gemend is offline gemend Post #111  November 19,2009, 6:22pm
gemend's Avatar

It's cold in Seattle.

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Auburn, WA

Posts: 23

See profile

Funny this is here. I just broke it off (2 days ago) with one of them. Not knowing the behaviors, I just attributed to self confidence, but there were flags which I ignored. Duh! Anyhow, this just made me feel great, I was beginning to believe I had been the problem (like he so pointed out yesterday). All the behaviors started showing up exponentially when I emailed him I wanted to stop seeing him, loud, judgemental, putting me down and telling me I have a low IQ, and when I questioned his character, Kaboom! Thanks, I mean it, it really makes me feel better that a. I was right by breaking it off, b.there is a name for it. c. it wasn't all my fault afterall.
 
  Reply With Quote
ming_on_mongo is offline ming_on_mongo Post #112  November 19,2009, 8:30pm
ming_on_mongo's Avatar

-Seattle transplant to NorCal... hmmm, sun good!

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

NorCal

Posts: 1,215

See profile

Congrats... (athough if he is a Narcissist, it might still be a bit too early to "relax" just yet)! I'd wager he'll also try some other, "more persuasive" attempts at getting back together, and rest assured they'll be more subtle and aimed right at wherever you're most vulnerable, especially since they have such an exceptional "gift" for detecting that.

So it might be helpful to review what attracted you to him in the first place, because a clue to figuring out your particular "vulnerability", is recognizing what he said or did that was "just what you wanted to hear"....
 
  Reply With Quote
AlexandraCassandra is offline AlexandraCassandra Post #113  November 19,2009, 10:28pm
AlexandraCass…'s Avatar

"For me to live is Christ, to die is great gain"

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2008

I'll tell you if you need to know :)

Posts: 194

See profile

Is there hope for a Narcissist? Should you just brake off the relationship?
 
  Reply With Quote
ming_on_mongo is offline ming_on_mongo Post #114  November 20,2009, 3:21am
ming_on_mongo's Avatar

-Seattle transplant to NorCal... hmmm, sun good!

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

NorCal

Posts: 1,215

See profile

AlexandraCassandra wrote :
Is there hope for a Narcissist? Should you just brake off the relationship?
Probably depends on what you're "hoping" for....
 
  Reply With Quote
gemend is offline gemend Post #115  November 21,2009, 12:06pm
gemend's Avatar

It's cold in Seattle.

Newbie

Joined: Oct 2009

Auburn, WA

Posts: 23

See profile

I do believe you are right, he might regroup and come back sweet as honey and tell me what I want to hear....I will keep you guys updated, but I could not go back because after what he has thrown at me in email, I have lost respect and trust. Thank you..great advice.
 
  Reply With Quote
meri75 is offline meri75 Post #116  November 21,2009, 3:15pm
meri75's Avatar

really wants a double dissolution in 2011!

Power Poster

Joined: Mar 2009

Australia

Posts: 5,112

See profile

Would it be fairly typical for someone you believe to have Narcissism to tell lies or skew an account of reality; without considering that other people may well have proof to refute this false view?
 
  Reply With Quote
Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #117  November 22,2009, 9:25am
Sassafras54's Avatar

Your Community Coordinator

Moderator

Joined: Oct 2009

San Pedro, CA

Posts: 9,085

See profile

Here are the diagnostic criteria for NPD:

Narcissistic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Telling lies is not diagnostic of NPD. But a liar might have NPD.

Deceitfulness is a diagnostic criterion of Antisocial Personality Disorder:

Antisocial personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

If you're trying to figure out a particular person, you might want to read through the list of personality disorders:

Personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #118  November 22,2009, 9:59am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

meri75 wrote :
Would it be fairly typical for someone you believe to have Narcissism to tell lies or skew an account of reality; without considering that other people may well have proof to refute this false view?
Perhaps ...

I am reminded of this author who for years had been conducting an affair with a woman outside his marriage, but his family members all knew about it for years. Eventually the tabloids got hold of it and were going to publish an account, so he was forced to fess up. The family were all baffled by his anger when he discovered they already knew and were just being understanding about it. In his view, if they had truly loved him, they would not have seen through his deception.

I forget the name of the author.

Here's a study on the rise in levels of narcissism in our society that I found over at Psychology today. Might be of some use in spotting the man or woman behind the charming mask before you're emotionally invested.

