at one another every day they see each other and put one another first before all others is in my opinion an eaxample of perfection even in unperfect ways lol.

OK yada yada fireheart first and foremost try hard as it may be to not be sneaky and look at someone else's private things meaning emails, messages etc. cause if you start that you are gonna make yourself look like the bad one first and second your doing something that someone who love you would just upon asking not give you more then two answers that didn't seem right. It hurts to have this happen to anyone trust me but if you can't honestly have your partner who is supposedly the one that loves and cares about you be open and honest with anything then your working on a "LEMON" hope you have a Merry Christmas and good luck!
 
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