Robecology is offline Robecology Post #1  June 23,2009, 4:44pm

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I have a unique idea that needs feedback. I met my recent lady friend about 3 years ago. I was relatively much more in to fitness than apparently she was; but she promised she would pick up the slack. She said she was x pounds on the website, but she turned out to be x +10 When we met. I said maybe this won't work, she said let me try.

She was with it for a while, got close to that healthy weight, but then fell off the wagon; Hey; I know it's not easy; I parallel it to drug /alcohol addiction because I know before we could talk and walk we had our eating habits set for us, but I was hoping against hope that she could do it. Now she's x + 40.

So here's the unique idea that needs your feedback.

It's a bet.

For every pound she loses, I offered her $x amount, with the amount going up every 10 pounds she got closer to her goal. The amount offered if she gets to a healthy BMI (google it) was close to $3k. And I challenged her to make it a bet; ie; if she gains weight, she owes me $$ back.

I look at it as a serious, last ditch offer to reward her for getting where she promised to be on day one. She takes it as an insult. Was I wrong for making the offer? Am I trying to change her too much? Does she love food more than me? Should I say goodbye/goodluck and start over? Or should I just be patient? Is it a good idea for those of us who want our [wo]man to lose weight and get fit? Talk to me. I need to make a decision here.

Thanks, Robecology
 
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outlaw1 is offline outlaw1 Post #2  June 23,2009, 7:24pm

Time for the phalanx to go back to work...

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Doctors and Scientists agree, positive reinforcement works better than negative reinforcement. Go for it.

It if works, it might change her life.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #3  June 24,2009, 5:57am
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Here's a "positive reinforcement" that worked on me – not to lose weight, but to quit smoking my pipe (which I had loved smoking since early adulthood).

A very uninhibited girlfriend asked me what it would take to get me to quit. I replied, "Make me an offer". She did. To which I said that if she would write it down and sign it, I would quit. She did. I did.

The deal was that I would not touch the pipes for thirty days, then she would "deliver". (Don't ask unless we are well acquainted.)

 The short-term result was marvelous. The long-term result was that I gave away a great collection of pipes (including some sweet smoking meerschaums) and didn't smoke one again for twenty-five years (then did for a time but quit again).

Our relationship did not last anywhere close to twenty-five years, but her effect did – and the whole issue is still a pleasant memory.

 I cannot say that anything similar will work for weight control – but it might be worth a try with the right person.

 
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ctredsoxfan is offline ctredsoxfan Post #4  June 24,2009, 7:49am
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We all have our crosses to bear, extra weight being one of them in women over 50. My own personal reason was for ME...not for any man! I feel better about myself, look better in the mirror, though not quite as young as I used to! You need to get your lady friend to WANT to feel good about herself, FOR herself. Believe it or not, we are our own best friends. Good luck to you...and best of luck to her. If you love her, you will want her to be healthy for her own good, not yours.
 
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timeless2 is offline timeless2 Post #5  June 25,2009, 8:36am
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I agree with ctfan and also that money is temporary. Losing weight is a lifestyle change.
 
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Lisa4fellowship is offline Lisa4fellowship Post #6  June 26,2009, 11:16am
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Hi everyone!
( JDavid, Love your comments as always. (check your mail. I'm "asking") chuckling.)

First, you were honorably honest with your lady when you discussed the issue in the begining of your relationship. Inmy opinion, You are doing a healthy thing by recognising the things which are imortant to you in a relationship, and you have been honest with her about it.

She agreed to make it important to her and then , she just wasn't honest about the decision NOT TO.
By NOT doing what she said she would do, she made a consciouse decision not to. She just didn't TELL YOU, she wasn't going to change.

This would be my first concern. She makes a decision to NOT CARE about her health, everytime she choses to do something that hurts her health. But she hasn't veerbalised that decision to you, KNOWING you've told her it's something you want in a relationship. YOU have been fair with her. SHE has not been fair with you. ( Huge major red flag)

OK. I'm done with that tangent.

