A question for men in their forties and fifties


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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #11  August 10,2009, 12:26pm
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deepblueyes wrote :
Bocca,

I think its fine that you date women in their 20's & 30's with you being in your 40's and all. And that it seems to be working for you. That's great. Is it working for the women that you are dating?
May I ask a question(s) -- what on earth do you talk about? what are your interest points that you have in common?

I myself have dated guys 7-10 years younger -- and I have to say -- it was fun but pretty superficial if I was to be honest--but not up for consideration in the long term. I'm no cougar.

Are your dates aware that you are not seeking a LTR?

Just wondering.

DBEs
My dates are not only aware that I'm not interested in a LTR, neither are they. I make sure of that very early in our conversations.
Is it working for them? I wish you could ask them yourself but I've never had any complaints. We have fun. We talk about lots of things. I have a knack for finding interesting things to talk about and most of the women I date are professionals with like-minded experience. I tend to find women who view dating as I do: as an activity and way to do things with the opposite sex. I avoid women who use dating as a means to a LTR. Doing so would be hurtful, disingenuous and mean.
By the way, I never said I never date women in their 40s. I actually do. It's a big 'ol mix of gals.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #12  August 10,2009, 12:43pm
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Does it seem as though many women in their 30s and older think of women in their 20s as naive?

Isn't it possible that a woman in her twenties could be an accomplished professional respected in her field? Is it not possible that she could be very well informed about national and world affairs (or even be involved in events or be a reporter or analyst of such events)?

Perhaps being demeaning of younger women ("what could they possibly have to say that would be of interest?" or such statements) betrays what the speaker thinks of HERSELF at an earlier age? Could it be that SHE was naive -- and thinks all other women must be similar?

As an alternative, could the demeaning attitude also reflect jealousy or competitiveness (or poor losing spirit)?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #13  August 10,2009, 12:57pm
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Well JD, it might be a mixture of both. I have found that if one says something perceived as a rejection of an entire group of people, it's taken very personally. I don't think Deepblueeyes is by any means upset at what I wrote. After all, I was writing as honest as I could about my own experiences. But it could be, down the line, seen as hopeless.
There is some truth that many women in their 20's& 30's know nothing of politics, world events, and music that I listen to. But since I'm not interested in anything long term (and no-not just sex either), this issue doesn't come into play. By the way, many women in their 40's are not very much different than they were in their 20's. But I digress because I'm just as immature as I was in my 20s too!!
The bottom line is, as we age, we men actually have MORE choices, have learned the subtle ways of attraction, are more secure in our lives, and don't need female companionship at the detriment of our own happiness and goals. This is something our counterparts in the female world have a hard time coping with. Because it's a reversal of what we were in our 20's.
I went to my 20th high school reunion a few years ago. Those women who were at the top of the food chain in high school (and me at or near the bottom) were dismayed by my lack of interest in them-all the while secretly passing me their business cards. It didn't help that I had a very lovely young gal as my date.
So, the dynamics of age change with time. Not bad, not good...it just is.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #14  August 10,2009, 2:56pm
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Bocca,

I am in a different age category than you – just about to turn seventy. I have NOTHING in common with most women my age (other than being born before WWII).

I do not care about a woman's age. Some who are twenty are far more accomplished, informed, experienced and interesting than many who are decades older. Perhaps the same is true of males, but I am not interested in dating males.

Many women do NOT improve with age – or gain by experience. If anything, many seem to contract into a shell of their former selves. Surely, some were vibrant, exciting women earlier in life – but now, read their profiles – the first thing they mention is often that the most important thing in their life is either their grandchildren, their pets, or their church activities.

How can they relate to a man who is NOT sedentary, who rides a mountain bike, goes canoeing, runs a chainsaw for hours at a time, builds or repairs facilities on public lands, gets up before daybreak anxious to start each new and exciting day? Many or most who are fifty can't keep up.

I have encountered, among women who are "old enough to know", gross ignorance of national and world affairs, economics, geography, communication, computers, etc, etc. What makes them say that the 20 something women are shallow and naïve?

Many post-forty women are also sexual Victorians (very unlike many of their younger counterparts) and classic stereotypes (who wouldn't dream of initiating contact with a man). Some seem proud of their refusal – but puzzled that other women – who are willing to initiate contact – get all the attention.

How many women past forty can be honestly characterized as bold and exciting? Aren't they vastly outnumbered by their contemporaries who are timid, afraid, tentative and security-driven?

It is VERY common to for women's profiles to specify that they seek "a man who can make me laugh" – so a comedian should "make out like a bandit". The next thing is "someone who is fun, fun, fun" (cruise lines employ distinguished older males for this function). Then "someone who will take me to fine restaurants and cruises and dances.

Is it any wonder that many 40+ men prefer OTHER women (perhaps regardless of age) who do not bring along the common baggage?
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #15  August 10,2009, 3:14pm
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See JD,
You're the perfect example of what I hope to be in my 70s: outgoing, alive and ready to live life. You're right that many women past 40 that I know really do feel the entitlement they had that their sexual power gave them in their 20s. The difference being that women in their 20s now have less of a sense of that same entitlement but with their complete sexual power intact...and are willing and ready to date guys like me. So given my choices; well it's pretty clear.
That being said, I know a woman, 41, sexy, smart, considerate, and nice. I do date her. She's an amazing woman. But she's torn because she eventually wants to get married again. Too bad-I enjoy her company a lot.
 
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deepblueyes is offline deepblueyes Post #16  August 11,2009, 10:33am
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boccabum wrote :
My dates are not only aware that I'm not interested in a LTR, neither are they. I make sure of that very early in our conversations.
Is it working for them? I wish you could ask them yourself but I've never had any complaints. We have fun. We talk about lots of things. I have a knack for finding interesting things to talk about and most of the women I date are professionals with like-minded experience. I tend to find women who view dating as I do: as an activity and way to do things with the opposite sex. I avoid women who use dating as a means to a LTR. Doing so would be hurtful, disingenuous and mean.
By the way, I never said I never date women in their 40s. I actually do. It's a big 'ol mix of gals.

