Dralion is offline Dralion Post #1  August 22,2009, 6:22am
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Good evening/morning/, fellow intelligentsia,

I have a `thing` about eye contact.
I believe that you can only feel a connection when the other person you may be meeting for the first, or second time actually looks at you.
The men I have met, while having many good qualities, seem to lack the ability to conduct even the most exploratory conversation and maintain eye contact.
I really can`t feel ANYTHING, even interest, in someone who talks AT you while looking PAST you.

Is it me? AM I too fussy?
cheers
Dralion
 
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kevin76 is offline kevin76 Post #2  August 22,2009, 9:54am
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Dralion wrote :
Good evening/morning/, fellow intelligentsia,

I have a `thing` about eye contact.
I believe that you can only feel a connection when the other person you may be meeting for the first, or second time actually looks at you.
The men I have met, while having many good qualities, seem to lack the ability to conduct even the most exploratory conversation and maintain eye contact.
I really can`t feel ANYTHING, even interest, in someone who talks AT you while looking PAST you.

Is it me? AM I too fussy?
cheers
Dralion
Sounds like what you value is attention, but I think where you've gone wrong is when you judge the whole journey by one sign that you may be misreading.

A lot of men, including myself, have to get comfortable with you before looking into your eyes. Eye-gazing is a very personal thing, especially for a visually-oriented male, and there's a fine line between 'maintaining eye contact' and 'uncomfortable staring.' How it is received depends so much on how the woman feels about me at the moment, and I'm not good at reading the subtle hints, so I've been burned more than once by a woman accusing me of staring when I thought I was just looking at her attentively to show my interest.

That being said, if a man holds a conversation with you while continually and persistently looking everywhere else except your eyes I wouldn't think it unreasonable to assume he probably has some issues. (Especially if he tends to rest his gaze a foot or two below your eyes.) Most likely issues with himself and his own self-confidence, not issues with you.

If looking in your eyes while talking makes you feel loved, then I hope you find a good man who will look into your eyes while he talks to you. But I would suggest giving guys more than one conversation to warm up to that point.
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #3  August 22,2009, 5:34pm
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Dralion wrote :
Good evening/morning/, fellow intelligentsia,

I have a `thing` about eye contact.
I believe that you can only feel a connection when the other person you may be meeting for the first, or second time actually looks at you.
The men I have met, while having many good qualities, seem to lack the ability to conduct even the most exploratory conversation and maintain eye contact.
I really can`t feel ANYTHING, even interest, in someone who talks AT you while looking PAST you.

Is it me? AM I too fussy?
cheers
Dralion
Me too. Good topic. You are so right on the money.

Would you believe Sartre wrote about this? When you catch someone's eye you're 'being confronted' with their existence. Why do people sometimes look away? .. because at the moment they don't have the presence of mind to fully 'be' with that confrontation (which really just basically means looking back and looking ok looking back without coming off as scared).

All about personal space....the measurement of threat. .. public, social, personal, intimate....increase threat levels. You see one person far away, they wave at you, it's just not the same threat as you turning around and someone is there three feet away.

Personal space - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So I really do think it says alot that the guy (or girl) doesn't easily make the eye contact...they feel threatened...you've got to find out why...I think it's because they're afraid of 'being discovered'... the situation is reminding them of unpleasant stuff from the past or some other worry of things not going great (because then they won't make the flawless impression they fantasize about having... and that's just not with you or with men/women but every conversation...everyone wants to 'look-good' all the time.).
 
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1Horselady is offline 1Horselady Post #4  August 22,2009, 10:27pm
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WeDesignOurLives wrote :
Me too. Good topic. You are so right on the money.

Would you believe Sartre wrote about this? When you catch someone's eye you're 'being confronted' with their existence. Why do people sometimes look away? .. because at the moment they don't have the presence of mind to fully 'be' with that confrontation (which really just basically means looking back and looking ok looking back without coming off as scared).

