Any worries, concerns or fears about having a "relationship"?


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ming_on_mongo is offline ming_on_mongo Post #1  October 26,2009, 9:04am
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Even though alot of folks are looking for a compatible partner and a serious relationship, sometimes there may also be a few reservations about the whole "idea" to begin with (chemistry and compatibility issues aside).

For some it might be associated with giving up their "freedom", or maybe they have concerns that they won't have enough "space" for ourselves. To others it could be worries they'll have to make too many "changes" and "adjustments", maybe reveal uncomfortable things about themselves, or else there may even be fears about old "baggage". Do you relate to any of these, or can you imagine any of your own?
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  October 26,2009, 1:42pm
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Absolutely! I like my life the way it is, and it would have to change, to slot someone in. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to make changes. Sometimes I feel like it would be worth it. But that's not my main issue, which is ---

I have been single for a looooooong time. It was not a conscious choice, I just did it. After awhile I realized I was doing it, and wondered why, and just went with it.

More recently I became aware of wanting to find a partner. Again I realized this, and wondered why, and have been going with it.

I think I might have figured it out: while I made various mistakes with various men, for the most part they were specific to that man. But there's one mistake I made over and over, with every man at least to some degree: that I lost myself in the relationship. I seemed to feel that I could either have Me, or I could have Him, but I could not have both. Out of a desire to have Him, I let Me go. Obviously this doesn't work -- either for me or for him.

I have known this about myself (the belief that I can't have both Me and the Other) for even looooooonger than I've been single. I think after my last relationship, my subconscious decided This Must Stop. And took me out of the pool.

Now my subconscious has decided that I have become capable of having both Me and Him and so it's time to dive back in.

Yay!

I feel some trepidation about it. Undoubtedly I will make some mistakes along these lines. When something feels like I'm giving up Myself, I expect I will be confused as to whether I really am, or just fearing it, or what.

That said, if and when I finally find someone ... I bet this won't be much of a problem and instead I will get outflanked by some totally unforeseen little demons! Hah!

But that's where fun stuff and innovation and growth can occur! So while it may be a little scary, it's scary in a good way. I hope. Even writing this is a little scary.
 
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ming_on_mongo is offline ming_on_mongo Post #3  October 26,2009, 3:22pm
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Understood, and well said. I agree, that's a part of relationships that seems to be seldom even mentioned because it's just too scary for some.... the possibility of "surrendering" or "losing" so much of who they are. But sounds like you know yourself pretty well now, so maybe it's time!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  October 26,2009, 3:30pm
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I think my only real fear regarding getting into a relationship is that I could get into one with the wrong person. About the worst thing I could imagine would be arriving at my wedding day and having a sickening feeling that the relationship just wasn't right. I need to have the feeling that I'm 100% sure that the relationship is right...and try to make sure I listen to my gut feeling early.
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #5  October 26,2009, 5:51pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
I lost myself in the relationship. I seemed to feel that I could either have Me, or I could have Him, but I could not have both. Out of a desire to have Him, I let Me go.
I agree. I usually want the other person to be happy so much that I lose sight of the fact that I'M important, too. So we go where he wants and eat what he's hungry for and listen to what he likes and watch his shows. It's not his fault; I'm the one saying "What do you want?", but I kind of get lost in the shuffle and somewhere in becoming We, I lose a lot of Me. My identity becomes completely wrapped up in making him happy. Eventually I figure it out, but I really don't want to keep repeating that.

jayjay wrote :
I think my only real fear regarding getting into a relationship is that I could get into one with the wrong person. About the worst thing I could imagine would be arriving at my wedding day and having a sickening feeling that the relationship just wasn't right. I need to have the feeling that I'm 100% sure that the relationship is right...and try to make sure I listen to my gut feeling early.
I've done that. I actually talked to my mom a few days before my wedding and told her I didn't want to go through with it. I wouldn't explain why because I was completely humiliated (he was getting drunk and punching holes in the wall next to my head). Since I wouldn't tell her anything in particular that was wrong, she told me it was cold feet and everything would be fine. I was hoping she would tell me to call the wedding off and not worry, but she didn't, we went through with it and were married for 13 miserable years.

Though I'm not anything like the wimp I was then, I'm still scared because I have a habit of attracting men with some pretty bad flaws and scaring off the normal ones. And that's pretty frightening.
 
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ming_on_mongo is offline ming_on_mongo Post #6  October 26,2009, 6:38pm
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chawks64 wrote :
I agree. I usually want the other person to be happy so much that I lose sight of the fact that I'M important, too. ....
Though I'm not anything like the wimp I was then, I'm still scared because I have a habit of attracting men with some pretty bad flaws and scaring off the normal ones. And that's pretty frightening.
OK, but now you're obviously more aware of all that too. Though if I might ask, how do you feel the part about 'speaking up for yourself' is coming along (since even a "Prince Charming" isn't going to be perfect)?
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #7  October 26,2009, 7:27pm
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ming_on_mongo wrote :
OK, but now you're obviously more aware of all that too. Though if I might ask, how do you feel the part about 'speaking up for yourself' is coming along (since even a "Prince Charming" isn't going to be perfect)?
I'm not looking for perfection. Honestly, that would be incredibly intimidating. The problem is that I attract guys with BIG flaws - addicts, alcoholics, cheaters, racists... the serious stuff.

When I was younger I used to get upset and try to convince the guy to fix himself. Now older and wiser, I just keep the emotions out of it and say "Hey, you're not going to change, and I don't want to try and make you, so why don't we just move on." So speaking up hasn't made the type of men attracted to me be any different, but at least I'm not staying in dysfunctional relationships with them anymore. And that opens up the opportunity for me to be ready when the good ones come along.
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #8  October 26,2009, 8:08pm
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Sassafras54 wrote :
But there's one mistake I made over and over, with every man at least to some degree: that I lost myself in the relationship. I seemed to feel that I could either have Me, or I could have Him, but I could not have both.
Is this the same as saying you compromised your values, time, interests to try and make it work but that investment didn't have the payoff fast enough so it felt more like work instead of fun?

And I don't know why that was a mistake...did you choose it?
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #9  October 26,2009, 8:09pm
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chawks64 wrote :
The problem is that I attract guys with BIG flaws - addicts, alcoholics, cheaters, racists... the serious stuff.
( Is this what you really mean?...you attract them?... or is it something else like you're too nice and you give the wrong people too many chances to change?)
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #10  October 26,2009, 8:25pm
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WeDesignOurLives wrote :
( Is this what you really mean?...you attract them?... or is it something else like you're too nice and you give the wrong people too many chances to change?)
Being that my personality is a little "over the top", it tends to scare off the more down-to-earth types and attracts the messed up ones. That I can't do much about, without changing who I am at heart, and that's not going to happen. I'd rather stay who I am, which is someone I like, and keep looking, even if it means being alone but true to myself.

In the past, I have given people too many chances, but I stopped doing that a couple of years ago.
 
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