Bocca --

I am glad that you are honest and forthright with your dates. That was the answer I was hoping to hear. Sooooo - what it is that you are doing is working for you and your dates -- good for you.

DBEs
 
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deepblueyes is offline deepblueyes Post #17  August 11,2009, 10:51am
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JDavid wrote :
Does it seem as though many women in their 30s and older think of women in their 20s as naive?

Isn't it possible that a woman in her twenties could be an accomplished professional respected in her field? Is it not possible that she could be very well informed about national and world affairs (or even be involved in events or be a reporter or analyst of such events)?

Perhaps being demeaning of younger women ("what could they possibly have to say that would be of interest?" or such statements) betrays what the speaker thinks of HERSELF at an earlier age? Could it be that SHE was naive -- and thinks all other women must be similar?

As an alternative, could the demeaning attitude also reflect jealousy or competitiveness (or poor losing spirit)?
JD --

wow -- I don't know whether to thank you for the therapy session -- or to point out that your reaction is kinda off base.

of course it is possible and probable that a women in her 20 - 30s would be successful and well- informed, fun and have a lot to offer her date. The same can be true of women at any age. the same goes for men - i might add. what i was trying to find out was the commonality of POV.

there isn't any intent of a demeaning, jealous, competitivness or poor losing spirit on my part in the least.

DBEs
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #18  August 12,2009, 1:21am

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jlf1964 wrote :
I have noticed that most of the men in my desired age range tend to close me almost immediately (40 to 52). I also seem to attract men who are in their mid to late 50s. For my own reasons I am not interested in men more than 7 years my senior or more than 5 years my junior, even if they are "young" or "mature" for their age. As you can see from my pic, I don't look older than I am...matter of fact I get told by people all the time that I look anywhere from my late twenties to early thirties. I can't help but wonder if men in their forties are hoping to get matched with a twenty something to prove to themselves and the world that they still have game...and the fifty somethings are interested in me for the same reason. I really hope not but would like the honest truth from you guys.

E Harmony gives out monthly presents to those who close out the quickest and most matches! Don't worry, we all get closed out. People on E H are freaked out paranoid who close out all new matches (or most new matches) 5.2 seconds after they get those matches.

I've dated older women for the past 15 years. Now I'm searching for women my age. I'm in my forties however most of those women are unattractive. I work out five days a week and look younger than my age.

In the past I avoided looking for a woman younger than me because they tend to have younger children. I'll still look at women my age but have decided to focus on women younger than me. Someone who can keep up and watch a movie without falling asleep.

Of course now I'll be punished and be matched up with someone younger than me who will be saying "come on old man, keep up!@
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #19  August 12,2009, 5:54am
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I agree with those above about 50-ish women often not being able to keep up.

There is something else I have run into several times that makes women of that age-group undesireable.

The purpose of looking for a relationship is to find a relationship - a REAL relationship that answers one's needs for companionship/love/affection etc. So when a person (either gender) meets someone and quickly learns that they will be 5th or 6th - or LAST, in line for that person's attention/affection - there is no reason to get into that relationship and a lot of reason to avoid it.

But that's what many women offer men today - the chance to be LAST IN LINE behind her grandbabies and her children and her house and her womens' clubs and her hobbies, or nursemaiding her aged parents. In addition, many of them expect the man to finance her career as "Gramma of the Year".
or "Gardener of the Month" etc. Sadly, many women do not realize (or care) that that is not a relationship at all and it is certainly not a relationship that provides anything positive for the man. Yet they have no idea why men don't rush to get into such arrangements.
 
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deepblueyes is offline deepblueyes Post #20  August 12,2009, 10:37am
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Seneca wrote :
I agree with those above about 50-ish women often not being able to keep up.

There is something else I have run into several times that makes women of that age-group undesireable.

The purpose of looking for a relationship is to find a relationship - a REAL relationship that answers one's needs for companionship/love/affection etc. So when a person (either gender) meets someone and quickly learns that they will be 5th or 6th - or LAST, in line for that person's attention/affection - there is no reason to get into that relationship and a lot of reason to avoid it.

But that's what many women offer men today - the chance to be LAST IN LINE behind her grandbabies and her children and her house and her womens' clubs and her hobbies, or nursemaiding her aged parents. In addition, many of them expect the man to finance her career as "Gramma of the Year".
or "Gardener of the Month" etc. Sadly, many women do not realize (or care) that that is not a relationship at all and it is certainly not a relationship that provides anything positive for the man. Yet they have no idea why men don't rush to get into such arrangements.

I have to agree with Seneca, its given me a slightly different perspective.

As a 50ish woman -- who feels and acts more like 35 (most days). I don't have children -- and therefore no grandchildren.
However -- I do run into men who do have MANY more family obligations than I. The same goes for some women I know who are busy with other obligations outside of dating.
In the last year or so I have dated two men who in all actually had NO time to date anyone - let alone become involved with a significant other in a meaningful way. And yes -- I felt that I was way down on the list of "to dos". Not pleasant.
So the lesson learned here -- by both genders -- is to make this a criteria within the vetting process. Perhaps its as much of a time and effort issue as it is an age issue. More broadly yet -- a life's circumstances issue. Ask the questions -- "how much time can or are you willing to devote to a relationship, as well as, how well have you aged, what other obligations do you have?" Perhaps that is an assumption that we (men and women) are all making erroneously -- that folks on this site are truely able to make the time - no matter what the circumstances.

DBEs
 
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