Please Help A Scared Widowed Man Back To The Dating Population!!


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McLovin39 is offline McLovin39 Post #1  April 23,2009, 6:33pm
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I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
 
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outlaw1 is offline outlaw1 Post #2  April 25,2009, 3:59am

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McLovin39, wrote :

I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
Sorry to hear about your wife. Grieving is never an easy thing. Have you joined any grieving groups and/or websites? That helped me. Try to get a friend, a platonic relationship. Either online here at eha or offline. And share some activities with her. You can also talk to some women here on eha and get some feedback.


That's what I didonce when I was crushed after a relationship ended. Also think about volunteering if you have some time. I used to read mytown's weekly newspaper and go to one event a week if I could. Good luck.
 
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askaquestion is offline askaquestion Post #3  April 27,2009, 3:22am
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i am sorry that you lost a very wonderful woman. i will tell you that you are entering the dating game too soon. You need to have time to grieve and become the man you are. Perhaps this will explain what I am trying to say...in divorce it takes about 5 years to get over your ex wife or ex husband. There are stages and these stages help us let go and forgive what has happened. If we get into a relationship too soon it is often for the wrong reasons and we run the chance of meeting someone like we were married to . It doesn't sound so bad for you because you had a wonderful wife,but you need time so that you do not rush into anything that may seem like what you had before. Take time to get comfortable in being yourself and this can include taking courses, joining clubs, and in time you will find yourself taliking with single women and learning how to just be yourself with them. Take care.
 
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big_mack1 is offline big_mack1 Post #4  April 27,2009, 11:41am
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Mack, I think this post that I recently made in another thread may help you.


http://advice.eharmony.com/?page=view_thread&TID=28677&start=0#533539


My wife of 31 years passed away sometime after midnight on Aug 26, 07. Actually, I lost her (as far as her soul) 5 years prior to that date to the demons of alcohol and prescription pill abuse. It finally took its toll on her body and she died at the ripe old age of 50. I have since married a wonderful woman (a widow herself) who has just as much respect for me as I do for her. She had nearly given up on meeting the "right" man because she had been through several bad relationships over the last 15 years, and it seemed to her that men were all users and liars who only cared about themselves. I changed her perspective on those falsehoods by being completely honest with her, spoiling her rotten, and showing that NOT all men are created equal.


When I gave her flowers on our first date, she cried, and I assumed that it was because they were the wrong kind/color or some other terrible mistake. She eventually told me that nobody had EVER given her flowers, whereupon, I told her that she'd better get used to it. She had never had a man open doors for her or pull her chair out for her to be seated.


As far as askaquestion's post, I feel that there is no set "timeframe" to grieve. By the time I had flown home from Texas (I was on the road when she died), I was already in a major funk, had written a poem to print on the programs, started some lyrics to help me vent (one majoradvantge of being a songwriter...), and the daunting task of planning an upcomingfuneral loomed ahead whenmy planelanded. I still have occasional guilt about not being there when she died. I was an over-the-road trucker, but now I work locally in order to spend more time with the only 2 grandchildren I'll ever have. They may no longerhave a "Nanna", but they are sure as hell going to have a "Super Papa" to make up for it!


As I stated in the link tomy other post, I had recently grieved the loss of my 21 year-old daughter, grieved when we had a major house fire, and grieved when I lost the only wife I'd ever had, allin the space of 4 years. Each type of my grief was different, but they were experienced, nonetheless. It made me that much more stronger, compassionate, and generous, as well as forcing me to change my priorities in life (which were all upside down: Work, Family, God, instead of the other way around).


Along the way, I also lost two very close childhood friends and another relative was diagnosed with lung cancer, which he succombed to shortly before my wife died. Grief was a feeling I knew quite well by the time my wife passed away, but I had learned how to deal with it, or at least how to cope with it fairly well. I knew all the "stages" of grief by heart. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Guilt. Depression. Acceptance/ Recovery.


Some people need a shorter amount of time, some need a long time, and some never get over a loss. (My wife actually never got over the death of our daughter).


So, what is my advice to you? Simple, enroll in a club or organization. Go to a concert or car show. Take a wine-tasting tour. Buy a motorcycle. Join a church singles group. Anything! Get out of that big, empty house an just go somewhere you've never been. Life is too freaking short. After all, you will be dead a lot longer than you'll be alive. Make a complete lifestyle change, because you can never go back to the life that had with your late wife. As for my new bride and I, I tell my friends that I had the luxury of having two lives- one with my late wife, and one with my new wife. (I use one of our wedding photo as my avatar here.)


By changing something in your routine, you are helping yourself to "move-on", without completely forgetting about somebody you cared for and loved. Just be sure that when you decide to settle down with another woman, that she will not want a thousand photos of your late wife adorning the walls of the house you will share with a new woman. The reason for that is simple. You will be sharing a new life with another woman, not your late wife, so decorate your house accordingly.


Hang in there, and remember these words that my best friend told me while I was grieving my late wife:


"The pain of a loss is the price we must pay forloving, andbeing loved by, somebody."


Rock on...


