Who pays (and why and what it means)


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E1izabeth is offline E1izabeth Post #1  July 20,2009, 10:28am
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I have a friend who went on a first date last night. It was supposed to be a picnic and a free play in a park, but they were rained out and ended up at a movie and having a drink and snacks at a bar afterward. She likes this guy and is planning another date with him.

This is what she said to me this morning: "He wouldn't let me pay for the movie tickets, the beer or the snacks. I got to buy us some bottled water. Yay for me, though: I shut up about it. (I just feel so weird about people treating me without allowing me to treat back or at least balance things out a bit.)"

I'm curious what other people think about picking up the tab. I tend to be a little old-fashioned and a lot Southern about the way I date. To wit:

If I really like a guy and I plan to go out with him again, I usually thank him for picking up the check for dinner (or whatever we do) and/or try to contribute to the evening in some way ("Can I get the popcorn and sodas?" or "Why don't we walk around a little bit, and then let me buy you some dessert or coffee."), or I will make it a point to "host" a nice date for him very soon afterward.

If I like the guy, but I'm not sure how the evening's going from his end, I'll offer to pick up or split our check. And if I don't like the guy at all, I'll try to insist on it (politely).

But I think there's something ungracious or rude about wrestling the check away from someone else. I think it suggests score keeping, or a really keen desire not to be in debt to, or connected to, your date.

What I really want to know, though, is what guys think about all of this.
 
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E1izabeth is offline E1izabeth Post #2  July 20,2009, 12:08pm
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Sorry, y'all; I just realized there's a VERY lively conversation about this on the dating boards, and it was probably redundant to talk about it here.

I plead newbie.
 
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Robecology is offline Robecology Post #3  July 23,2009, 8:13am

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E1izabeth wrote :
Sorry, y'all; I just realized there's a VERY lively conversation about this on the dating boards, and it was probably redundant to talk about it here.

I plead newbie.
You're generous with your emotions as well as your money....but that is rare, and very desirable in a woman (and need I say us guys as well?).

Here's my strategy. If you're single, and it's a first date, and you know, in general, the others' financial position, then the polite/proper thing would be whoever initiates the date should initiate the offer to pay the main tab; so you've been mature, responsible, courteous and more than fair.

Having said that; the counter- or follow-up offers, or lack thereof with a followup on the date (as you rightfully suggested) can be big red or green flags. If the guy (or gal) ends up paying for everything, RED flag says the date who never even offered is not interested, greedy, selfish, unfair or just not that in to you. Offering to chip in on the first date is an offer (and green flag) of fairness for the expenses of the rest of the relationship - perhaps a lifetime (not to mention [s]he's already impressed). Just don't go too far and "snatch the bill" or insist too much to help or pay your share....that can be a red flag as well (in other words you're not interested and wants the date to feel no obligation because [s]he paid the bill) Read and save the gist of this message and you'll have no money problems with your future S.O.
 
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Sunnywang is offline Sunnywang Post #4  July 24,2009, 1:37am
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I am a Chinese girl .Iwant to say how to permance in Chinese in this case . The first time the guy must pay the bill ,If he likes the girl he will date her ,if not he will not date .if the girl does not want to owe him favors she will pay herself ,but Under normal circumstances,she does not pay herself .
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  July 24,2009, 6:45am
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Sunnywang wrote :
I am a Chinese girl .Iwant to say how to permance in Chinese in this case . The first time the guy must pay the bill ,If he likes the girl he will date her ,if not he will not date .if the girl does not want to owe him favors she will pay herself ,but Under normal circumstances,she does not pay herself .
So in China, if the guy pays for dates, he gets 'favors' ?

*heads to passport office*
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #6  July 24,2009, 7:21am
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favors?You mean like Jordanian almonds?
Last edited by timeless2; July 24,2009 at 8:44am. Reason: the wedding cake kind?
 
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Sunnywang is offline Sunnywang Post #7  July 24,2009, 6:08pm
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Yes ,he gets favors,But if you don't want to owe him anything,you can pay the bill ,but there is no chance again to date.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #8  July 25,2009, 3:32am
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Sunnywang wrote :
Yes ,he gets favors,But if you don't want to owe him anything,you can pay the bill ,but there is no chance again to date.
Latin culture is very similar...I wouldn't dare offer to pay any part of a date if I was out with a latino man. Well....at least that is how my father raised me to think, and how it has been on the few dates I've had with latino men...can't speak for them all. Must be all that unnecessary machismo!

Which is why I always get confused about who pays...but if you stick around on the eha boards, you will find many opinions on this subject, and some really progressive views. I know these boards have immensely helped me to get my dating norms in-sync with the 21st century!

When all else fails...offer anyway...if he refuses you can do something really nice for him later on if you're still dating...maybe offer to cook dinner for him, or ask him out and surprise him with a really nice date you planned.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #9  July 25,2009, 3:40am
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Robecology wrote :
You're generous with your emotions as well as your money....but that is rare, and very desirable in a woman (and need I say us guys as well?).

Here's my strategy. If you're single, and it's a first date, and you know, in general, the others' financial position, then the polite/proper thing would be whoever initiates the date should initiate the offer to pay the main tab; so you've been mature, responsible, courteous and more than fair.

Having said that; the counter- or follow-up offers, or lack thereof with a followup on the date (as you rightfully suggested) can be big red or green flags. If the guy (or gal) ends up paying for everything, RED flag says the date who never even offered is not interested, greedy, selfish, unfair or just not that in to you. Offering to chip in on the first date is an offer (and green flag) of fairness for the expenses of the rest of the relationship - perhaps a lifetime (not to mention [s]he's already impressed). Just don't go too far and "snatch the bill" or insist too much to help or pay your share....that can be a red flag as well (in other words you're not interested and wants the date to feel no obligation because [s]he paid the bill) Read and save the gist of this message and you'll have no money problems with your future S.O.
Excellent advice...and really insightful POV.

Which is why I love this group and peek my head in from time to time. This group affords me the opportunity to 'see' what men think...from every angle. It is a place where men can say what they really think.

Though the administrator of this group is gone, I hope this group stays alive and well for a very long time!

BTW: I may not always post because I am too busy reading...reading...reading the many posts...but I am here!
 
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Robecology is offline Robecology Post #10  July 29,2009, 3:48am

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tweet37 wrote :
So in China, if the guy pays for dates, he gets 'favors' ?

*heads to passport office*
But remember; if she pays, no favors.

And that's for permance only...whatever that is...

Better stay here, dude...
Last edited by Robecology; July 29,2009 at 3:51am. Reason: forgot smile!
 
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