Your lady has to find out what the root cause of her lack of health is. It can be a variety of things not always due to lack of self controll.Though that often plays a role obviously. Lack of self respect is another contributer. Under developed coping skills is another. All of these things become additional relationship issues that you cannot cure. She has to take responsibility for her own emotional and physical disorders, in order to take controll of her eating and excersise/ activity habits.

For a person to ask you if Your love is not deep enough to accept her as she is.... this is actualy a manipulation tactic, intended to provoke you to feel guilty for what you hold important, and to remove her from feeling responsible to recognise what you feel important in a relationship.( huge major red flag)

The goal...... is to require you indirectly, and dishonestly, to let go of the hope of receiving what you want, by provoking you to think there is something wronge with your own desire.( huge major red flag!)

Now, if you are willing to be a partner with her, in helping her to heal from th ethings which are contributing to her emotional and physical disorders, I beleive that signals you are loving her. If she is not willing to recover, She is not loving herself. If she is not willing to be honest with you, She is not even being a freind to you. Love hasn't entered the equation if she isn't even behaving as a freind.

If you beleive there are enough good things in your relationship to warrant futher consideration. I would recomend immediately addressing the above issues through immediate counseling. These issues cannot be pin pointed or healed without counseling.

If your lady doesn't want to pursue immediate counseling, I don't beleive shes offering you ANY HOPE of a healthy relationship. NOT emotionaly or physicaly.

I wish you well,

Hate it or love it, pure honesty.
Lisa
 
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dakota06 is offline dakota06 Post #7  June 27,2009, 5:45am
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This whole thread makes me sick!! This very line of thought threw me into an eating disorder -unable to accept myself for who I was - beautiful and talented in my own right. (went down to 95 lbs at 5'4" and eating no more than 400 caleries a day) All to try to please the man I loved. I only wanted to be loved back!! did not realize that the man was incapable of love. If any one uses manipulation like mentioned here to try to change you - Keep this in mind. God is the only one who can affect change in your life. If your interest has one flaw that you cannot stand - and they all will!! - The use "The Dear Abby question" Are you better off with him/her or without him/her? - add a second question - is this a habit that I can live positively and happily with? if you can - wonderful - If you cannot - then stop waisting eachother's time. It's about time we start loving eachother for who we are warts and all.
 
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outlaw1 is offline outlaw1 Post #8  June 27,2009, 1:39pm

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I guess this is a much bigger issue for women than many of us men understand.
 
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Lisa4fellowship is offline Lisa4fellowship Post #9  June 27,2009, 2:06pm
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Dakota 06,

You have sadly missed the real thing being discussed in this thread, because of your injury, from the abuse you suffered. It has been stated here repeatedly that the issue is about HEALTH. Obviousely, one who is truely health conscouse, is not desiring annorexia. In addition to that, One needs not be tottaly slim in order to be healthy either.

I saw my mother eat diet pills when I was growing up, and she did not need to. I was very young when I determined NEVER to DIET. I do want to be healthy, and I'm determined to make healthy choices.

I also want a healthy person in my life romanticaly, so I relate to Dawgs dilemma. Health status effects relationships. It is a fair subject to consider and evaluate. Health issues which are out of our control, are often instigated by unhealthy choices that lead to problems.

Health differences can play a major role in who we're attracted to. That's just honest. It doesn't mean a person is valued less as a person.
Please try to understand and not be hurt by what has been said here.
On behalf of your ex-boyfreind, I am sorry for the abuse he inflicted on you.
Congratulations for making the choice to get out!

Take care of yourself,

Lisa
 
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meri75 is offline meri75 Post #10  June 27,2009, 8:11pm
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outlaw1 wrote :
I guess this is a much bigger issue for women than many of us men understand.
Hmm ... I think it depends upon several factors such as: was the OP read correctly (I am guilty of this - I skim read and can so easily miss the point), personal experience, cultural norm etc etc. Such an eye-opener too ... before eHA forums, I'd no idea that some men are feeling women are only into them (or not) due to height and salary status. Never even occurred to me to make either of those 'to be met' requirements before dating.
 
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