Mack
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #5  April 28,2009, 4:07am
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McLovin39, wrote :

I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship - you can't tell anyone whether you are or aren't into games - it's your actions that do the talking. When you are just being yourself and treat her well, that's all you need to do. Dating is a mating game/dance/whatever you wish to call it. I sympathize with your loss and it will be very difficult to move from the comfortable and the know to the unknown. The key is to keep an open mind, a very open mind and to treat it as an adventure and a learning experience. Do not go on a date thinking you are about to enter a new relationship. Go on a date thinking that hopefully you are about to meet a new person and let's see how it goes. Maybe it will be fun, maybe not. Maybe you'll click and maybe not, but either way, you met someone new and perhaps you enjoyed yourself a little.


How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there - start by dropping this type of a jaded bitter view of men and dating. Most men, in fact the very grand majority, are good men out there. A better question to ask yourself is what do you have to offer that is interesting to a woman? Do you have hobbies, interests? Something to talk about? Something to share? Most men out there are nice and treat women well, what will make you stand out just a little? Please don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you only have good manners, open doors, take her to dinner, that you are somehow better than your other fellow men. Just about every man out there will do that for a woman. If you have certain interests, join clubs activity groups, etc. You'll end up meeting women who are into the same things as you and you never know where that can lead. I can tell you as a woman, that a man with interests, a capacity to talk and share different ideas, views, experiences will almost always catch my interest and even if the physical attraction is not there, we'll often end up being friends.


How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? - You can't make anyone do anything. Always your actions speak for themselves and creating a relationship with someone be it friendship or more takes time and effort on boths sides. You simply can't force that or pressure that to happen. This takes time and natural flow.


Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. - Nothing ventured nothing gained right? When someone has serious baggage, it will show fairly early on. Nobody puts a gun to your head to date a person who is wrong for you. If you see character traits or behaviors that you do not like or find hurtfull, you simply leave them. You are in control of your life and certainly in control of what you will and won't tolerate from another human being. Would you tolerate an abusive friend? No. This is not any different. You have to know your boundaries and what you will and won't put up with. Always remember that when someone is being mean to you, you are not a helpless child and you do have the option to say "I will not tolerate this type of behavior." and walk away from that.


Ultimately I'm very sorry about the loss of your wife, however, reading your post, it truly seems to me that you are not in any kind of an emotional shape to date and create a healthy relationship with someone else. I have an overwhelming impression that you are still in grief and are desperately trying to fill a void. The thing is that nobody can ever fill that void. You must deal with your grief and you must deal with your emotions and loneliness. Once you are standing back on your own two feet and no longer feel the desperation coming across in your post, then you will be ready to move forward with your life and to find a relationship that will actually work out for the both of you. For now, I would recommend that you fill your time with friends and hobbies and interest that maybe you've put off pursuing. First and foremost, find the joy of living again, be comfortable in your own skin. Once that happens, finding a partner won't be that hard.
 
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legend29 is offline legend29 Post #6  April 28,2009, 4:10pm
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Wow!...some really great advice in this thread.


McLovin...I don't know when is the right time for you to try to begin to date again, but you definitely came to the right group for advice and camraderie.


Welcome to the boards!
 
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sweetswf is offline sweetswf Post #7  April 28,2009, 6:06pm
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McLovin39, wrote :

I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
There are many wonderful women out there. I would suggest you find a Christian singles group. Also, you can find a woman that was married for many years like you. I'm in that group.I was married to the same man for 21 years and was always loyal. Just take your time. Also - there are meet up groups for all sorts of interests. There you can get to know people and not worry about dating for awhile. After ending such a long relationship it takes a while to find out who you really are without your spouse. It would be good get do some soul searching about what you want and who you would like to be.
 
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Cricket09 is offline Cricket09 Post #8  May 2,2009, 9:23pm
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McLovin39, wrote :

I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
I'm all for the 'no games approach', butof the matches I've communicated with through eharmony, I met two in person. Despite my profile and emails, they still each made comments to the effect that they wanted to go away with me, now. This was on the first meeting. My profile clearly says that I am a Christian and my faith is important to me. I'm confused! Why bother meeting with me when I've given no indication that I am looking for recreational sex?


I've been hurt, but who hasn't. I'm not wanting to hurt someone in return, just the opposite.


So, I don't know how you get us to believe you when you say you want to get to know us. I've only been on Eharmony a month, so I guess I shouldn't give up yet. Maybe you and I both need to give it some time; there has to be genuine people out there looking for a lasting relationship.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #9  May 7,2009, 9:13pm
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McLovin39, wrote :

I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
Gee. where are you? First of all relax. I have found in my singledom that it's slim pickings out there. There are women who are going to appreciate all that you offer (I know I would) and I am one of the great women that is unfortunately single, but you will know when you have found the right one and you won't have to explain a thing because your thinking will be her thinking also. I think you are secure in knowing what you want and don't exchange this thinking for something that seems easier or convenient. I have been single for over 21 months and only one date in that time period that was so horrid I wish I would not have put myself in that position. To keep myself from doing something I'd regret later, I bought myself a kitten and he became my company. I live in a new place and work alot so I haven't had the chance to make friends in this town. If you live somewhere where you have friends, I am sure they can help set you up with a date that would be of interest. I myself plan on going to festivals in the area and when I find a man that looks interesting I am going to approach him and say something off the top of my head totally either funny or witty that will catch his attention. You ask how will I do this? He will be inspiration enough. (Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart...Psalms 37:4)
 
