barbra is offline barbra Post #1  September 2,2008, 1:54pm
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There are an incredibly large number of topics and posts that deal with being shallow. The responses I read are very carefully worded to avoid the appearance of this concept of "shallow".


Why is it considered shallow to want to be with someone who is attractive, or well-off financially? Is there anyone who can honestly say that looks don't matter in the least? That income is of absolutely no importance?


It may be very important to some people and less important to others, but it you aren't going to find too many people who will decline to answer the question entirely. Nor are you likely to find anyone who thinks that looks or financial ability is the sole deciding factor.


In an ideal world those things are not the most important, they are happy benefits. Plenty of people do not want to be poor, and that is a reasonable position to take. Plenty of people do not feel attracted to people who are bald, or overweight, or missing an arm, and that does not make them shallow. It just means that they weren't attracted to you.


To sum up one's priorities in a single word, "shallow", is kidding yourself and doing a disservice to the other person. Everyone would like a rich and attractive mate if it were possible to have one, we may not get it, but it isn't wrong to want it.
 
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karmagirl is offline karmagirl Post #2  September 2,2008, 2:40pm
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Nope, not everyone. Of course, I don't want to be poor, but I have never thought about one's financial status as a reason to date or not to date someone. I have a comfortable living and do not desire any more money to make my life any happier or full than it is.


If it is what someone else desires though, then who am I to tell them that they shouldn't. I think the problem comes when that is ALL that a person desires. I have a big crush on someone right now that in my past I never would have even looked twice at. He's a bit younger than me, and just a few inches taller than me. He's a little on the heavy side, but he has a heart of gold. He's a blue-collar worker and will probably never be rich, but I can see so many good qualities about him that none of that matters one bit. To be perfectly honest though, if he had come across my Eharmony as a match, I probably would have closed him out. Is that shallow of me? Yep, I think it really is. Trust me, it has made me reconsider what I think is a good match for me. Good thing I know him in real life, huh?
 
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NuttyProfessor is offline NuttyProfessor Post #3  September 2,2008, 8:13pm
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I tend to agree, Barbara and Karmagirl. I (bring on the flames) think that preferences are labled shallow by people who don't meet those criteria, because they know in thier heards they are beautiful, worthwhile people. the fact that the preferences we carry around screens them out of someone's prospects is hurtful, so they have to interpret that hurt as a negative personality characteristic, rather than recognizing life isn't fair, or nice, or thougtful. What is and what should be are vastly different things, and it hurts. We have to rationalize our hurts to make sense of them. Labeling it in that way makes it easier to digest.
 
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NuttyProfessor is offline NuttyProfessor Post #4  September 2,2008, 8:15pm
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Hearts. they know in their hearts. Just like I know in my heart I should use spell check before hitting "submit comment."
 
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05 is offline 05 Post #5  September 3,2008, 11:02pm
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the reason i thought you were shallow is because you gave me the impression that there was a different measuring stick for males and females. please forgive the typo's i don't have my glasses on


our attaction is defined by our biology - attractiveness is a sign of good dna and that is what it is all about - securing our immortality with our dna


i'd like to think that as a species we have evolved beyond that - adoption - gay marriages to name a few
 
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IndianGuy is offline IndianGuy Post #6  September 4,2008, 7:43am
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From the culture where I come, your perception of what's shallow is actually the opposite. Where arranged marriages are the norm, good looks and the financial status of the family are an integral part of finding and settling down with another person. And frankly speaking, i'm quite for it. It's not being shallow, it's being hedonistic. Since when was it a crime to gurantee youself a better quality of life monetarily and sexually?
 
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lupita925 is offline lupita925 Post #7  September 4,2008, 8:38am
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I get where IndianGuy is coming from. I'm a divorced single mom. At this point in my life, I can't let myself fall for someone else who "needs" me, needs to be taken care of. They need to make enough money to be idependent. That's not shallow, that's reality.


Physically, I am far from my peak, so I'm workin on it. Not just for looks, but because of my health, and let's face it, biologically speaking, good looks are often indicativeof good health. As far as shallow, no one has said blonde hair versus brown, green eyes versus brown, or tall versus short. It's about that initial zing, which comes from your personal preferences being met at first glimpse.People who fear they don't have what it takes to giveothers the "zing",try to define that as being shallow, choosing based on looks.In truth,it's looks combined with a certain carriage, that air of confidence, of someone who truly likes themself ans is sure of their place in the world or their choice not to care what the world thinks. Often, that type of person is also attractive, but that's not exclusive. There are those out there with physically perfect features and bodies, whose life or circumstances have taken away their confidence and no one will look their way. And I've seen a 300 pound girl oozing confidence and sexuality walk into a room and blow people away.
 
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Vicbikesalot is offline Vicbikesalot Post #8  September 4,2008, 6:13pm
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I can only speak from personal experience, but I do not judge a book by its cover. I did meet a man through eH, we dated for a time, ultimately didn't work out, but that's not my point. He was fat. He didn't think he was fat; he was "just big." Trust me, he was fat. Anyhow, one day he announced that he really hates fat women! And his reasons were really strange. Anyhow, all I could feel after the initial shock of what he'd said was that I was SOOOO disappointed that he was so shallow. Maybe I thought superficial. At any rate, that commenteroded a lot of respect toward him. I amshort,slender, very physically active, and all I could think was...so you expect to have someone with my appearance, when you need to take a good look in the mirror yourself. The whole thing just made me sad. I know physical appearance is very important to men, it's an evolutionary thing, but I just had a hard time accepting that kind ofattitude.
 
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05 is offline 05 Post #9  September 4,2008, 7:56pm
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i hear you - but i do object to the double standard male vs. female - the same measuring stick has to be used for both, otherwise your opinion is just SHALLOW
 
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theniceguy is offline theniceguy Post #10  September 4,2008, 11:33pm
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barbra, wrote :

There are an incredibly large number of topics and posts that deal with being shallow. The responses I read are very carefully worded to avoid the appearance of this concept of "shallow".


Why is it considered shallow to want to be with someone who is attractive, or well-off financially? Is there anyone who can honestly say that looks don't matter in the least? That income is of absolutely no importance?


It may be very important to some people and less important to others, but it you aren't going to find too many people who will decline to answer the question entirely. Nor are you likely to find anyone who thinks that looks or financial ability is the sole deciding factor.


In an ideal world those things are not the most important, they are happy benefits. Plenty of people do not want to be poor, and that is a reasonable position to take. Plenty of people do not feel attracted to people who are bald, or overweight, or missing an arm, and that does not make them shallow. It just means that they weren't attracted to you.


To sum up one's priorities in a single word, "shallow", is kidding yourself and doing a disservice to the other person. Everyone would like a rich and attractive mate if it were possible to have one, we may not get it, but it isn't wrong to want it.

I hate to say it, but it sounds like you are defending "being shallow". Of course, most folks may not be initially attracted to someone who looks like the Elephant Man and who is "dirt poor" and lives with his mother. But that being said, I think what most people are offended by is the large number of people who put "looks" and "money" above other criterion such as personality, intelligence, etc.


Certainly, there are quite a few "Gold Diggers" out there looking to land Mr. Sexy with a thick wallet. Most of these women are really trying to make themselves feel better about themselves by obtaining a "Trophy Man" in the same way many men seek out a young, nubile, blonde, buxom "Trohpy Wife", even though she may be a bit dim. Not to say the pretty, wealthy people are all dim or shallow. Just that the people who are trying to better themselves by focusing on the superficial qualities of their potential mate, are the ones who are in fact, shallow.
 
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