Dancing65 is offline Dancing65 Post #201  April 19,2010, 8:18pm
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Sounds like she is going to go back no matter what - co-dependence. Too bad.
 
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Dancing65 is offline Dancing65 Post #202  April 19,2010, 8:20pm
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Sounds like Shellyg is going to go back to the guy - too bad. Let it go, move on, don't miss the real deal when it comes along.
 
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Dancing65 is offline Dancing65 Post #203  April 19,2010, 8:27pm
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If he continues to behave this way, making himself look like the victim, then he needs to remove himself from my life.

He showed no empathy for how I was feeling and when I held him accountable he cut me off. Because I didn't give him what he wanted he has no use for me right now but keeping me hanging so if he needs NS in the future I am still there. Really messed up but given the history of our relationship it sure seems that way to me.
You mean it's not bad enough yet, you need further "proof"!?

Sounds like it's not bad enough - she needs to gremove him out of her life for good. Too bad - good way to miss the real deal and hurt people.
 
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nightling is offline nightling Post #204  April 25,2010, 10:48am
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Here is the thing about a narcissist. They are masters of presenting an image. The smart ones are thus very difficult to see through. They have a good sense of what others will buy and what they won't. They are GREAT con artists. No remorse to speak of.

Most narcissists seek a classy person to date, someone who looks good and makes them look good, who in some way raises their status. They are generally very good at feeling out the target's personal boundaries to figure out what presentation will work to keep you with them. If they mess up, they will concoct an apology that works for you and seem very sincere about it. You feel unreasonable not accepting their apology, and likely your friends will even reinforce the idea that the apologizer should be given a second chance.

I think once you've gotten some experience with a narcissist under your belt you have a better than average shot at spotting them. But until you do have that experience, they can be very insidious.

There is this scene in Buffy the Vampire Slayer which I think to me sort of illustrates something I think important to healing after experiencing a narcissistic relationship, or for dealing with the relationship if you choose to stay for whatever your reasons might be.

In it, Angel a good vampire with a soul, has a moment of perfect bliss and because of a gypsy curse on him it causes him to lose the soul that made him a kind and considerate non-bloodsucking vampire. Suddenly he becomes souless, really cruel, completely lacking in empathy or remorse.

He at this point starts pushing all Buffy's buttons, telling her things designed to hurt her the most. She cries and wonders what she did "wrong." Well she did absolutely nothing wrong. Angel lost his soul. Angel is just teetotally messed up now.

So the point I'm getting around to is ... why do we blame ourselves for what a narcissist does? Why do we let him make us responsible for his behavior? Why do we let what an essentially soulless creature says hurt us?

Because in a normal relationship, it's a two-way street and we musta done something to have elicited the reaction. This assumption works most of the time bc most people are reasonable. But a narcissist is emotionally stunted so it's all one-way. Like a vampire with no soul, he knows exactly how you feel and does not care beyond getting what he wants.

Sign in blood on the dotted line with a narcissist and once he feels safe, you become the mirror that needs cleaning whenever there's a spot on their face — and it doesn't really matter what you do differently to accommodate or get along. In fact, whatever you do in that regard will only make it worse long-term, because you will keep giving ground and s/he will continue to lose respect for you.

If you ever find yourself the target in a narcissistic relationship of any sort with boss, friend lover whatever, I think it helps to understand the person is about 7 or 8 years old on the emotional timeline. Puts it in the proper perspective, for me at least, and minimizes any distress I might feel about their behavior.
Last edited by nightling; April 25,2010 at 6:26pm.
 
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Can_I_just_be_Jo is offline Can_I_just_be_Jo Post #205  April 29,2010, 5:19am

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I don't think Nightling trying to help people understand Narcissists is akin to defending the behavior. It seems to me that when you understand something you can spot it better potentially saving someone from that heck.

The other thing is they are humans and really should be pittied. I can't even imagine what a life without any true happiness could be like. I get that they think they are happy but I have known enough to know they are not happy.

Don't get me wrong I interact with my ex as little as possible still I wish he would find peace. As it is I would happily settle for him finding a distraction.
 