All about personal space....the measurement of threat. .. public, social, personal, intimate....increase threat levels. You see one person far away, they wave at you, it's just not the same threat as you turning around and someone is there three feet away.

Personal space - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

So I really do think it says alot that the guy (or girl) doesn't easily make the eye contact...they feel threatened...you've got to find out why...I think it's because they're afraid of 'being discovered'... the situation is reminding them of unpleasant stuff from the past or some other worry of things not going great (because then they won't make the flawless impression they fantasize about having... and that's just not with you or with men/women but every conversation...everyone wants to 'look-good' all the time.).
Great post WDOL. I agree with you. One thing though, no one has mentioned. You're forgetting about a person's shyness. Before I was 20 yrs. old, I couldn't look a guy in the eye, if you paid me to.....and I was a terrible blusher. It takes alot for some people just to get up enough nerve to meet someone, let alone gaze into their eyes........ Suzie
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #5  August 24,2009, 5:40am
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There is a big difference between men and women and comfort with eye contact.

Even baby boys and little boys will avoid eye contact whereas little girls will not. There is this good book I read called "The Female Brain" which goes into the underlying reasons for this... it is a difference in how we are wired. This is why it tends to make men more comfortable if you are sitting either right next to them or sitting in a way that they aren't required to look straight at you.

For many men it is just too intense to be staring at them straight in the eyes. I think of it the same way I do animals... try looking an animal straight in they eyes and they will usually politely look away.

I know that for cats, people always wonder why the cat jumps on the lap of one person in the room who doesn't like cats. It is because that person
deliberately does not look at the cat so the cat feels more comfortable with them! If they looked the cat straight in the eyes that is confrontational and the cat would be more likely to not choose their lap.
 
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Rainfallgirl is offline Rainfallgirl Post #6  August 24,2009, 5:45am
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That being said, these guys you are meeting do sound a little weird. They are looking away the WHOLE time you are conversing with them? That is odd. Men that are interested should be making some eye contact, in my opinion.
If a man were talking to the wall behind me rather than me I wouldn't like that either!
 
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Lelly is offline Lelly Post #7  August 24,2009, 9:18am
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On a management training course for women I was taught that one way to hanlde men being uncomfortable with eye contact is to look at his ear or over his shoulder rather than into his eyes. He then relaxes and feels less threatened and the discussion goes more smoothly. I guess this technique would work equally well with dating and might give the guys time to relax and feel comfortable enough to make eye contact.

I use this technique professionally but have never honesty thought about whether I apply it socially as well :-)
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #8  August 24,2009, 6:02pm
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1Horselady wrote :
Great post WDOL. I agree with you. One thing though, no one has mentioned. You're forgetting about a person's shyness. Before I was 20 yrs. old, I couldn't look a guy in the eye, if you paid me to.....and I was a terrible blusher. It takes alot for some people just to get up enough nerve to meet someone, let alone gaze into their eyes........ Suzie
Forgetting it?... existential angst is all about shame and I know that feeling deeply. (I don't think shame is different than shyness. If you disagree then what feeling is it? Fear? Shame is all about fear...one is ashamed of themselves because they won't be accepted in some way.)

I do think that to exist is to feel vulnerable (which results in shame if unconfronted).
 
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WeDesignOurLives is offline WeDesignOurLives Post #9  August 24,2009, 6:07pm
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Rainfallgirl wrote :
I know that for cats, people always wonder why the cat jumps on the lap of one person in the room who doesn't like cats. It is because that person deliberately does not look at the cat so the cat feels more comfortable with them! If they looked the cat straight in the eyes that is confrontational and the cat would be more likely to not choose their lap.
Go to the park, there's two benches each with someone on it (lets say they're identical twins!...one person on each bench).

You want to sit on the bench. All things are equal except one person (lets say the person is the same sex) looks at you, and on the other bench the person is reading a book.

Which do you sit on? (I think the one where you're not watched because then you rationalize you have control.)
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #10  August 26,2009, 8:01pm
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I agree that eye contact is important. But it's something that in in some relationships must be built.
 
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