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Lisa4fellowship is offline Lisa4fellowship Post #10  May 11,2009, 7:44am
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McLovin39, wrote :

I lost my wife to the complications of diabetes and renal failure on Oct of 2008. We were married for 15 years. She was my everything. She took the time to learn me appreciate me, and love me with the good and the bad. Here's what scares me, I don't know how to talk to these women of todAY. How do you talk to them and tell them that you are not in to games. that you are a genuine person looking for companionship.How do you explain to a good woman that u are not like most men, who want a booty call, but that you want to be there friend first and then become their lover if the love is there. How do you get them to believe you, understand you, listen to you? Then again I'm scared that a woman who is scorned, will try to hurt me and abuse me because of what another man did to her. And i will have to pay for another man's sins. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. It seems that all the great women are taken or dead. I feel like Dr.David Banner(incredible hulk) running from coast to coast seeking a cure. A cure to come up with the perfect way to meet a great woman. Please help me, im beginning to think that the dating game is a dead end.
Dear Mclovin39,


My name is Lisa. I was married to a man who had cancer, but who was in remmission whenI met him, and whenI married him. When I met him, I was sooo tired of mens games. "The booty call" game.I wanted to basicaly banish all men from my life and just completely start over and look for a different breed to hang out with. The thing is, most of my freinds are, and always have been men. I usualy find out after a short span of time if being freinds is acceptable, or if they are only after a romance, or sexual relationship. The two not always being linked together in their minds as they are in mine. So, when I met Jim, I was in a laundry room at my apartment building, looking my absolute worst, with a ponytail in my hair of all things. ( haha, not the best look for me at all)


My neighbors freind was attempting to set me up with his brother.(JIM) Well,I was barely freindly,and responded with all the cordial manners I could muster, and was soo set to make sure he knew I was in no way interested in dating that I didn't even pay attention to whether he was attrative or not.


Jim came looking for me the next day. We had some conversation getting aquainted casualy, with the firm understanding that I did not want a boyfreind, and that Iwas weeding other male relationships out of my life. He came back the next day. We took walks and talked.I had a 1 yr .old son too, which he seemed to enjoy entertaining while we talked. Jim came back everyday, and trust grew.He didn't make a play for me. We became freinds and we enjoyed eachother enough that it seemed easy to weed out all the men that were causing problems in my life becauseI was spending so much time with Jim that I was never available to be bothered by anyone else.


That freindship turned into love, and we got married about a year after we met. That freindship could not have happened if it had mingled with the pressure of dating expectations. People just cant expect to have instant confidenc in eachother just because they have physical attraction. I don't know why peopole expect that.


Well, Jim slid out of remmission after we were married, and was taken home to be with Yahushua (Jesus Christ) 7 months after we were married. Lossing him was extra hard, because I lost my Older brother and best freind just within a yearprior to that, and we were expecting a baby we were told we would not be able to conceive due to cemotherapy.


Jim died during the fall, and when summer came back around, my favorite time of year,I just wanted the clouds and the rain to return for they matched what I felt inside and the sunshine felt out of place. It took some time to accept the sunshine, and i'm sure it had its subbtle way of helping me to stop mourning and pay attention to my two little ones. Jim named our daughter, because I knew she was a girl before he died.


What I learned from falling in love with Jim, will stay with me forever.Trust grows from freindship that has no expectations, demands, or pressures. Just learning eachother, accepting what you discover, and just finding out whats in eachother, and finding out what you bring out in eachother.The results seem to define what kind of relationship you end up with. Whether love, or freindship.


You have not been widowed very long Mclovin39. I know you are lonely. Not having your closest freind there with you during one of the hardest times in your life, is what makes it one of the hardest times in your life. Take time to smell the air, let the sunshine beat on your face, let the Holy Spirit, the promised one, which Yahushua (jesus Christ) spoke of, fill you with his renewing strength.Your loss will shape you some more, it will bring changes to who you are, let Yahushua ( Jesus Christ) bring the changes that he sees fit, and let yourself have time to realise who you will be now. I was married ( a second time) for 15 years. that isa whole lifetime to share with a person. It's a hard thing to get used to when they're gone. Some people want to avoid the greif part, but it doesn't work. We actualy make it harder on ourselves when we do that. So please don't do that. Let the greif have it's perfect work in you, and Yahushua (GOD) will compfort you in the proccess.


He also knows how to bring you that freind that will become the one you can have love with, when the time is right. For you, and for her.


I will watch to see if you want to talk more.You can tell me how your day went, or how your night went for that matter. I will also pray that you find Yahuas(GOD) compfort in the days and nights.


PSALM 136 This will help you, ifyou read it outloud, repeatedly.


Lisa
 
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