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vividpalette is offline vividpalette Post #206  August 17,2010, 4:45pm
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Narcissists attract Borderlines and Vice-Versa. Borderlines need constant approval and reassurrances that love will not end.Narcicissts know just where to hang the carrot to keep the Borderline trying to please them, so that the Borderline can get a fix of love, but Ns never actually give of themselves.They are like emotional vampires.
 
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meep591 is offline meep591 Post #207  August 23,2010, 3:10am
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This is a great topic. My kids and I are going through hell with a narcissist. Its a neighbor, another single mom we tried to help. She moved into our apartment complex about a year ago and had a partial custody situation with her son. He was with her a few hours a day after school till his Dad got off work. Her son liked to spend his all his time in our apartment till his Dad came for him. Within a few weeks of moving in she'd quit her job claiming a back injury, filed for disability checks and welfare, and started whining about her long standing mental illness and how she couldn't cope. Her son never went to her apartment anymore at all anymore and came right to our place after school. I was annoyed by this because I work 40 hours a week and have primary custody of my two kids. I became really annoyed when she started telling her son to handle his disagreements with my kids by punching and shoving. Here's when things really got crazy. I didn't want him in my home anymore and started trying to wean him off us -making him go home immediately after school rather than following my kids home, insisting that they play only outdoors together, and bringing my kids in if he got violent. Once, when I told him he couldn't come inside and he went home crying about it, his mother and grandmother came to my door shouting a bunch of craziness. I was shoved and a bottle was thrown at me by this woman. She screamed some of the foulest language I ever heard and wouldn't get off my porch. I had to call the police. She started following me and my kids around wherever we went, with her son in tow, forcing her son to approach my kids and try to play with them. She started showing up at the kids bus stop (she couldn't be bothered before) and snapping pictures of us with her cell phone. I began to get a clear picture of what she was all about. She was collecting child support, alimony, welfare and disbility checks. If she wasn't actually caring for her child she couldn't collect a big chunk of this money, and she didn't want to care for her child. She wanted me to do it while she collected a free ride. Anyway, I stayed firm in keeping them out of our lives and eventually she sent her son to live with his father full time ( she wasn't about to be bothered with the needs of a child). We went through months of absolute hell for getting involved with a narcissist. I've had the police out here 4 times and been to court twice to eventually get her to leave us alone. It took months. She made threats to neighbors that she was going to kill my daughter. I found out later she had another son from a different marriage who she'd also gotten rid of under similar circumstances. There are far too many parents out there like this. Disability pay for back pain? Come on. Everyone's back hurts.
 
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chapgirl is offline chapgirl Post #208  September 24,2010, 7:57pm
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I was married to a narcissist for almost 7 years.So I can affirm some of the qualities listed as above as real. The never my fault is huge, verbal abuse, the overcompensation of a personality that stems from a lack of a strong sense of self. Out of the personality personalities, Chronic Narcissistic personality is the most tragic, as they have such a sense of emptiness, that they try so hard to gain it from those around them.

My ex also happened to be an ex alcoholic. I don't say he was a recovering alcolholic, because he was actually a dry drunk, which is someone who doesn't drink but hasn't dealt with the 12 steps and the more psychological/emotional aspects of an addictive personality. He was in huge need of controlling people in his life. He has an extreme sense of arrogance, he was verbally abusive, and had no idea how to be in a relationship with someone and give to them from himself.

The counselor I saw at the time of our break up said that there is no cure for Narcissism, and that it actually gets worse over time. So, after many years of prayer and hoping for things to improve, I left, for my own mental health as well as our son. It was the best decision for all concerned, and I have never regretted leaving.

The profile, most likely would sound too good to be true, but more importantly, as the dialogue begins, the responses would reflect the focus on him/herself and not be able to show empathy, or seeking the best for another. It would be all about what the match could do for him/her. I sure hope I would be able to recognize it again, I think I would. But one of the traits of a narcissist is to present a wonderful sense of themselves until they know they have you, and then the that cannot be maintained, and the self absorption rears it's ugly head. It is important to dialogue for awhile before committing, so that you truly see patterns and listen to your heart.
Last edited by chapgirl; September 24,2010 at 8:06pm.
 
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