Am I Normal? | Psychology Today
Last edited by nightling; November 22,2009 at 10:20am.
 
  Reply With Quote
nightling is offline nightling Post #119  November 22,2009, 10:09am
nightling's Avatar

all I'll leave are smoke rings in the dark.

Power Poster

Joined: Sep 2009

Misery

Posts: 6,943

See profile

AlexandraCassandra wrote :
Is there hope for a Narcissist? Should you just brake off the relationship?
I think it is possible to love a narcissist, but you have to recognize they have a disorder that is going to consistently and constantly undermine the intimacy of your relationship with them. They have a heightened need to control you and require constant special handling, ie flattery, admiration and as little criticism as possible. You have to be able to set good boundaries with them, otherwise they will constantly be taking advantage of you for their own selfish ends.

Most people will say why bother .... but sometimes we do love people or even creatures who have become damaged in some way that makes them dangerous to themselves or others. Maybe sometimes that is the right thing to do for a fellow suffering creature, if you reasonably can? I suppose we'd all like to think someone could still love us in spite of whatever flaws we might have. Only you can say if this person is worth the aggravation you're going to experience with them. I think you'll need to have a special will and lots of backbone to remain healthy with a narcissistic partner as well as a very clear understanding of the disorder.

There is some information on dealing with narcissists in this link. http://www.psychologytoday.com/artic...ide-narcissism
Last edited by nightling; November 22,2009 at 10:21am.
 
  Reply With Quote
ming_on_mongo is offline ming_on_mongo Post #120  November 23,2009, 7:08pm
ming_on_mongo's Avatar

-Seattle transplant to NorCal... hmmm, sun good!

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

NorCal

Posts: 1,215

See profile

nightling wrote :
I think it is possible to love a narcissist, but you have to recognize they have a disorder that is going to consistently and constantly undermine the intimacy of your relationship with them. They have a heightened need to control you and require constant special handling, ie flattery, admiration and as little criticism as possible. You have to be able to set good boundaries with them, otherwise they will constantly be taking advantage of you for their own selfish ends.

Most people will say why bother .... but sometimes we do love people or even creatures who have become damaged in some way that makes them dangerous to themselves or others. Maybe sometimes that is the right thing to do for a fellow suffering creature, if you reasonably can? I suppose we'd all like to think someone could still love us in spite of whatever flaws we might have. Only you can say if this person is worth the aggravation you're going to experience with them. I think you'll need to have a special will and lots of backbone to remain healthy with a narcissistic partner as well as a very clear understanding of the disorder.

There is some information on dealing with narcissists in this link. A Field Guide To Narcissism | Psychology Today
That's really the point though, isn't it? That once they actually understand the characteristics that come with the disorder, who would knowingly choose to be in such a relationship.... totally lacking in empathy, trust, respect, or emotional intimacy (among other things)? Except for maybe another Narcissist (A Co-dependent or a Borderline) who doesn't value those things either...
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« Victim or Hero | Intelligent Conversation | Please share your expereince on EHarmony »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Yes, you are considered aged in your thirties! Next stop, early registration for AARP! I guess we can go drown our sorrows in a bottle of prune juice now!” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“Oh, I gotcha. I was thinking of people who meet at a party, activity, or mixer and then agree to a date. Thank you for clarifying.” –  Bluskies4ever3

Join the “It's a matter of fit” discussion

“How would I go about ending this friendship nicely?” –  generallyyou

Join the “Friend Zone” discussion

“Money isn't everything and at the end of the day, you'd have to sleep with the guy. For me, if the woman isn't kissable, she's not my type. Fact is, if you're with someone you truly love, it ... ” –  sun73

Join the “My first "Matchmaker" date” discussion

“The iPad app allows for mass archiving and mass closing. Otherwise you have to go through each individually, twice.” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Removing old matches - there has to be a better way” discussion

“Not dumping. You're going through a lot right now. I remember when my best friend from high school lost her dad. Very traumatic, so my condolences. Hopefully you have siblings and your mom to share ... ” –  emma_hazards

Join the “Photo Review” discussion

“...or he knows your general age and is just interested in a cougar. On the other hand, their are couples who have 20 yr age differences or more, and they are happy. For some age is just a number, and ... ” –  Altair

Join the “He is much younger” discussion

“Thanks! Hope you are doing well!” –  RiceBaby

Join the “dating venues” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:22pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0